Hey Bill I am with you but I just wonder how many in this group still have active accounts that are on DS on a regular basis. I am sorry things are quiet in here and people are not posting but it is not a reflection of you or anyone. It is Summer and maybe people aren't on as much or maybe they are busy and not on as much. I really don't know what to say but I am here. I will continue to be here. I still think this group is good for people who want to post but do it in a more private small group setting. Maybe others will let you know what they think too.....

I am trying to be on more often but as some here, I have other life issues that do inhibit my posting. I also am very introverted due to some of my issues (narcolepsy being one of them) and I don't get out much. I do appreciate all that post anything here as i do read it but I am uncomfortable posting most days.

I am still trying to find my place in life and I hope it isn't the one where I am continuously sliding downhill, LOL.

Big salute to you Bill for keeping it going here.

Well I feel better now!
I do !
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I knew someone was out there
- I mean, we have like 39 freaking people enrolled in this group . . . you know . .
and I'm as screwed up as the rest of you and you can't imagine how painful it is to reach out and not hear back from hardly anyone of you.
It goes right to the heart of why I crashed and burned so absolutely and completely for 10 God damn years
- and I mean dead . . but breathing
My wife was there through it all, and I still don't know why, but I was so totally lost in the darkness
It was pitiful, I didn't want to be on the planet

Can any of you relate to that?
If no one was in my life, I wouldn't get hurt.

I swore nothing or no one would ever hurt me again.

And I don't know how I got here
-and I don't know why I'm not dead
but,
what the fuck, man.

I needed to find some damn one!
YOU KNOW ? . . . .
- One other person on the planet who could see my pain
and help me realize that I'm Not the only one..

God it hurts so much sometimes.

But you came out of your darkness and thats all I need
I'm alright now.
-well, I'm grateful beyond word
I will not give up

I promised you all when you joined that you would never be alone

I will honor that promise with a stronger conviction

because you do exist

I've been inactive a long time. I've had a really difficult few months. It's bad enough to be clinically depressed, but then I've had almost comically horrible things happen in the meantime. I have shut down. I don't know why I came here tonight, exactly. In the past few months, I have had two friends die, I have finished my master's degree, I have been assaulted, I have had my car repossessed, I have had my electricity cut off and lived without it for a week, I have had my car break down while I was sick and coughing up blood, I have been scammed TWICE, and I have left my job and I'm about to be homeless. I'm completely numb.

Oops, I went without electricity for a month. I can't even think straight.

My dear friend,
I hope you came here for kinship,
we, all of us are struggling in so many ways,
You know, to have a disorder as our's confounds and inhibits anything close
to our living a normal life.
We are engulfed in the ever present sadness
that weakens our heart and soul
and sometimes our will to even hope slips away

I know your sadness
How many times have I lost all hope
It is like a punishment without cause
or reason
An unwelcome torment
And then,
they are gone
and we breath harder
for this warmth is fleeting
and we must take it in with urgency

And we are saved
once again

and the sun truly shines on our face
And our tears glisten and dance

we are not forsaken my friend

You
and all of us
are chosen

and our names are there too
in the book of life


Believe
you are not alone

and know too
I will always be your friend

I'm new and I'm here too.

It's nice to have a group of similar people. It's just so hard that people don't understand that you can't just "snap out of it" or "change your way of thinking." Having other people that really understand the shit you go through is nice.

Did anyone else catch the fourth episode of the new season of Dexter? When his sister broke down in the parking lot, I was like, OMG, that's me, I have been there so many times. It was an amazing bit of acting and writing. And to see REAL pain on TV - it was something else.

Can I say something?
I thought about this very topic as I was considering joining a group of dysthymics for topical discussions.
Tell me if I am wrong, but in a nutshell we are people who are depressed but not enough to completely shut down. We are functional, right?

And to many of us, isn't that enough? Maybe we are thinking, yeah somebody else will reply, and so I won't have to. I've done that before!
I know that for me, apathy, anhedonia, whatever you want to call it (I call it Geraldo, sometimes I call it Loretta) is a big part of who I am. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to just "be".

Now, I am not trying to flame you guys. I have suffered with this and have learned a lot over the years. People with dysthymia can quite often have a hard time making connections and sharing emotional intimacy. and I look forward to offering some of my knowledge to you.

I am not looking to make enemies here. I am looking to see if I can make new friends. I have found another forum for dysthymia support but there has been no action in it since August.
Coincidence, I think not! HA!!

Okay, I hope i haven't offended anyone. I apologize if I have. I really just wanted to fan some flames here.

Stopping in to say hi. Not much to say hope you all have a good as possible holiday season. I have always dreaded holidays as I have anxiety around people but I know it is all in my head. Even though knowing that it doesn't make it any easier. I would much rather go away and never see any of them ever again but I also know they all love me and that would do nothing but hurt them espically my kids, so I don't do it.

Trudging along always,
Jag

jagten68,

You know what, I feel the same way.

Anxiety seems to be a paramount issue with you as well,
I'm almost always anxious , going to the store for milk is difficult
but as far as my family goes . . . I just hate them.
I'm only anxious when I don't hate them.

My wife, my son and his son are all I care about.

So . . . no holiday trips through the woods this year .

Hmph, funny.
I went to get a newspaper at the local convenience store.
Easy, right?
Yeah, it's easy. Barge in, focus on the goal. Grab a paper, pay the man, get out, cross the finish line in the safety of my car.

I think if someone watched me, though, they would notice something is off. They were out of papers, the man told me they were out, and I didn't stop from the mission to say thank you, or smile, or whatever. I looked at him and left. It would be obvious I did not appear relaxed.

I think it would be nice to feel that I am in control. As you see from the story, I AM in control, but I shore don't act like it!

Interesting that you said that your "wife was there through it all, and I still don't know why" because that is exactly how I feel about my husband. He loves me unconditionally and I don't understand it. I grew up believing otherwise. And yes...there has been times that I too "was so totally lost in the darkness" that "it
It was pitiful". I've often not wanted "to be on the planet" but knowing it would hurt my family kept me here.

I've pushed people away because I too believe that if no one is in my life, I won't get hurt.

It DOES hurt so VERY much sometimes. TOO MUCH to bear, it seems. But somehow I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Somehow, I keep waking up one more day. Facing one more day...

The holidays and winter make it worse. I hate the commercialization of Christmas! I wish things were simpler! Sometimes I want to enter a convent and get away from it all...

Or be a hermit living off the land in some isolated primeval forest.

Oh well..... I'm here.