I'm not alone ,my friend kjl1951 is a kindrid spirit - Just Friends
Monday, February 9, 2009
Your life experiences prompt me to want to tell my story. I've lived with an evil darkness that I've never shared with anyone but my wife. You are openly telling me about your life and it's filled with painful recollections that pierce my heart with profoundly mixed emotions. I'm 62 and I didn't know I had ads, dyethymic disorder, anxiety disorder and a personality disorder I'm afraid to know about. The 60 + years I've been on the planet have been filled with neverending sadness and confusion. I learned about my disorders in 1999, right after I crashed and burned so completely that I made myself invisible. I didn't want to exist. I'm also glad that I found DS. It has brought me back to life. I started the Dysthymia group in hopes of finding someone , anyone who new what I was going through . Because normal didn't get it or didn't care. But I discovered that I'm not alone anymore. 32 people have joined and we all full of a hidious sadness that has it's own name. It's a blessing that I'm not alone, it's sad that I'm not alone. I want to tell my story and the friends I've made are there if I want to talk about it, but . . . It's too painful to relive. It's overwhelming but I'm not strong enough . . I am so broken, and I don't know , it hurts so much I just don't know I'm lost, There will be a good day coming soon, life does have some shards of light shining on me occasionally. We can talk then . . . ------------------------------------- On 02/09/09, 02:48pm kjl1951 wrote: Hello Friends, This weekend I found myself thinking in shades of blue varying from the palest sky blue to the deepest of navy. Then back again. No real depression or sadness. Just thinking about things in my life andabout myself and hoe they have affected me for better worse. My childhood was not particularly happy. I use to blame my parents for a lot. But i now see they did what the thought was best. I realize now they were dealing with their own demons too. So It would be silly to blame my problems on them . It would be a waste of energy. They did what they thought was best I guess. As for my sisters they have to change in their own time. Having Neurofifromatosis which caused my deformities anf legal blindness has been very hard for me to deal with. But I figure there was a reason for it. It has taught me to look beneath the outer shell. It is what inside that counts. Some of the meanest , nastiest cruelest people are the best looking people you will ever know. My marriage is no perfect soap opera marriage. We have had lost of problems. legal, health , personal and financial woes. but we stuck it out and are still together going on 37 years. It has seemed to have created a deeper bond. I figured out that things happen for a reason. There is always a plan of some kind. we may not like it but I have to believe it is somehow for the best. Like carry for sick or in firmed relatives. It is difficult and hard but someone should be willing to take the burden and responsibility. After it is family and we should be willing to put our life on hold a bit. We don;t have to like them one bit but we do need to deal with them to the best of our ability a lot of times we make bad choices but we should learn from them. I am just sorry it has taken me 57 years to figure it out. 57 years of depression, pain and self imposed misery. so now with the correct meds, a little clear reasonings and the friends I have been blest with at Daily Strength I think I have been put on the right tract. About time I'd say. Lots of Joy, Love, Happiness, Blessings, Goodness, Financial Security and Friendship me