Domestic Violence Community Group
Support for those who suffer or have suffered domestic violence. Domestic violence is any violence within the home; sometimes called family violence. Family violence may include elder abuse, child abuse or sibling abuse.
hey all,
My name is June, I am not a survivor of domestic violence from a partner, but I did grow up with my sister's boyfriend who abused us both a lot. She left that relationship a few years ago, but she left it for another abuser. Right now it is only verbal and emotional, they have been together for 5 years and have 2 kids, but he has all the signs: he has isolated her in a small town 30 miles from the city where she is from where she has no friends and only allows her to interact with his family and friends, and only when he is present, he monitors her phone calls and listens in whenever I or my mom are in a room with her. He controls the money, got her kicked out of school and won't let her work. If she tries to go to the store alone he times it and calls her every 5 minutes and the few times I have taken her out, (with both kids because he will not take care of them that's "woman's work"), he checks in constantly then berates her for hours afterward.
He has a serious meth/painkiller/marijuana/alcohol problem, won't work and every night gets drunk and high and calls her every name in the book. In the last year it has escalated a lot to where she has to lock herself and her 2 toddlers in her bedroom while he pounds on the door because he is increasingly threatening to "slap the s**t out of her" and saying she is lucky he doesn't beat her down. He is a senior member of a huge gang that basically runs the entire town where she lives and threatens me and her with his friends. His brother is the manager of their apartment and his niece lives next door so she is too afraid to call the police or try to take the car. Right now he has gotten her addicted to painkillers as a way to control her and as a means of threatening that if she tries to leave he will tell the police she is a drug addict, despite this she is an incredible mom and doesn't neglect her kids at all she says she takes them so she can get through her daily "cussing-out session" without feeling anything.
I have told her I will come get her when she needs me to, and that we will go to my old job where I interned at a DV center to get a grant and a TRO, but I try to leave it at that because I know my obvious hatred of him will only make her defend him more when he's "being nice". I have seen this situation a million times and have training on it, so I understand the intricacies of this crappy situation. Right now though I am afraid for her kids and for her, her 3 year old is autistic and nonverbal but the abuse at home is really affecting him, he gets very afraid and upset about it. She is in complete denial about the situation, she doesn't think he will ever hit her because he hasn't done it in the last 5 years, although he did slap a cigarette out of her hands a week ago. He is literally 350 pounds and 6'3 to her 130lb 5'4 and twice her age, which scares me even more.
I know I can't force her to leave or to see that this is dangerous for her and her kids, we grew up in and out of the foster system so she is terrified to try to leave because she doesn't want her kids taken away. I just don't know what to do anymore, I am really considering calling the police next time he does this but I don't know if it will make it worse. He is scamming the disability system and the welfare system, my sister is on TANF and he is using a fake disability and selling drugs to make money on the side, so I have considered reporting that but like I said I am too scared to. I'm not even sure why I am posting this, because I know there is nothing I can do, but really I just needed to vent. I'm thinking of doing something stupid, I hit her last BF with a lamp and a glass bottle the last time he put his hands on me and I really want to do it again, but I know that's not the solution.
I just wish she could see that this is not how it has to be, and that not all men act like this and that she deserves love and respect, and if nothing else that those 2 babies deserve to grow up safe and happy and not crying and scared of their daddy.
My name is June, I am not a survivor of domestic violence from a partner, but I did grow up with my sister's boyfriend who abused us both a lot. She left that relationship a few years ago, but she left it for another abuser. Right now it is only verbal and emotional, they have been together for 5 years and have 2 kids, but he has all the signs: he has isolated her in a small town 30 miles from the city where she is from where she has no friends and only allows her to interact with his family and friends, and only when he is present, he monitors her phone calls and listens in whenever I or my mom are in a room with her. He controls the money, got her kicked out of school and won't let her work. If she tries to go to the store alone he times it and calls her every 5 minutes and the few times I have taken her out, (with both kids because he will not take care of them that's "woman's work"), he checks in constantly then berates her for hours afterward.
He has a serious meth/painkiller/marijuana/alcohol problem, won't work and every night gets drunk and high and calls her every name in the book. In the last year it has escalated a lot to where she has to lock herself and her 2 toddlers in her bedroom while he pounds on the door because he is increasingly threatening to "slap the s**t out of her" and saying she is lucky he doesn't beat her down. He is a senior member of a huge gang that basically runs the entire town where she lives and threatens me and her with his friends. His brother is the manager of their apartment and his niece lives next door so she is too afraid to call the police or try to take the car. Right now he has gotten her addicted to painkillers as a way to control her and as a means of threatening that if she tries to leave he will tell the police she is a drug addict, despite this she is an incredible mom and doesn't neglect her kids at all she says she takes them so she can get through her daily "cussing-out session" without feeling anything.
I have told her I will come get her when she needs me to, and that we will go to my old job where I interned at a DV center to get a grant and a TRO, but I try to leave it at that because I know my obvious hatred of him will only make her defend him more when he's "being nice". I have seen this situation a million times and have training on it, so I understand the intricacies of this crappy situation. Right now though I am afraid for her kids and for her, her 3 year old is autistic and nonverbal but the abuse at home is really affecting him, he gets very afraid and upset about it. She is in complete denial about the situation, she doesn't think he will ever hit her because he hasn't done it in the last 5 years, although he did slap a cigarette out of her hands a week ago. He is literally 350 pounds and 6'3 to her 130lb 5'4 and twice her age, which scares me even more.
I know I can't force her to leave or to see that this is dangerous for her and her kids, we grew up in and out of the foster system so she is terrified to try to leave because she doesn't want her kids taken away. I just don't know what to do anymore, I am really considering calling the police next time he does this but I don't know if it will make it worse. He is scamming the disability system and the welfare system, my sister is on TANF and he is using a fake disability and selling drugs to make money on the side, so I have considered reporting that but like I said I am too scared to. I'm not even sure why I am posting this, because I know there is nothing I can do, but really I just needed to vent. I'm thinking of doing something stupid, I hit her last BF with a lamp and a glass bottle the last time he put his hands on me and I really want to do it again, but I know that's not the solution.
I just wish she could see that this is not how it has to be, and that not all men act like this and that she deserves love and respect, and if nothing else that those 2 babies deserve to grow up safe and happy and not crying and scared of their daddy.
I know you may feel helpless in a situation like this. You want to help your sister and her kids, but your hands are tied sorta speak. The only way this cycle of abuse will end for your sister is for her to leave her abuser. This is a lot easier said than done. From the description you gave of your sister's partner, he sounds very controlling, almost obsessed, his actions could be even more sever because of his drub habit. I believe your sister wants her children in a better environment and she herself wants a better relationships, but until she is ready to leave him, this will not happen. Most abused women love their partner and believe he will change, or believe him when he says he will not lay hands on them again. You stated your sister was went from one abusive relationship to another. This will continue to happen until your sister seeks counseling and can find out why she is attracted to the types of men she is, or the cycle will continue to repeat itself. Through counseling your sister will also learn to work on herself and improve her self-esteem and well being. All aspects of her life will begin to better themselves. If your sister is afraid to leave her partner, there are battered womens' shelters she can reach out to and leave with her children.
Children do not need to grow up in a home where there is abuse that they are subjected to. This is psychologically damaging to them and will affect future relationships they will have with others and or future partners. They themselves could become abusers themselves not by choice, but because of what they are subjected to in their environment and learned behavior. I really hope you discuss this with your sister and encourage her to get the help she needs for herself and her children.