I’ve never done anything like this before, but I think I just need to talk to people who can relate to what I’m going through. I’m 25 years old. My ex is 35, with 3 kids (yah, I know). The first year of our relationship was great, he was just perfect. But there were a lot of red flags. I think I chose to look the other way because I wanted this to be good and be true? After a year, we both moved together for my schooling. That’s where things went south. He became insecure, he would constantly drill me with questions. He was convinced I was cheating or talking to other men. I’ve never cheated in my life, and I have too high of a moral compass to do that to a person. Things progressively worsened from there. He became manipulative, unfair, mean, he isolated me from my family and friends, he became emotionally abusive... one night in January, I responded to a message at 2 am because I could sleep. All I sent was “Lol, same.” He became so enraged that I messaged a male that late at night (mind you this was on a social media picture comment), he told me the only way he would be able to forgive me is if he had abusive sex with me... for four hours I sobbed into my mattress while he used me, hit me, and abused me. Mentally, my relationship died that night. A piece of me, died that night. I felt like a rape victim. I couldn’t go to work the next day because my face was so swollen from being hit repeatedly. My ears were ringing. I remember pulling my cardigan shut and clenching it for dear life like it was the only thing keeping me in one piece anymore. For whatever reason, I stayed for several more months... he would binge drink and lash out on me. One night in February he became so violent that he threw me into my washing machine door and broke it off the hinges, put holes in my walls, I locked myself in the bedroom and he kicked the door in. I locked myself in the bathroom and contemplated breaking the blade out of my shaving razor and just ending it so I didn’t have to feel this way anymore, he broke that door down too. He had two cell phones, he would come home at all hours of the night, he constantly accused me of doing things I was not doing and would expect me to apologize. When I wouldn’t, he called me a liar. He was still married and lied to me about ever having gotten divorced. He had pictures of other women on his phone and god knows what else. Finally I broke. Finally I could not take it anymore. On mother’s Day of this year, I left him. I stayed at my sisters house in the meantime. The next day, he asked to talk. I said sure. I came by the house, he accused me again of talking to other men. I packed a bag and my cat and went to leave. He grabbed my arm and ripped my cat out of my hands. He left bruises on me from the altercation. I caught him on video (which he doesn’t know) threatening to ruin our house so I wouldn’t get the deposit back, threatening to ruin my life. I had all the validation I needed that I had done the right thing. I drove away from the house, and I did not cry. I was not angry. I smiled at myself in the mirror and I said aloud, “You did it. You finally left.” Today, three weeks later, it had come to my attention he had been talking to another woman behind my back for months. My assumption is he had been cheating all the while. I could not help but feel angry. And I didn’t want to be angry. I didn’t want to let him win, to let him control my emotions after all this time. And I asked myself, why am I angry? Because I remained faithful and got accused of doing things I was not doing? Because I actually mourned the loss of this relationship and I was sad to let it go? Because I actually felt guilty for talking to other people and putting some feelers out there after we had broken up? Maybe a combination of all of it. I know we are supposed to take lessons away from our experiences, but I hate him. I genuinely wish I had never met him. 

I have since startes talking to another guy, and I was honest from the get-go. I told him all I am looking for right now is friendship, and we will see what happens from there. I told him I have left an abusive relationship, and that I was skittish and it would take me some time to come around. I told the complete truth. And I’m angry because everyone somehow feels a right to assert their opinion in my affairs? I understand, people are worried about me. I understand that I am freshly out of a relationship. But what they don’t understand is that I have not mentally been safe or confident in this relationship for the past five months. That they have no lived what I have lived. That as much as I enjoy being alone and I have no problem with my own company, I enjoy companionship too. And I am tired of being made to feel guilty for wanting to feel better. I am never going to make that mistake again. You don’t go through abuse like that and expected to brush yourself off and walk away. I have been honest about my intentions from the start, and this new gentleman has been an absolute angel. Realistically, it will take me months to be able to let somebody get near me passionately again. And longer still before I trust enough again to be in a relationship. Isn’t that good enough? Doesn’t anyone care what I want or need? For the first time in a long time, I feel happy. I feel liberated, and free. I have been depressed for two years. For two years my life was not my own. I have taken my power back, and NOBODY gets to take that away from me this time. Anyway... I’m not sure where to go from here. But the people I’ve talked to seem to not be able to relate, and I need to hear from people who can. Thanks for listening.