Divorce Book Club Community Group
Discuss helpful books our members recommend. Members can discuss in-depth and share their personal experiences as real case examples of the books' key messages.
Six weeks ago I became enlightened about the fact that my husband was a disordered character and used covert aggressive manipulation tactics on me for the past 25 years. Reading In Sheep's Clothing was the 'antidote' for me and allowed me to finally break free and initiate the divorce.
My new responses to his tactics have successfully gotten him to curb his manipulative behaviors with me (at least I've seen improvement).
But now I notice how much he does the same thing with our kids (ages 15 & 18). I think he's always used this behavior with them, but it seems as though it's intensified over the past several weeks - the same period when I've been unresponsive to his manipulations on me. It could just be that now I'm quick to recognize it; I'm not sure; but it does seem like he's redirected at them now.
I'd like to educate/train my kids (for lack of a better word) on how to recognize this behavior and not let it suck them into enabling him. I believe they intuitively know something's not right with him (just like I did before my enlightenment).
Since our divorce process is fairly new and the kids are adjusting to the new normal, I'd rather not approach this directly by giving them the book to read and talking openly about daddy's personality disorder. My STBX and I are amicable for now and that is helping my kids through this transition.
Also, I don't intend to approach my STBX and challenge him directly about his disorder and covert aggressive behavior. He has had the 1-up on me for years and I could get royally S*%#wed in the divorce if I don't hold my cards close to the vest. This is the first time in years when I've felt like it's a level playing field. So I feel like all I can do for now is to just be patient and wait until the divorce is final and the kids are transitioned.
But in the meantime, I'm wondering if there are some little stories or analogies I could share with my kids to start to gain a new perspective and maybe change how they react when my STBX acts up. I really liked the puppy analogy that Patti22 used with her kids (in the Avoiding People post in Breakups & Divorce discussion). So I'd welcome any advice or ideas other members have to share.
My new responses to his tactics have successfully gotten him to curb his manipulative behaviors with me (at least I've seen improvement).
But now I notice how much he does the same thing with our kids (ages 15 & 18). I think he's always used this behavior with them, but it seems as though it's intensified over the past several weeks - the same period when I've been unresponsive to his manipulations on me. It could just be that now I'm quick to recognize it; I'm not sure; but it does seem like he's redirected at them now.
I'd like to educate/train my kids (for lack of a better word) on how to recognize this behavior and not let it suck them into enabling him. I believe they intuitively know something's not right with him (just like I did before my enlightenment).
Since our divorce process is fairly new and the kids are adjusting to the new normal, I'd rather not approach this directly by giving them the book to read and talking openly about daddy's personality disorder. My STBX and I are amicable for now and that is helping my kids through this transition.
Also, I don't intend to approach my STBX and challenge him directly about his disorder and covert aggressive behavior. He has had the 1-up on me for years and I could get royally S*%#wed in the divorce if I don't hold my cards close to the vest. This is the first time in years when I've felt like it's a level playing field. So I feel like all I can do for now is to just be patient and wait until the divorce is final and the kids are transitioned.
But in the meantime, I'm wondering if there are some little stories or analogies I could share with my kids to start to gain a new perspective and maybe change how they react when my STBX acts up. I really liked the puppy analogy that Patti22 used with her kids (in the Avoiding People post in Breakups & Divorce discussion). So I'd welcome any advice or ideas other members have to share.
After27yrs post:
Does anyone ever feel that the openness of our relationships with our kids change as a result of our divorces? Do our kids really "know" us anymore, when we have to hide such a pivotal part of our life/experiences/emotions from them?
Refurb response:
I think that is critical to not hide the truth.
truth should be age appropriate but not hidden in order to "protect"
there are only 2 ways to "protect" any one, in particular kids from the truth
1) make truth that they don't need protection from
2) teach, give, them coping skills to deal with truth both good and bad, truth is reality and it is unhealthy to hide reality from anyone
now how you feel about the truth is probably better kept to yourself
Thanks for forming the group.