Today I begged my wife on bend and knee for mercy like peasant. I cried like a baby genuinely expressing my love for her and humbly asked for another chance to show her how much I love her and want to be the husband of her dreams.

I have not done anything to trigger our last fight but I did loose control of my temper and reacted to her in an aggressive  way after she told me she was messing with the other man again for a fourth time. I regret that how I handled it but I was so caught off guard because we were doing so well and I was working so hard to be everything she needed and wanted from me. 

As I begged her and sobbed she showed no emotion. I have never cried so much in my life and I felt my heart jump out of my chest. I thought I was going to die and frankly wished it. I blamed myself as I should for prior affair that led my wife to becoming this person she is now.  As I begged She threatened to leave if I did not get up and my legs would not respond. She was cold and did not seem to even care I was upset and hurting. As I crawled out of her room due to my legs not responding she walked by me like a piece of trash that meant nothing to her. She seemed to act like I offended her by crying and begging her for another chance. I laid in the corridor like a dead plant and she left. She never came back or even called to check on me. She showed she could care less if l lived or died.  I could not believe my wife of 19 years could be so cold and uncaring after all I have done for my family.  I am not perfect but I work hard to give everyone a very good life. I work 12- 15 hours daily.  I decided to go to bed and thought really hard about my health and ability to handle this pressure of divorce.  I could not breath and I had pain in my chest.  I kept thinking she could careless about me anyway and would not shed one tear if I had a heart attack. 

I needed to get my stuff together and be prepared to let go of whatever assets I need to in order to start over. I laid down and slept for an hour and then I received the dreaded text that she is going to see the other man . She said she he wanted to tell her something and they were just going to talk but no sex. Not that it mattered anyway since they already have had intimacy relations. 

I could not believe she would do this to me after what just happened and it came to me that this is what she wants me to feel. She wants to hurt me because I hurt her in the very distant past. I have worked hard to rebuild what we lost but it was never enough. I give and give and it never makes a difference. She has so much anger in her that she is a different person. She is no longer the wife I knew and I am hurting myself by trying to continue in an unhealthy marriage. I am very successful and have never failed at anything in life. 

I have always been able to pull it together one way or another and the fact that I can’t fix the most important thing in my life is killing me. My love won’t let me quit and I am causing myself more and more pain. I pray I have the strength to let go but it’s hard because I see all the great me memories we have had over 19 years and the thought of being alone is terrifying. I am lost with nowhere to turn. Men don’t have a lot of resources and by nature we don’t really talk about things like this so it’s a lonely feeling.