jljlost: Honey, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I was a total trainwreck for most of the 18 Months of Hell it took to divorce the lying, cheating, coward who is now the X.

My parents were both long dead. I have two sisters and one of them lived close by. Unfortunately, she is borderline sociopath and once I discovered that she was also sucking up to the stbx (and the whore he was running around with) I cut off all contact with her. That was in 2006.

NOBODY truly understands the emotional impact of finding yourself neck-deep in divorce unless they have been through it themselves and often, if they HAVE, it is still painful for them to have all those distraught feelings churned up again they may stick their heads in the sand.

Several years post-divorce, old friends who had done the ostrich thing to me started surfacing again. Most of them apologized for their behavior and told me that they had finally seen him for who exactly who he is. And quite a few of them said things like "I don't know how you put up with him for so long" and so on. Truth of the matter is, I didn't know any better; he had NEVER treated me well, but I was COMMITTED to the marriage. Bottom line: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, therefore, I don't owe anyone an explanation or apology. When you are blindsided and betrayed, ALL of your feelings are justified!

Time is the great healer. You have no need to feel as if you need to atone or apologize for your behavior. All you can do is keep moving forward. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

When I first separated from my children's dad, my mother and her husband sided with him. I walked around reeling in a daze. I couldn't figure out why they chose him over me. It was year's later that my brother told me that my mom knew she would get the kids from him and that I wouldn't let her have them. Mind you I was keeping my kids close. They saved me. I think that you have to come to terms with the fact that this is the family you have not what you deserve. I realized that I had wonderful friends who treated me.like family and it was enough. I hope you find friends like that too. I agree with Kathi time will make things better.

Sending you a big hug, i really did not get much
Family support. Both sides are dysfunctional. In
Some ways his is worse and in so much denial.
My mothers is more obvious to most people.

Abuse is an ugly word and it brings shame, i do
Not discuss that term with anyone but trustworthy
And loving people which are very few its not something
You want to banty about in my opinion.

Keep digging into you, i dont know what you do
For support groups?

I do feel like a lonely island many days, many people
That were supportive get tired of the emotional drain
When they have their own problems to deal with. Its
Called burdening your friends. I am guilty never felt
As needy in my life even in support groups.

I have been thru alot of friends in recovery, my
Life was never like that before. Divorce certainally
changes You and your life.

I am doing three recoveries at once divorce, abuse and
Emotional/spiritual. They all go together, abuse is probably
The hardest to face then divorce.

Sending you warm supportive hug


((((( jljl))))

jijlost I lost my daughter from my life for three years right after the divorce was final. I would get to see her once a year at Thanksgiving in a local restaurant. That was the hardest three years of my life. Finally she called one night and she's been in my life ever since. I don't mention her father unless she does. Her father pulled her into his problems whenever he didn't want to pay me. Finally something happened and she was back just when I gave up all hope of seeing her again. Just when I decided to quit leaving "I love you. Call me when you can" messages on her phone.

I went thru my 19 month divorce with a therapist, Divorce Care and one other person. I've never had friends. I'm a loner because that was how I was raised. We moved a lot when I was young. I've lived in six states and many more towns and houses. The company the ex worked for moved us into two of those states. There was no one to take sides and I had very little support.

My mother and dad passed away many years ago. One sister died during my divorce. I didn't attend her funeral because I had to be in court three days after I had thyroid surgery. I have a brother and sister that I haven't seen or heard from in years. When I married and moved away they dropped me from the family. So did my mom. But that made me stronger because I had no one to depend on for anything.

I have had to work harder and longer for what I want. I sometimes spend 8 hours a day on a tractor. It's not unusual for me to work 14 hour days. I grow a lot of my own veggies in the summer and can them for the winter. I finally managed to get this farm into my name only. I've paid off the tractor, the lawnmower and other farm equipment by boarding retired horses. My truck is now paid for. I skimped and saved to pay those things off. My days are long and sometimes hard but I wouldn't change a thing. I no longer have anyone telling me I can't do what I know will work. I no longer have 4 cases of beer stored under the bed. I no longer answer the phone at 4 in the morning to hear the accent of some foreign woman wanting to know where my then husband was.

Your ex has certainly caused you lots of problems but you are now free of him. You can do what you please and decide how long or hard you want to work. When he doesn't pay you go back to court. Your life is now your own. Your relationship with your children can be repaired. Some times those repaired relationships can be even stronger than before. You don't have the life you had before but you are now free to make a life your way for yourself. It won't be easy but it can be done. Just remember you are stronger than you think you are and with time things will get better.

I did not lose my family but my now-husband lost his Dad in his divorce from his X. Like banaspllit said, his Dad sided with his X and his excuse was so that he did it so he could see the kids. My husband was in good standing with his Dad at the time of the divorce so there would not have been any reason for the kids not to see him but his Dad is a narcissist so that explains a lot. Kind of like "don't tell me who I can and can't see" kind of idiocy. So, you are not alone. Sometimes in this journey, knowing we aren't alone is such a comfort.

Thanks for all the support. I still have hope my family relationships will heal, but I know in my heart I lost my older daughter forever. She is living with her dad and cut off all communication with me. I have not heard from her for 5 years. He tells her all kinds of lies about me. I finally stopped sending her birthday cards since she refuses to even give me her address. My other daughter told her my mom passed away 6 weeks ago and older daughter never said thing. At 35 she is old enough to know there might be another side to the divorce but I guess she has decided to ignore it.
Thanks for understanding.

My experience was .. My parents did not encourage my ex to continue relationship with them but didn't actively support me either. 2 of my siblings still see home once in a while.

On the other hand, my ex in laws remained on good terms and in regular contact with me. One exBIL is polite only at funerals while the othe one and my exSIL are very kind and in regular contact. I think they saw what my ex was doing and understood why I couldn't be with him any more. His mum and these 2 siblings were also on the receiving end of what he liked to dish out at different times.

My son has been very supportive and loving throughout but my ex managed to dupe my girls into believing lies about me. One reconciled within months. The other took 4 1/2 years. I worry whether she will ever be the same again but she does tell me things again and says she loves me:)

I lost a lot of couple friends but happily have made new friends who didn't know him or who didn't like him before. It's hard living in the same town as him but this is my home too and my GC are here. So far so good.

I hope and pray your daughter will one day see the truth.

Love and hugs
kamary

I am very lucky that my family all stuck with me. Were they supportive, they felt bad, they offered a shoulder to cry on when I saw them

But not once did they call me, or stop by, send flowers, food, money. Anyone of those things was needed and needed badly.

I found that after about six months my brothers would sort of roll their eyes at my sadness, depression or that I still need to "talk"

I now know that if you haven't lived it you just cant' comprehend how hard it is. I was a disaster for 18 months and wasn't fully healed until about three years.

My father stuck with me and has been my sudo partner. He helps with anything and everything I need with the kids. If I didn't have him I don't know that I could have done this

Even now five years later, I struggle with not having any help.

I make a point to help other single moms I know (would help dads too but I don't know any), I send my girlfriend flowers on mother's day because her kids are too young. I have sent a gift card for a night out to other friends, I don't even sign my name. But just say treat yourself, you are an amazing mom and this gift is just my way of letting you know others can see what a great job you are doing

At Christmas I also take some friends kids out and get them to pick out a gift for mom.

A friend of mine has done this for me every year and it means the world to me. To have a gift under the tree from the kids that I didn't buy myself.

It breaks my heart, reading about how painful this has been for you. I'm so sorry.
I'm really lucky and blessed in that my family, son and mother in law have been supportive to me as well as honoring my request to be kind and respectful to my wasband. His mom, rightly so, supports him first, but still finds time to visit with me or send a birthday card. He visits my mom once in a while, and they enjoy each other's company. My sister says she still wants to "poke him in the nose" for what he's done, but has been polite and welcoming at our son's celebrations. I know what a blessing this is.

In spite of this, I find myself isolated, and lonely, due mostly to my low energy around socializing these days. I see my family sometimes, and touch base with my friends, but find I don't have the impetus to really get out and about like I used to. Still healing I guess, and a little depressed. Nothing to complain about, but it does make me think of how to make contact with other people.

My best source is through volunteering. I'm getting out of my head, doing something for others instead of worrying about myself. Perhaps you might connect with others that way?

Sending a prayer of hope and love your way.

Yeah, I see your point. Your family was so invested into your ex, they were going to support their loyalty to him [rather than to you - their blood] no matter how much of a cheating bad boy he was. I get it your dilemma. My folks too accepted [or pretended to like] my ex for the sake of my being married to him BUT they had no tolerance for marital misconduct. They were much like the mafia godfather who will slap you on the head and whisper sweet nothings in your ear before sending the boys over to put a cap in your knee if you didn't straighten up!!!

Your story reminds me of the bible character of Samson and the affects of his immaturity causing horrible consequences and death to many people in particular to his Philistine marriage as well to his affair partner with Delilah. What I am saying is, some people seems to welcome and bring with them mayhem into their homes and family. It follows them everywhere they go. For the future, it's up to us to take note and be aware of it....and run like the dickens. At least to learn to "shut the front door".

I'm lucky. His family is on my side and has no contact with him, but always contact me. Our relationship with his family is better than ever and I am grateful about that.

jlost I find what happened to you very odd! I see that others here have experienced some form or another of family taking the wrong side, or not supporting at all but....your whole family? Wow. Something just doesn't seem right about this picture.
Both parents and both brothers (what about sisters in law?) and not ONE of them had any empathy about what you were going through? You must come from a truly dysfunctionally and emotionally distanced family. And I don't say that in a condemning way, but more to point out that ....we don't choose our families. Some folks are just born into a strange family dynamic where they are the lone wolf, black sheep, call it what it is.
There HAD to be signs that these people were not emotionally supportive - I would even say truly loving and kind - before your marriage ended?!
It's a tough situation for you to be here but...best thing to do when people bring you down in life, aren't adding to your happiness (through fault of their own I mean here) is to extricate yourself from the relationship and move on.
It must be painful but I give you loads of credit for staying away. It must be painful. Maybe one day someone will reach out again and some healing will occur. hugs of support

We had a very small family. My dad died of alcoholism at 54, before I got married. My mom was a very heavy drinker also. She believed in 'don't let the neighbors see'. 'We are a perfect family'. She also was not an emotional person and had no patience for it. She didn't believe in God. She taught us there is no God to lean on. God was an excuse for being weak. No one cares about you but yourself...not even family. She told me to have an abortion when I happily announced, while married, I was pregnant. She believed money was more important then family. He had money.
My grandparents had all died. I had a very small family, two brothers. We grew up emotionally distant from each other. We are also far apart in age. My older brother born in the 40's, me in the 50.s and the last in the 60's. My in laws were strict Jews. I was the first non Jew in the family. They were relieved when I divorced.
Dysfunctional to say the least.

I am still working through this with my kids. As some of you know, my son has not been talking to me. I went to his daughters T ball game, talked to dil and her friends, my son was in field coaching and when he saw me waiting by the dugout after the game he said to his daughter who was playing oh grandmoms here like he didn't notice I was there earlier I was standing with his family! Anyway we made small talk about his work, my neck and shoulder and I asked him if he still wanted to talk with me about whatever it is that is bothering him. He said yes so he is coming by my house on Sunday unless he changes his mind. As far as I know my Xs daughter is in touch with him and my youngest daughter isn't. And my sons kids 3 and 6 are still acting weird around me which I understand when they see me at the games and then see him at the next one. My sons 11 yr old daughter acts fine around me and we talk.