If you want to heal, you are going to have to let go of this anger! I use the word heal with caution, because it is not so much about healing, it is about you not letting him "ruin" anymore of your life, especially since he is gone and you are not married any longer. My experience is that those of us that thrive learn that it happened and no matter what, the best "revenge"is to go on and live well.

You are not going to get an apology. Give that up! I suggest that if two years has gone by since you have divorced and you are still dealing with all this, and have another relationship, you have may have to get some therapy to let this go and get on with your life. It is not productive to want to punish him, it may be human but it is hurting you, not the ex! It may be that you have not dealt with this in the last two years, but you either have to let it go or work it out. It is not fair to you, and it will effect your relationship with this new man or anyone else if you don't resolve this.

Your sons have a right to a relationship with their father, no matter what went on with your ex and you. They are adults, and have to make their own peace with the divorce. He divorced you, not his children. With children, you are always going to have contact with your ex, because your sons will have life events and you hopefully will be at those, and so will he. There are many here who can give you advice about adult kids and divorce.

It is hard, and I know what you feel is pain. You are not going to get revenge, and you may never get any answers to the whys! Work on you, and try to have the best life you can, and that will be without having him invade that life, thoughts or otherwise. Best to you..

Well, I think the reason it may bother you so much about him contacting his sons is because you just may not feel that he deserves to have all the percs of his marriage, his kids, as if he did nothing wrong. He did do something really wrong and why should that be swept under the rug in the name of family, right? He's asking everyone to accept the unacceptable and that shouldn't be alright. He's asking everyone to be alright with what he's done.

That's just my take on it all.

I have no idea what your kids are going to do. It's thier choice to make.

Will you ever truly heal? Honestly, not in my book. My answer to you is 'nope.'

Hey, I'm not trying to be harsh. Only realistic. In the last years, I think I learned that no one goes thru this all unscathed and unharmed. We all come out of it; We do make it, but emotionally, we are a bit different than we were before.

That's just my realistic stance.

To me, Rb, I think of it like this. Here's my 'for example.' I've had some back issues. So, for now, I have rods in my lower back and plates in my upper spine, with more injuries there now. (Joyous!) It's a physical thing. You can see it on my Xrays and MRI's. With that, I am a bit different than I was. Do I go out and throw around 80 pounds at a pop? Nope, because physically, I am a bit different now.

...and everyone finds that so very easy to understand, don't we?

Now, my physical is different. So's my emotional. It went thru some changes over the last few years. That's only to be expected.

For some reason, I don't think people cut themselves the same slack for emotional health as they do for physical health. We throw a lot of 'you'll get over it' and 'you'll forget it' and such. Problem is, we don't. That's not even close to being realistic.

So, be as realistic with your emotions as you would be with a physical limitation.

Are you going to trust as you once did? Nope, but that's alright.
Are you going to rush into things? Nope, but there is nothing wrong with being wiser.
Are you going to be a bit wiser as to what one person can do to another? Sure, you will and that's a good thing.

You know, we call come thru this. We do. We survive. We even thrive. We'll laugh again. We'll find our footing and move forward.

But do we ever truly heal? As in 'no scars?' As in 'no scar tissue?' As in 'no fear?'

Nope, but we do come out better for it. If we want to.

Just my opinion, L~

I am sorry for this pain. This is a horrible way to be treated after being married for so long. You haven't worked through it. You may have just put it aside for a while to get on with life. That may be the right thing to do for a time. There may be a lot of feelings connected to the marriage and the way he left (no respect, care or concern). It is not easy work to do, but it is worth it. I am still working on it a year after divorce and I get tired of doing all this introspective work but I do it because I don't ever want to allow another man/friend/anyone to treat me with disrespect. Sometimes I have to stop allowing others and other things to be more important than me and take care of myself.

Working this out with a therapist or support group may be helpful. You know what he is. I can relate to the feelings you have when the kids are in contact with him. It feels like betrayal. If the spouse is a user or abuser, he will use the kids and hurt them emotionally and there is nothing you can do but be there for them. But at least you can be there for them. On top of feeling badly about what this former mate has done in your life, you live with the guilt of chaining your kids to a jackass for life. I pray like crazy about this. I pray that God is there for them like a father and will protect them from their father. Then I have to let it go. Your sons have you.

Yes, you will fully heal. You only have control of you, so start there. I hung on to my marriage as if I would get a prize for being able to put up with the most wretchedness. When Iet go of thinking I was giving up something valuable I discovered I had given up the most valuable thing to stay in that marriage- myself, my goals, my dreams, the integrity of living the life I was created to live. When I let go of what I thought was the good life, real oppurtunities presented themselves to me.

You are worthy of a good life, of being happy and respected and loved. Don't doubt it. You are what you decide you are not what others want to tell you or judge. You know you are a good person.

Indeed, you may not have gotten " the last lick" nor the apology from your ex but DO KNOW the strong message of the thing called CONSEQUENCES . The final act of having to remove oneself away from one's infidelity sends the very important message , the relationship ends is the destined result. Even if by his choice, the opportunity of receiving love and grace stops , IS THE ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT . Do not lose sight of its effect, that justice has been served in the sense of deprivation. Think of it as his banishment from your "Garden of Eden".

With that being said, this relationship with the new wonderful man needs your focus. Since you know this is not fair to him, then make a proactive decision to keep it flourishing. Allow this person's LOVE to casts out your fear, anxiety, and worry. You have been given a second chance. Don't let it get away. Your adult children can handle the reentry of their father. Just stand quietly on the sidelines. No need for giving much input.

Wise words from all the above. I do think that you have buried your pain RB - and just because two years have gone by, don't think that it's too late to visit the hurts that you need to heal. LStecker made an excellent point about emotional pain. We sometimes just think that it will go away. Heck, I've said myself on this site that 'time will heal' . And it's true to a certain extent. But time, all on its own, is not enough. It's not time 'therapy'. It's just days ticking by. Something has to be done with all that time. Why not spend it on YOU!

I have children a similar age, and have felt similarly to you. Wanting to see him denied the love and companionship of his children. But it's just plain wrong. Those kids deserve to have whatever relationship they choose for themselves with their father. You don't even need to know about. I have pretty much stopped asking my kids 'have you talked/seen your father lately'. What's the diff? Why do I need to know? I don't. It keeps a connection that I no longer need. I want to know, but I need to let it go.

You and your new partner both sound like you have unresolved issues, and I don't want to seem negative if you feel that it is healthy for you, but I do wonder if this relationship is based on solid ground with so much baggage. Only you know that, and I'm certainly not judging! Just be careful and take it slow.

I hope you will join a support group and/or get some personal therapy. It really does help. Many of us on this site have benefited from same. Best!

Well rb I found your story tough even to just read. The horrible note about the contagious illness and then having to find him with the new girlfriend and his coldness. I think it takes more like 3 years and maybe more to recover when the marriage was long and the circumstances of the breakdown were particularly unpleasant (which if you don't mind me saying so is true of you). I know that because I am almost at the two year mark and I am nowhere near healed. But we will get to that place where those feelings don't just come out of nowhere.

Rb, I found your story very tough, too. I wonder how your ex can live with himself, and what will be his explanation when he talks to your sons. I don't blame you one bit for your, oh so natural, thoughts and feelings. I think you're on the track though with the forgiveness and allowing your sons to work out their own relationships with their father. It's very hard to do, but I think your heart's in the right place and you're thinking of your sons first.

Of course you're angry with him and wish he'd hurt as much as he hurt you. Making him spend the rest of his life without his kids would have to be the worst punishment you can think of. I even think that's exactly what my ex has been working towards since I had the temerity to leave him, and I have good reason to believe it. Rest assured, it's a very effective punishment. The difference here is that you are a loving, caring mother and you don't want your children to be hurt. My ex is a pa narc and he only thinks of himself; he hasn't considered how much damage he's doing to our children by pursuing this line of attack.

My thoughts on healing are that we will all come to grips with our individual situations if we choose to. Time's the great healer because you do the work on yourself, forgive yourself and others, and find new focus in life. This stuff doesn't happen overnight. It's sort of like peeling an onion. You deal with one thing and then there's another, and another. Some things you can sort out by yourself. Some things you need a friend's unbiased opinion. Some things you need a therapist's help.

If you check out the grief wheel, you can see where you are at any given moment, and you'll move back and forth on it, too, until one day you will have dealt with most of the issues following your divorce, and you will rarely feel as bad as you do today.

I agree with Lstecker that the sadness never actually goes away. We do change ourselves as we learn to deal with things, we see ourselves clearly and make changes to ourselves as we see are needed, and we become wiser and more accepting, less expectant and yet more ready to love people with compassion and respect despite their shortcomings. Some of the less hurtful things my ex did in the past, are already relegated to the dim recesses of my mind. I have trouble remembering what he did when people put me on the spot. I simply don't spend time as much time thinking about them, and the neural pathways are not so strong any more. This is a good thing, because it leaves me free to make new and happier memories, to be more open to new relationships with less baggage. My goal is to be free of the old negative baggage but quite up-front about my new boundaries which have come as a result of the bad things.

I find it helps to tell myself that my ex is no longer in my life. It's taken 31/2 years of facing every demon and letting every emotion take its course, allowing myself the luxury of grieving properly, to reach this point. Now I can see him and not feel anything. He's not part of my life, and I'm happy about that. I'm getting stronger about telling myself he is simply not a factor in my life now. I am free of his negative influence and I'm a whole lot happier.

You have a new partner who's been through something similar to you. You can help each other work through the grief of losing your respective partners or it can break your relationship. You were probably doing all right to date, but now that you have the added strain of your ex trying to contact your boys, I think seeing a counsellor separately and together would help you both work through your issues while learning how to keep your own relationship strong and healthy.

I think we all kind of hold onto our ex's. In some way, there's a connection still there. I even think about boyfriends I had in primary school!! I think it's wrong to see an old ex or flame while you're with someone but so many people do. I think it happens when there's a period of discontent in a marriage, when one partner feels as though they're not getting the love, attention and understanding that they need. Maybe some people are never as committed as you think, and are easily led astray. I don't know. It would be good if our ex's who stray could explain.

hope you're feeling a little better

love and hugs
kamary

I'm very sorry you're struggling after all this time, but honestly, there is no timeline for healing. It takes as long as it takes.

I used to carry around my anger at my ex for a long time and also felt a lot of the way that you do now. I wanted him to suffer, to understand the pain he caused me, to hurt in some way. I felt that if he hurt, he would understand my pain.

I was wrong.

The only thing that carrying that anger did was hurt me. It was the ball and chain I dragged around with me and it only weighed me down. When I was finally able to let go of the anger, I felt so free.

Please don't misunderstand--I still think what my ex did--the lying, cheating betrayal, his terrible verbal and emotional abuse before, during and after the divorce, and his nasty disrespect for me in general--is a terrible thing to have to bear. But I've also realized that I don't have to pack that crap around any more.

Please read my journal entry entitled "Always Take the High Road." In that journal entry, I talk about how I moved on from the pain and anger I carried for so long.

You will move on--it just takes time.

Sending loads of healing hugs!

I'm so sorry to hear of what you went through. Although I was not married for 20 years, I was with someone for nine years and it's been almost three years since the split and I am still in some pain over it all. My only advice is to try to turn to God during all of this. I did, and I have some good Christian friends that are helping me in dealing with the pain of all of this - STILL. It's not nearly as bad as it once was, but the ex is still on my mind a lot. I ended up with PTSD from abuse. All we can do is try to have faith, and try to look forward as best we can. Glad to hear that you are not alone. Peace and God Bless

RBSingle1959: We share some common parts of our story. I was also in a relationship with a minister. We had been married nearly 24 years at disclosure. Our children are girls, ages 17 and 19. The affair partner, and now spouse, was one of my "best" friends.......obviously, some inaccuracies in what it means to be a friend. Now we are over a year out from the court date of divorce. I continue in therapy: cognitive and "trauma" therapy....(EMDR and SE) and while I'm not at the END....I do believe I am at a place where I can see that my life is good and there are many possibilities for my future. Here is a link to a newspaper article that was written about my "turning point." http://www.twincities.com/ci_20184391/turning-point-after-divorce-cottage-grove-woman-gathered?IADID=Search-www.twincities.com-www.twincities.com

I believe that you will also arrive at this point....whether you host an event or not. Peace to you.

Jodi

I really struggled with this in the beginning as well. I loved my husband with all my heart. I found it so hard to accept that he no longer felt the same way. What do you do with that love. A love that carried us through so many different hardships and joys. A love that is no longer wanted or acknowledged. I hated what he did to us...our family and the love we had. How do you just turn it off? How do you go from loving to indifferent? I'm just not sure how. For me...I decided...to hell with him. These emotions I feel are mine. He does not own or control them. So..if they are mine...only I have a say. When I realized this I made a deal with myself. I will just love him anyway. I gave myself permission to love anyway. It sure beat the alternative...consuming anger. Rather than fight my truth...I gave into my truth.

Giving myself permission to feel what I feel somehow helped lessen the sting and the anger started to fall away. Ya..he hurt me and broke my heart. What he did to our family was selfish and cruel. He walked away without a second thought. He no longer had a place in his heart for me. That's really hard to take and accept but here I am...3 years later and building a life for myself where happiness is a big part of the mix. I survived. In fact to quote MsTerey...not only have I survived but I've thrived...go figure!

In allowing myself to love him anyway did more good for me than harm. It didnt hold me back...it actually freed me. I think fighting what I truly felt held me back more. It was like I was driving forward with the brakes on...it was burning me out.

Even though we all have similarities we are still individuals and each persons healing path is different from the next persons path. You have to do what is best for you. Since your questioning why you have not moved past the anger and hurt...perhaps its time to try something different. You could just give into what it is you truly feel and allow yourself to work through it instead of denying it. If you still love him let yourself feel it in order to let it go. It certainly couldnt hurt. Big Hugs...Kathy

Kathy, your post is so inspiring and so moving. Thank you for sharing it with us. It's been only 4 months since my husband left, and despite the hurt I feel, I also love him so much. Going forward, I know that your post is really going to help me find a way to balance the pain and the love. You are one amazing woman!

Dearest rb,
There is no magic day or a certain time when we are just supposed to go ' Oh ok time's up were all better now" Everyone's time is different. Maybe just giving yourself permission or saying to yourself it's ok if i'm still hurting and then actually feeling it will help you let it go. Just like diarytech said you can't just ignore it and you can't bury it. So what if it's been two years or five years or ten years you will get there someday. Just remember it doesn't matter how you get to your new found peace in life but that you have the strength to take the journey in the first place. Keep moving forward no matter how slow just keep moving that's what really matters.
Big Hugs:)
Disney.....

Dairy tech, those are good words! They gave me a sence of calm, I do love him, but he no longer loves me, but I can't do a thing about it. He left me, the kids, the animals, the house, to sleep with a married woman, that he works with and sees on a daily basis. But I DO still love him, go figure?

Dairy, I appreciate your words too. Only I don't love him. I haven't for a long time. I once loved the man he pretended to be, that isn't who he truly is. I didn't own it, I was trying to be the dutiful wife and mother. I tried my hardest to love him, he is so cruel. I considered it my punishment for I don't know what. I accepted he was this wonderful man to everyone but me. When it was apparent he was dumping me, all my suffering was for nothing. It was just as bad for me, I had suffered so long for nothing. I had to own that I didn't like this man. I don't respect him and I don't want him in my life. He is a pretty awful person, and especially mean to me.

I think I am talking about the same thing only I don't love him. That is hard to come to. I don't think you are supposed to love those that abuse you. Many times over the years I have applied what normal people do to my situation and tried to make my situation normal. It is hard when you don't even know it is an abusive situation. The important thing is to get real with your feelings and be OK with your self.