Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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julchr 02/09/2015

Strange topic, but I keep experiencing this.

I have been in a serious realationship since my divorce. He is the most wonderful, understanding and giving person I have known, and only asks for the same.

My ex, family and friends only think he's after my money. Not that I have a lot of money, I have some, and he's not after it.

My family and neighbors have come to love him. He tries his best to take care of everyone.

Then, the ex. He promises my neighbors something, never delivers, and I or my boyfriend pick up the pieces.

So, now, my neighbor had surgery, ex promised this or that, and I'm running back and forth taking care of him.

My neighbor's comments were "He's in love", "She controls him" and "He doesn't have time".

So, why is my boyfriend taking time from me, different?

CowgirlKathi 02/09/2015

First of all, screw what your X thinks about your new guy. It's none of his business!

And for my next remark, why do you or your boyfriend feel like you have to pick up the slack for your X? Unless YOU or both of you volunteered to help out these folks, there is NO REASON why either of you should feel compelled to do it.

This is all about setting boundaries.

kamary 02/09/2015

It beats me how they see your dating differently to your ex's. Maybe your neighbour is just trying not to be negative about your ex in your hearing?

love and hugs
kamary

neverceases 02/09/2015

I'm with Cowgirl Kathi-Screw what your X thinks of this guy. He is your x for a reason.

If your family and friends have come to love him and most importantly, you love him then nothing else matters. If the neighbors were people that knew you and your ex as a couple they might have trouble seeing you with someone else. Why they are giving your ex a free pass is anyone's guess. Often times after a divorce we loose friends and/or neighbors to our exes. If that's the case, then I just chalk it up to them not being great friends after all.

If you love this man that's all that matters.
lemaym1.wordpress.com/

Stayingalive55 02/10/2015

You are not responsible for what your ex does and what he does or doesn't do does not reflect on you or your new boyfriend.
Focus on what you want in your life going forward. Be happy with your boyfriend and secure in your own skin.

:)

brokenhearted1220 02/10/2015

I agree with neverceases. As disappointing as it can be neighbors often change toward you after the divorce. Sometimes it is subtle, and sometimes it is more pronounced. If you're being a good neighbor and picking up the slack from your ex because you like your neighbors, then you're just a good person doing it for the right reasons. Don't do it because he promised them. Just tell them that your ex made those promises and since you're not together anymore, you don't know what he's up to. And then (although I know it is hard to say "No", just tell them that you have other obligations. (And then if you still have it, hand them your ex's phone number just in case they "lost it" and tell them to call him.)

julchr 02/10/2015

'thanks for your responses. I agree ex is my ex for a reason. My neighbor and his now deceased wife heard ex's rantings. Neighbors wife helped me through the divorce. I checked in with her 2-3 times/week because her health wasn't good. I was the 3rd person my neighbor called when she passed in her sleep, before the EMT's. Do you think ex showed up at her funeral? No.

I also just let the strange comments from my neighbor roll by.

Misred 02/10/2015

Neighbor is a man so he may feels some sort of allegiance to your EX. I agree with the others. It doesn't matter what your EX or your neighbor thinks of your guy. And do not feel responsible for filling in on commitments your EX makes since you are no longer married to him. (((HUGS)))

julchr 02/11/2015

My neighbor loves my boyfriend. I tend to lose him for hours at his house playing with his toys. My neighbor has a few hundred thousand dollars in model railroad trains in his basement, and loves sharing them.

I'm just confused as to why he keeps commenting on ex's relationship being so great (when he and other freinds told me they broke up), and I've been with the same person. It's just odd.

PsiChi 02/11/2015

Sometimes people just don't think....maybe thats all with your (im assuming) elderly neighbor.

It's hard for people to accept the new person in your life. For whatever reason this seems to be moreso for the woman than the man. It's like we are supposed to be these gentle, submissive, grieving waifs when our men leave. I think not!

julchr 02/11/2015

PsiChi, Love that! Yes, my neighbor is elderly. I just think it's his old age humor. He's upset at ex for not doing things for him, and happy my boyfriend and I take care of him.

Why he's making these excuses for ex, I don't know.

Misred 02/11/2015

There are some men (typically the older ones and my EX) who think something is okay for men but not okay for women. Double standard. For instance it was considered acceptable for them to be having sex as teens but not for the females. It was "boys will be boys" and "good girls don't." He doesn't see you equal with your EX or he can relate to him as a man.

I'm glad your neighbor likes your partner.

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