Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
My stbx is over our bestman's house tonight with him and his wife.
Dan and Laura were our best friends at one time. My stbx proposed to me in Myrtle Beach while we were on vacation with Dan and Laura and he was our best man.
Somewhere along the line, Dan stopped talking to my stbx. I never knew what the real reason was, but I was told it had to do with my stbx always taking and not giving. I don't know for sure. But this has been going on for years - Dan not having anything to do with him. Needless to say, our friendship as couples dwindled away.
One of the first people my stbx called after he moved out was Dan. He wanted to make amends with him. He told our son that time helps people forgive and he and Dan were working things out. He expected Dan to forgive him for whatever, but he couldn't forgive me for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. I found that very ironic at the time.
Well tonight I had to get ahold of my stbx for a birthday gift for my daughter so I texted him. He text's back that he can't talk because he's over at Dan and Laura's right now.
This really hurts me because for all these years I missed our friendship with Dan and Laura because of something my stbx had done. But I stuck by my stbx and supported him through this heart ache. He was very hurt by Dan's actions towards him for quite a long time. And now that we are no longer together, he makes the effort to fix it.
I texted him back and told him to tell them I said Hi. Then I also added that "it would've been nice if you would've made this effort while we were still married. They were my friends too and now I'll never see them again". This hurts me. I don't know what he's told them about our situation but I'm sure I'm the bad guy. They will never know the truth and that's not fair to me. I valued our friendship with them even though they had been friends with my stbx long before I came into the picture.
I know I shouldn't care and I'm all about saying how I'm moving on, but this is one of those set backs that everybody tells me about. One of those trigger moments that bring back a lot of memories. We had soooo many good memories with these two and now it hurts me to know that my stbx will more than likely be sharing good memories with D&L not only without me, but probably with his "new girlfriend". I don't want this to bother me but it does. I know I'll get past it, but it does hurt.
I wish I had never met him. I know I've got two wonderful children to be thankful for as a result of our marriage, but I wish I'd never let him have the power to break my heart in two over and over again. I will never allow this to happen to me ever again. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than to love this deeply and get hurt this badly.
Dan and Laura were our best friends at one time. My stbx proposed to me in Myrtle Beach while we were on vacation with Dan and Laura and he was our best man.
Somewhere along the line, Dan stopped talking to my stbx. I never knew what the real reason was, but I was told it had to do with my stbx always taking and not giving. I don't know for sure. But this has been going on for years - Dan not having anything to do with him. Needless to say, our friendship as couples dwindled away.
One of the first people my stbx called after he moved out was Dan. He wanted to make amends with him. He told our son that time helps people forgive and he and Dan were working things out. He expected Dan to forgive him for whatever, but he couldn't forgive me for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. I found that very ironic at the time.
Well tonight I had to get ahold of my stbx for a birthday gift for my daughter so I texted him. He text's back that he can't talk because he's over at Dan and Laura's right now.
This really hurts me because for all these years I missed our friendship with Dan and Laura because of something my stbx had done. But I stuck by my stbx and supported him through this heart ache. He was very hurt by Dan's actions towards him for quite a long time. And now that we are no longer together, he makes the effort to fix it.
I texted him back and told him to tell them I said Hi. Then I also added that "it would've been nice if you would've made this effort while we were still married. They were my friends too and now I'll never see them again". This hurts me. I don't know what he's told them about our situation but I'm sure I'm the bad guy. They will never know the truth and that's not fair to me. I valued our friendship with them even though they had been friends with my stbx long before I came into the picture.
I know I shouldn't care and I'm all about saying how I'm moving on, but this is one of those set backs that everybody tells me about. One of those trigger moments that bring back a lot of memories. We had soooo many good memories with these two and now it hurts me to know that my stbx will more than likely be sharing good memories with D&L not only without me, but probably with his "new girlfriend". I don't want this to bother me but it does. I know I'll get past it, but it does hurt.
I wish I had never met him. I know I've got two wonderful children to be thankful for as a result of our marriage, but I wish I'd never let him have the power to break my heart in two over and over again. I will never allow this to happen to me ever again. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than to love this deeply and get hurt this badly.
This friend thing, too. Just knowing he's there automatically makes you feel low. I know that feeling, too. It's awful. It's like you want to start writing a long letter to them explaining what REALLY happened because you know he's not being truthful or making himself to be the good guy they all know and love. It sucks. All of this stuff sucks. There is not a thing you can do to change it though. Just move on with dignity. If they really know you, they will take what he says with a grain of salt. And, if they believe what he has to say - so be it. It's not going to change your world or theirs.
Being single the rest of my life is my dream. The bulk of my hurts have come from this relationship and now the break-up of it. It's just so not worth the pain. Too much and too late for me. By the time I heal - I'll be dead or the men in my life will be on their way too! :)
You just stay strong kid-do! You'll get through this and WILL find someone to love and love you. That's a given. Big smoochies.
Part of the reason is maybe a little jealousy, you were good friends of these people and now he is there and you are n't...all perfectly normal. If you look at the last letters in jealousy. lousy that is how it makes you feel. I don't think the idiot is don't this out of spite, but out of lack of a reationship....My situation was a little different, she was so controlling that I had lost contact with my best friend from grade school on...and I have reforged that friendship....but I was looking for old friends for I had nene....regardless these were your friends too and because of the divorce and the idiot being there makes it almost impossible to regain that relationship with D/L....
but don't ever give up on love....you will find one that loves you as deeply as you love in return.....Jack
Take care. Big healing hugs to ya!
We don't know the answer to that today. But I know that it is because there is something out there better for me.. It is so much for our souls to deal with.. better not to know.. We will get there my dear I know it. Forward march!!! The Lord has good things waiting for us, we just have to open our hearts, and minds. Bless you ...
Hugs.
I was divorced 25 years ago from my kid's father, and trust me, it takes YEARS AND YEARS (17 in my case!) to get to the point where you can communicate like two unemotional, detached from the marriage, people. It doesn't happen in months or even a few years. It just doesn't. I don't care what anyone says. You have to be almost a lifetime away from the entire mess before it is insignificant enough to you that you can detach from it.
My stbx also "got" the couple friends, and he has told them all sorts of lies to justify his bizarre behavior. It is so painful. But, I just can't even think about it, and I don't want to know about their relationships. Whatever. They all need to believe the lies because the truth and the reality would be too overwhelming and painful for them to deal with. So, I hope they are all happy in la la land, and I'll move on and make new friends. Who, I hope, aren't quite so fair-weather.
Big hugs to you Chrissy. I know how painful this was.
please take time for YOU and make it about YOU...not stbx! It is sad, be sad for the loss but then pick your head up and know that you are going to be so much better without him...you really will!
HUGS!
You must stop texting, getting information from your kids, and contacting him for things that you think you need to.Try and really think things out before you call, text or any contact. Wait and hour before you contact him and think if this is really necessary, can I decide on my own. Once I stopped contacting my ex I got a lot better. One e-mail from him in a reponse I asked for could ruin my whole day. Contacting him and making statements like you wish he would have done this during your marriage is arguing and you were trying to make him feel guilty for repairing the friendship. You can not control what he doing. That is why it is better to not know what he is doing. All it does is set off a chain of thoughts and events that have you reeling and angry and ruin your day. He did break your heart, but believe me, not knowing what he is doing or reacting to it is a huge step to gaining back your own power.
I know this is very painful but remember if D & L are true friends (even though you lost contact over the years,)they will remember you for who you were, when in their company. It won't matter what your STBX says. You will find peace in letting it go! HUGS!
I texted him this morning and told him to forget about making the gift that I would find a way to get it done myself. Of course, he turned this around and said, "Yea, good point, we wouldn't want her to think I had anything to do with it". I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with that and that my reason was I needed to stop relying on him for these kind of projects and find my own way. It wasn't his idea anyway - he would've been just a hired hand. This gift wouldn't have been from him, it would've been from me. Jerk.
Anyway, thanks for all your good words of advice. I am really going to try harder to not contact him for ANYTHING - no matter what.
Gotta get stronger in my resolve to finish this once and for all.
Thank you.