I think when you are in a long-term marriage, you may move on, but I'm not always sure you stop caring a little bit.

A good example of this happened to me about a month ago. I was visiting ex's family (we are still on good terms), and his sister told me that he'd had to have surgery again on an old injury. When she told me, I said, "OMG, is he alright?" in a shocked and concerned tone that totally surprised me.

As I was driving home, I thought about my response to that news and realized that even though I'm moving on, there's a little corner of my heart that must hold a little bit of concern for him.

As I read your post, though, it appears you know a great deal about what's going on in your ex's life. Are you getting the info from your daughter? If so, it may be time to set up some healthy boundaries by talking to her and letting her know that knowing certain things still hurts you.

I would also recommend counseling. If it's been three years, it may be that you need the gentle nudge that counseling provides to help you move on.

Sending loads of hugs. This can be so difficult.

I think we care because we don't want them to be what we perceive as happy by finding someone else. Or that for many of us, they are out having again what we think is good time, while we are here dealing with the kids, the house, the mundane life! It is hard not to compare out situations to the exes! It is hard not to get angry about it, but you can only control you, your reaction to him and your life! It is wasted energy. Easier said than done!

I admire you for putting your kids first, I admire all of you who do that. I also believe that when you are mom, it is harder because as you said you are not going to expose your kids to a new person. I don't have kids and I know they are the ones that relate or tell you what is going on with the ex. THat is so hard. I have always had a huge advantage that I have no info on him. I for a year or so was able to hack into a on line shopping site and see what he was buying and that way I had a good idea what he was up to.. nothing! BUT, try and not find out what he is doing, try to get the kids not to tell you!

I think Hurtin gave good advice. There is no time frame, but after 3 years it is now time for you! Set some boundaries and don't spend so much time thinking about him and what he is doing. I say, don't let him take up so much real estate in your head, because he is not thinking about you, believe me! A BIG HUG!

"This is at least his 6th [relationship] in 3 years". In my opinion, this desperation search of his, is a reflection of his bondage, called deception. The man wears masks, living in continual fear of being discovered. Hence, he must avoid any and all emotion connection. Heaven forbides if a woman gets to close. Truly, not quite the definition of happiness. ...now is it? His story ends badly and history repeats!

Thank your lucky stars, you have a new and improved life. As a woman of faith, keep your eye on the prize.

Apparently, you're not completely over him yet. There are some of us who ARE and others find that strange. In my situation, the man I THOUGHT I married doesn't exist. I can't stand the man I did marry, so I was mor than happy to be rid of him. I do understand a broken heart as mine was broken two years ago so I do feel pain, but not from my ex. As far as dating men because you're a mom, you're also a person. I was always Mom first; then a date. I included my dates with my children because we came as a package and I wanted to see how they were with my kids. My kids were 15 and 18 when I started dating. My dates were usually dinner at my home, or PTA meetings, the kid's games, his or mine. We all went to the same church also. It was almost group dating because I'm not loose either.

Start thinking of yourself as a woman as well as a mom. He sounds as though he's not worth your time and thoughts as I feel sorry for anyone else he gets involved with. From what I'm hearing, he's no prize. YOU'RE the prize!!! Remember that often. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM!!!! You deserve better!

mbstone, your post touched me and I actually found myself chuckling a little bit. If you go out for dinner with a man, that does NOT make you a "hoochie" -- I love that term! And if you go out to dinner with this man, it does not say that you are going to have sex with him, either.

Now I see that you have been divorced for 3 years...in another discussion, I think I was unclear about it, but what I said could just as easily apply here. There is NO REASON for you to live like a "nun" (again, I apologize if you are Catholic, but you get my drift). As a matter of fact, this far out of the marriage, I would think that entertaining the idea of, at the very least, making a platonic connection with a member of the opposite sex would be a really good sign that you are healing in a HEALTHY WAY.

The sooner you find something new and exciting to occupy YOUR new life, the quicker all these backward glances will cease. I hear what you say about how hearing what the X is up to affects you; it's up to you to put the stops to the information AT ITS SOURCE (and your daughters are old enough to understand this request). What he does now has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU and if you let it get to you, then that is your issue. A good therapist or counselor can be instrumental in getting you over this hump.

Something else...just because you have always done this or that doesn't mean you have to continue to do this or that. Stepping out of our comfort zone is guaranteed to bring personal growth and a different perspective to our lives. Take a class at your local community college or sign up with a volunteer group -- there are a myriad of volunteer opportunities out there. You will get out of your comfort zone, learn something new and meet new and more interesting people.

Only YOU can change your patterns. Don't stay stuck in the Tyranny of the Shoulds! Take a leap of faith IN YOURSELF -- and remember: No Risk = No Reward.

I will be sending you all kinds of positive thoughts on this.