Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

506 Members

7,364 Posts

0 Online

fatallove 10/15/2008

Yesterday my stbx came to the house to do some yard work. He didn't come to the door or anything because I already knew that he was coming but while he was out there doing the work I couldn't even sit down for a minute inside! I just didn't know what to do and my emotions were all over the place. It's been over a year now and I still have this reaction to him every time we have any kind of interaction or are near each other. I literally walked around and paced inside the house the entire time he was here. I just don't know how to handle being near him. I wanted to just leave the house but I didn't want to leave him free access to the garage (we still haven't come to a settlement or agreement on property and I don't want him taking anything yet).

Does anyone else have this problem? Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

pemdcat 10/15/2008

Most likely the reason is that you still love the jerk, excuse me but this is how I feel about him he did some very dirty things to you and yet you are still there for him...You will know the time to let it go and start to move on, as far as dealing with it focus on the crap he dumped on you and turn it to anger. This is the next, I think.....worked for me......AJJ

deleted_user 10/15/2008

Sorry. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this myself. Rules changed and I don't always know what they are.

Tapping into some anger can be good if his being there is confusing to you heart wise. If you are just uncomfortable with him being there, call a friend over.

Hugs.

KatieBee 10/15/2008

I found that at the end of my time before moving anger was what moved me through the process. Of course, Nan will tell you that I did some mighty nasty things,but nothing nastier than what he had done to me or my children!

deleted_user 10/15/2008

This man (and your friend?!) really threw you through a loop. It was a shock to you - you may still be in shock. It was a horrible and selfish thing for them to do. I'm so sorry that you have this pain to endure right now. I don't think that pacing is odd. I'd probably be pacing too. I know that it's been a while that you've been going through this, but you will get yourself back again. You've been through so much and have a new baby to boot. Sooner or later this whole mess will end for you and you'll find yourself in a better life. One that you deserve and your children deserve. Just hang on - it will all get better. LOL

Chrissy614 10/15/2008

I do the same thing without realizing it. Sometimes I follow him like a puppy dog. It's just hard for us loving souls to feel indifferent to our feelings. We loved them, they were our whole lives. It is normal for you to feel restless when he's there. Hell, we just learned how to live with them after 20 years, it may take us another 20 to learn how to live without them. OMG - bite my tongue - it better not take 20 years. LOL

You are doing fine Fatallove - normal reaction to an abnormal situation. In time it will get easier - can't wait for the day when you tell him you no longer need his assistance in the yard or anything else for that matter. Then you will have truly moved on. Six months ago you would have been outside with him, practically begging him to give you another chance and now all you do is pace inside the house.

I think thats progress. Hugs to you.

sfsoccermom 10/16/2008

I do the exact same thing, and I actually realize it. That is probably why every time he comes to see the kids at the house, I end up arguing with him. We never argued when we were living together, now I can't seem to keep my mouth shut.

Join the Conversation