Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I am 49 years old and will soon turn 50 in August. I divorced my husband 7 years ago after 20 years of marriage. He was having an affair with his cousin's wife who had a child from another man (not his cousin's) Soap Opera I know!. I was completely blown away being told that I would have to be checked for an STD because he thought she was "safe". I just can't seem to get past feeling sorry for myself and the predicament of being single. He currently is living with another woman and I still have my college age son in my home along with my 17 year old daughter. I still question everyday how because of someone else's actions I have had my life turned upside down. I see so many other people living their lives, going on trips and in long-term relationships. Then there is me who continues to hurt. I can't really say I am angry after all these years. I just am still trying to feel some normalcy. I also question that in my mind I could of been so much further in a career but I stayed home with my kids. He is living his life. I am trying to live my life too but just can't seem to be happy. I didn't mean anything to him. I was a "sap" and "freeloader" to him because I wasn't bring in any income. Days I just want to give up but I know I can't. I know other's feel the same way as I do. Thanks for listening.
i look at you and am jealous in that my wife cheated, choose to divorce, yet she has my daughter more than I and my son half of the time.
i miss that I have my son and daughter at all in that they are both healthy, (my daughters friend is in a dreadful bone cancer relapse)
it sucks for you, i and those like us that our silver linings come with clouds, and it is all too easy for the clouds to obscure the linings
as for the being stuck on "not meaning" anything to him, it is true, hurtful, and heartbreaking.
It is not demeaning, although it seems so. You are not a selfish person, so it easy to presume that people in general think like you and that he does too.
Nope, he is a reptile, you mean nothing to a sinister selfish reptile, that demeans him and sadly he is not "human" enough to know it
the reptile-ness of someone that i loved and trusted with my life is the hardest thing for to deal with, more so then the economics of the future (i was a stay at home dad - derailed my career for hers - - - it made sense at the time for a lot of reasons, the career was good - not great, the best parts of me were in being s stay at home)
if you are like me it is the "meaning nothing" and her ability/capacity to destroy the family that was beyond my comprehension,
somewhere in what i wrote is a point, ;-)
I try to keep this quote in mind: "Sometimes you have to let go of the life you THOUGHT you had in order to live the life you are SUPPOSED to." That's not an exact quote, but close enough. I don't believe in miracles so much, but I STILL believe that something wonderful will happen for me -- and for all of us who got dumped on in such a big way. I don't dwell on the ugly details of my 18 Months of Hell. I have no reason to contact X except in rare instances when it involves our grandkids. I work hard to keep the focus where it belongs -- on ME -- and finding meaning in the things I do.
I DO believe in Karma, however, and I know that my perseverance will pay off at some point. I have been blessed with some amazing new friends here in SW Florida; I don't really have any money troubles, and my health is good. Those are all major GIFTS that came to me as a result of X's betrayal -- that and a much stronger, clearer sense of who I am and knowledge of what I truly want and don't want in my life.
Happiness and peace is a choice! I pray that you will find both of those things despite the setbacks. Big squeezy hugs to you! xoxox
I agree with Kathi...happiness truly is a choice. Once we realize and ACCEPT that what we had/wanted is no more, we can move on. It's all about changing our own attitudes. Treasure your memories, but let go of their control over your life.
If we're going to move forward, we need to feel our feelings, then forgive, or accept some people say here, to free ourselves and start making our best choices based on where we are now.
I too struggle because I didn't make this situation, it was my husband's choices that led us to this point, but I now choose to stop allowing him to continue to exacerbate things. I take control of what I can, work as best I can to make my life comfortable and volunteer to get myself out into the world and help create a better place for others in it.
You are a parent taking care of her children, that is the most important job in this world. Good for you! Nothing he can say or feel can change that, and, as of 7 years ago, nothing he says should have any bearing on how you feel about yourself. I know it can, just want to remind you that you do get to choose whether you listen to what he say or not now. Take care and thanks for sharing!!
You were likely in shock for quite sometime, and maybe then you got counselling and got yourself back on track. Seven years is quite a long time...almost a third as long as your marriage! Isn't the way you live NOW the new normal? Maybe looking at it this way might help!
Do you have to constantly deal with him and see him? Maybe that's holding your recovery back...
Something is missing for you. What's the missing piece? Really think about this. Happiness is out there for the taking hon....I hate to see you miss out on anymore of your life, and not fully engage with enjoying the precious time you have with your young adult kids because you're still sad about how your life turned out!
What happened with your ex, well, it happened. Nothing will make it unhappen. You can only go forward. That sounds so cliched, but it's TRUE! What do you want out of your life? A different job? A different home? Someone to love? Whatever it is, take some steps to get there! It doesn't have to be life altering huge steps. Baby steps are fine. But take them! Don't live with regret. That's not a life.