I think you may be feeling this way because you are really in "shock" - it happens when we try to face the reality. And it is much easier for us to blame the OW because he has been part of our heart for so long.

This is where I am right now - I am so enraged at the OW - and found it easier to "deal" with him - but the reality in my siutation is that if it wasn't this OW it would have been another. So I have to take him down off the pedestal I kept him on for 28 years....and face the reality. In doing this, I found my anger for him (did I ever!). And it gets a tiny bit easier every day to accept the reality.

You deserve respect and love. I pray you find strength and peace. Hang in there!

HUGS

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, but the truth is "you HAVE to" deal with this. He's been gone for 1 1/2 years and has left you 9 times. He claims he's had 2 dates with this woman in that time, yet you know he's spent his weekends with her and her family for 7 months. And, that's what you know - who's to say it hasn't been even longer? Then he was "chucked out" of his place and HAD to move in with her (poor him). Does he not have a wife and children?

I don't want to sound hurtful to you here. I know that you're in pain, but you have to leave your "love for him" out of this. Besides, it is not love your feeling at all. It's denial and rejection. Has he been paying the bills and being a father to his children during this time? I'd put money on "he hasn't". He left you and his kids - not just once, but many times. I'd also put money on the fact that this is not the first woman he's been with either. Again, I in no way want to hurt you. I just want you to see this picture for what it is. Stop believing what he "says" and only look at what he's "doing" or been doing all along.

He's running this show and you're allowing him to be the star. There are consequences for everyones
actions - he hasn't paid any yet. He likes it this way. He likes it, because it's all about HIS needs - no one elses. Aren't you and your children more deserving then this? I think you are. If you can somehow save this marriage, then do it NOW. If you've tried all that you can and are going nowhere (which is where I believe you are), then kick him to the curb and move on.

Don't worry (chuckle)- along the way you WILL feel lots of anger towards him. She may be an ass for getting involved with your H, but he's an idiot for letting it happen. He's married! He knows that - maybe she's been told differently. Separated? Getting a divorce? Who knows. It's pretty clear that he's very good at manipulating.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. I pray for your strength and guidance along the way. Big hugs.

Nan56 has said it all.
This is "tough love" time, honey. Your marriage has been a sham for a long time. Now it's time to END IT and FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT!
The feelings you are having are normal, but Nan56 tells it like it is. We've all been there, done that, and have the t-shirts to prove it.
Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, my dear, and get on with the rest of your life.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I was very angry at the OW too. Then I realized if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. People that are the ow/om in a relationship don't have any self respect for themselves. I'll never be anyone's sloppy seconds. That's just what they are.

Put your anger where it belongs. On the man that stood before God with you. I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry at the ow too but the majority of the anger should be directed at your husband.

You poor dear. Welcome to the nasty world of divorce and infidelity. You have definatly come to a good place for support and great advice. Please do NOT blame yourself because you didn't answer him when he texted about coming back. Sounds like he has used you for a doormat too long. Be strong and know you are not alone.

The FULL consequences goes to the your husband who pulled the trigger of "I want to screw around with other woman. And as long as my wife allows it, I can do what I want. I'll just keep my wife on the side line for a backup. My wife will do anything to preserve our marriage despite my infidelities."

Do see your daughter is watching how you are coping with your husband's bullshit. This is not good mentoring. Show your daughter how NOT to settle for this bad treatment..... Step up to the plate and say "NO MORE OF THIS!" and turn your back to this JERK who does not deserve the label as husband and father long ago. Trash him to the curve.

PS : Please disregard my "father" comment. It was not intented.

Everyone is right. You deserve so much better. Yes you can be mad at the OW but if she doesn't have respect for herself, she won't have it for you. Your husband made a commitment with you and he is not living up to his commitment. If you want to stay with him then let him know the rules. IF he doesn't want to adhere to the rules of marriage then you must move on. Your daughter is watching all of this. I was so proud with my kids when I saw an e-mail addressed from one child to another and it said that she was very proud of me and how I am handling my life right now. The other child agreed. This was never said when I stayed married to their father. They use to even ask me why was I with him and they do love their father but they know when mom deserves better.

Nix if your daughter was in the same position as you, what advice would you give her? Just a thought. Hugs and Kisses

thankyou so much for all your replies,all of what you say is true.i do still love him and miss him terribly but i know that its over and im not sitting waiting for him like i was a few weeks ago.and yes your right i deserve better and our children deserve better.
this is the hardest thing ive ever been through and i know that i will get through it.xx

Nix - Many hugs to you and your children in this very devastating situation. Sound perspectives provided. Coming too terms with the realities is something we all do in our own time and when our heads look at what our hearts wanted to believe - it causes both shock and then the real grief process to begin. The pace of grief and decision or action is something that I have found comes to each us in our own way.

I first want to extend my hugs. But second - perspectives for your daughter. Mine is 17 and a son 16. My ability to make and hold a decision -- since last April (infidelity, lack of commitment, etc. on stbx part) deals with myself naturally but also for them. The long and the short is that through some very tough months I have realized what my former relationship with my stbx did to my daughter. She has difficulty forming heathy relationships at the moment (and I know she will grow stronger) especially with males b/c of the model she saw in terms of a lack of commitment and respect for females and in her case for the children. I see her unable to trust or share herself. I've sat back on my heels and we do work through things with their ups and downs. I know that where we are is better - and through time we unravel the emotions and hopefully better alternatives for her. It is what it is - but I am trying to set for her a role model (as imperfect as I am) of self-respect.

She will have love for her dad and I won't seek to diminish this - but indeed she also at the same time has to temper this with his abandonment of them. Being under the same roof - or even under the pretense of a marriage in words only - I don't think is healthy because the relationship or marriage would't be a reality of a committment relationship of real love, care, respect. In my case, no matter what I'd wished, my husband has checked out on caring or the ability to truly put anyone's else's needs alongside of his. He has lost his moral and life compass and he will need to find it on his own. My children and I cannot stop living life or put ourselves on hold emotionally or financially until he may chose to decide that there is another course for him. Hardest decision but one I know is the right one.

My prayers for you and your children. Be strong and keep your eyes on the prize -- you, as well, as your children.

My ( the ex I say now) ex moved in and out a few times since fall of 03, he moved out emotionally a few more times than that.. he moved out the first time on the advice of our therapist and we continually went to therapy, individual and together. We were fortunate to have done that, it helped. We divorced in April of 08. There were no other people, that helped. So I can someone relate, every time he left it was the same feelings all over again and again.

You are have been in the limbo state, and as many others here have stated it, is easy for him. He has someone else and yet still has not had to make any legal decisions, so he has one foot in both the marriage and outside relationship. You have not said if you have counseling, but I and a lot of others would suggest that if you can. Only you can decide what you want to do with your marriage, and he may have made some of those decisions for you both. I would get a consultation with a lawyer also, many are free and bring what financial information you have with you. If not a free consulation, many are about 200 dollars and may be the best money you have ever spent. Like I said only you can decide what you want to do, and if you want to work at this either way, you have to be able to see all your options, legal and emotional.

The anger is part of all this. Not that this OW is justified in all this, but natural to direct your anger at her, it probably should be divided and get angry at him. Anger can be a great motivator, and not all anger is unhealthy, just hard to know which is which! She should not be involved with him, and this is why no one should be dating anyone who is not divorced yet, but that never stops anyone, and unfortunately she may "help" him get divorced. Everyone is right, work on you and stay strong for your kids. Best to you..

nix192..((((HUGS)))).....My feelings on the OW...misdirected anger. She is also a victim. She probably has not been told the whole story...god know what he has told her. The focus of your anger should rest 100% on your husbands shoulders. He is the one that married you, he is the one that helped produce your wonderful children, he is the one that let his whole family down, he is the one that failed not only his family but himself. He is the one that is showing you who he really is.

I went through this same thing when I was only 12 years old. My mom took my dad back several times. This went on until I was 20 years old. I watched my mom be continually emotionally abused. I hated my father for what he had done to our family. But....I still loved him and wanted a relationship with him, although he didnt have time for us...I still loved him. My anger was directed at my mom. Why? Because she kept taking him back. I never understood why she would do that. I blamed her for our prolonged misery within the family. My dad was a chronic cheater. How could she want that for herself and us. If my father had not died....Im sure we would have had to bear the repercussions of continued abuse.

It wasnt until my own divorce that I really understood her....that was 25 years later. I took my ex back for a second time. He repeated. I could see the looks on my kids face and remembered back to when I was a child watching my mom do the same thing. I believe everyone deserves a second chance...but no more than that. With this second divorce....I am done! Once is a mistake...twice is on purpose. You deserve so much more than what you've settled for. You deserve the love and commitment of a grown man...not a man child. But most of all....you deserve your self respect and the respect of your children.

Im not saying these things to hurt you. God knows...I know what your going through and I dont wish this on anyone. The love you have for this man is misplaced....direct it towards yourself and your children. You will get through this...I know it seems impossible right now...but each day you will get stronger and stronger...after you've made the decision to not take this kind of abuse any longer. You are stronger than you think...better days are coming...Big Hugs....Kathy