They are weak. The ow in my relationship is divorced. My therapist told me she gives all divorced women a bad name. Your friend probably knew someone who was divorced and stole a husband. The insecure ones probably think you could go after their husbands.

You should tell them how sick you think it is that anyone would have an affair with a married man. They are scared too. If it could happen to you, it could happen to anyone. When it happens to someone you never thought it would, it shocks everyone. Not just you.

Maybe talking to you scares them about their own marriages. Out of site, out of mind. They avoid because they need to for themselves

Hugs to you.

I agree with Sld1. I know when my husband left, people were very shocked and several people told me it made them think about their own marriages. I have read in books on divorce that when your marriage ends, you become eligible and married people may feel like you are a threat to their marriages because you are a possible partner for their spouse, hence your friend asking if you thought her husband was attractive. And the most common reason is "if it can happen to you, it can happen to me" thinking. It said that usually the shakier their own marriage, the quicker they will leave you. It's THEIR insecurities, not you.

But it could be that they just don't know how to act or what to say or don't know how to support you. Since you've been friends and were close for so long have you thought about asking them? They may not be aware of how much you need them.

Whatever the case may be, concentrate on the friends that are being supportive. It's true that at times like this you really do find out who your friends are. In my case I had a friend that I have known for over 10 years and I considered her a good friend but I didn't really appreciate her too much. I felt like she just annoyed me a lot, which makes me sound like a total jerk but it's true. Anyway, when I fell apart after my stbx left, she turned out to be a godsend! She turned out to be a better friend than I could have ever imagined. I don't know where I would be without her, probably hospitalized or dead (Gods honest truth). There isn't anything I wouldn't do for her now. I also had people who were just acquaintances suddenly become very good friends and offer amazing support. So you just never know where your support is going to come from. The last person you would think of may turn out to be your greatest supporter (maybe a new friend you'll meet) and the ones you counted on may flake on you. But it's their issues not you! You are not a pariah (had to look up the spelling too :)

We are here for you though. It's impossible for someone who has not gone through this to truly understand how we feel or to know the full impact it has on each of us. But we know and we'll be here for you. I have found so much comfort a support here and I'm sure you will too. Friends come in all different forms, so consider us your friends and we'll be here for you! You can count on that!

Hugs to you, hang in there sister.

I have a few close friends, but they are married with families of their own and your right it does make them question there own marriages. I tend to feel like I am a drain on them. So I am the one that not closes the door on them, just pulls it closed a little.

Hold tight to the ones that are supportive, and you have us!!

I feel alone out there also. But my rejection I am getting is from my own family. My mother is soo wrapped up in her own stuff she is too busy to even check on me! She told me one day that my complaining about the stbx is wearing "people" ie ...her down and that "people" are getting tired. She told me to either stay with him and live with it (dont talk anymore) or leave and shut up about it! Nice huh! I myself have 2 friends I have met just recently who have been my lifeline. One I met at a job interview and one I have been friends with for about 4 years. They have called me constantly and been willing to always be there for a late night call. When I was sick recently my girls brought me food. Where was my mother and sisters...No where!
I thank God every day for bringing those 2 wonderful spirits into my life. And of course this site! This site has provided me more strength and guidance than any therapist could!

I agree. I think people get really scared. And that's so crummy, because we are all feeling so alone and rejected. But it's also true you learn who really stands by you.

I have two sisters who rarely call me to see how we're doing. I'm not sure if they just think I'm fine, my kids are fine...I don't know what it is. So I call them occasionally, and let it go at that.

In the meantime, I have DS, and am trying to make new friends. I guess that's the best we can do.

Well, I wouldn't be too hard on people. It's true - yes - you will find real friends through this process, some you may not have known. But don't close the door on others. The problem is this: We have suffered a great loss, to us not unlike the death of our spouses and in some cases - not to make light of losing a spouse to death - it feels worse because we feel as if we should be able to change it, but we can't. People think you should be able to just accept and move on - but would they EVER say that to a widow? Likely not. And yes, it does make them question their own lives and marriages. I've even had people tell me they are envious in a way because they have thought about leaving their marriages and wonder what it would be like. You'll get support and advice from all factions - not just people that support you. Sometimes people say the oddest things to me that piss me off at first - but in the end, once I think it over, are actually pretty insightful. I've not had anyone question my motives now that I am "single." I've been pretty clear that I would never to do another woman what my exes OW has done to me - I think that's off the table. But I think it's a very odd reaction. Strangely enough, the husbands of my closest friends have been extraordinarily supportive.

Don't close the door on anyone. This is uncharted waters we are all sailing through, including them. They may not be there for you now - but perhaps they will play a different role as you move through your stages. And for me, I know I have not been there for other friends that went through this same thing and for that I am truly sorry - but I have learned an important life lesson, there is no question. People feel what they feel and you can't pull them out of it. You can only listen and be supportive.

And keep in mind that people on the other side always think how they would handle a situation. I myself said if my H ever cheated on me I would kick him to the curb - and I reacted in EXACTLY the opposite way.

So yes, focus on those who are giving you support today - but know that the others may enter back into your life at some point. People have different strengths, and helping you through the emotional part just may not be theirs. Hugs to you.

I think this site is so helpful because we are willing to listen to your pain and help you. Many friends are uncomfortable: they don't now what to say or do, they fear for their own marriages, or they just don't like hearing about unpleasant things. I'm sorry your friends have let you down. During a situation like this, you will find out who your true friends are.

Hang in there--keep talking to us.

Peace and hugs.

Most of my support system has been my sisters and they have been there for me. But one of my sisters quit being as supportive I think my situation made her think about what she would have to do if her husband did the same thing. She has always been a stay at home wife. I think it has truely scared her and she didn't want to have to think about something like this happening to her. So she just quit calling me. I have tried to get back in touch with one of my girlfriends and she just doesn't seem to be to interested in reconnecting with me. She has had some problems of her own but still a phone call to talk once in awhile doesn't seem like to much.

Thank you all for your insight. I guess I didn't realize how my marriage breaking up would affect those closest to me. I can only concentrate on how it's affecting my and the kids. But I can see how this is a SHOCK to everyone (including me) and how it might make them rethink their own marriage and how stable is it. I've tried to give advice to everyone I talk to. Be happy with what you have, if it's bad, make it better. Become the wife you want to be, not the wife you've become through bitterness and resentment. Let go of past hurts. And most of all, make sure you respect each other. Thanks to all who listen.

I have found that most people don't know what to say to me, so they avoid me or if they see me, they will small talk. I have decided to try not to judge them on this because I am sure it is awkwards for them. I know we are feeling like we really need people...friends, relatives,... and we do, but I do not want to be around people that feel awkward or that feel like I am interested in their spouse. I have had several friends think I should just be over it now and stop crying and being sad and just go out and pretend I am in college again. I am not the one being the narcasistic asshole...he is and I am not going to get over quickly and I am not going to date...hell, I haven't even filed for divorce yet!

I think we need to confide in those we are comfortable with and just use DS and continue to struggle through this hell and eventually we will find ourselves. I am certain we will always remember who was our support system!

Hang in there and come here for support when you need it! Hugs to you!

MDawnR - I can't believe you used the word "narcasistic". My therapist told me my husband has a "narcasistic personality syndrome" where they are the most important person to themselves. To hear you say it gives me confirmation. Thanks for your words of support.

Well you just think about the situation and the recent past...everything is about building themselves up higher and higher. Mine's ego is scary! He actually became a bully to me...critisizing me for everything and even our son, but he is in a high powered job, making a lot of money, where he says everyone loves him! How else could someone up and leave their life and family with no remorse? Mine tells our son he doesn't miss me at all, he loves me but isn't in love with me, he only talks to me when he needs something, he doesn't give a shit how my day was....That has "Narcasistic Asshole" written all over it!!! Mid-life crisis is no longer a word I use...that is someone who wants a car...not someone who leaves their family and becomes a totally different person!!!!!
Hugs to you!!