Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
While I was separated from my ex and even for a while after our divorce, I had very few if any dreams of him. Lately, I keep having very vivid and upsetting dreams about him and his mistress/fiance. I don't really understand this because I feel as though I've really turned a corner and have been doing much better. Clearly, my subconscious mind disagrees.
When my ex and I were dating, he cheated on me. He told me over the phone how wonderful and pretty and smart this girl was that he wanted to be with. I still remember the terrible pain I felt during and after that phone call. Then, we got back together, married, had two children, and were seemingly happy for many years. Yet, at various times through our marriage, I had vivid dreams of him cheating on me and leaving me. I would wake up crying and have to calm myself before I could sleep again. He would always reassure me that he would never do that. And then he did. I believe now that those dreams, before our divorce, were warnings. They were my subconscious mind trying to get me to listen to that knowing inner voice that I kept ignoring. But, things are over now. He's marrying his mistress. I'm moving on as best I can and building a life for myself. Why, then, am I having these dreams now?
Just last night, the night before a big exam no less, I woke up crying because in my dream we were still together and I knew about his affair and kept trying to get him to recommit to our marriage. He told me in the same stone-faced manner he demonstrated when he kicked me out of our home that Paula (the woman he left me for) is better than me in every way. Of course, he went into detail that I will not share here, but you get the picture.
I have been under a lot of stress lately due to my class schedule, etc. But, I simply don't understand why these dreams are surfacing now. Has anyone else experienced this? Do these dreams eventually go away?
It makes it hard for me to maintain an attitude of gratitude and keep my proverbial chin up when I keep having these very intense, very real dreams. I know you have to just let the underlying feelings come and go. I'm not trying to suppress them. I just wish I understood why now? Why after all this time and when I'm finally feeling stronger and better about my life?
I hope this is just yet another phase in my recovery that will soon pass. If not, I guess I'll be stocking up on coffee. :)
When my ex and I were dating, he cheated on me. He told me over the phone how wonderful and pretty and smart this girl was that he wanted to be with. I still remember the terrible pain I felt during and after that phone call. Then, we got back together, married, had two children, and were seemingly happy for many years. Yet, at various times through our marriage, I had vivid dreams of him cheating on me and leaving me. I would wake up crying and have to calm myself before I could sleep again. He would always reassure me that he would never do that. And then he did. I believe now that those dreams, before our divorce, were warnings. They were my subconscious mind trying to get me to listen to that knowing inner voice that I kept ignoring. But, things are over now. He's marrying his mistress. I'm moving on as best I can and building a life for myself. Why, then, am I having these dreams now?
Just last night, the night before a big exam no less, I woke up crying because in my dream we were still together and I knew about his affair and kept trying to get him to recommit to our marriage. He told me in the same stone-faced manner he demonstrated when he kicked me out of our home that Paula (the woman he left me for) is better than me in every way. Of course, he went into detail that I will not share here, but you get the picture.
I have been under a lot of stress lately due to my class schedule, etc. But, I simply don't understand why these dreams are surfacing now. Has anyone else experienced this? Do these dreams eventually go away?
It makes it hard for me to maintain an attitude of gratitude and keep my proverbial chin up when I keep having these very intense, very real dreams. I know you have to just let the underlying feelings come and go. I'm not trying to suppress them. I just wish I understood why now? Why after all this time and when I'm finally feeling stronger and better about my life?
I hope this is just yet another phase in my recovery that will soon pass. If not, I guess I'll be stocking up on coffee. :)
It takes time, and distance and some personal growth and work. I am huge on telling myself mentally, to not think of him.. and I seldom do, but I am 5 years plus divorced. That helps... I did that conscious not think of him early on in the divorce, it works sometimes and not others. AND I have no contact. Ever. We had no kids. You know you are in a good place when your BF or SO as I have wakes up and tells you about a dream he had about his ex!
You made me smile.. mistress/fiancee? Is that not an oxymoron? OR an excuse..e
Check on some information about good sleep habits and how to get a good nights sleep. I have found for me, I need the room really dark at night. I even covered the video screen on my internet radio on my nightstand this week, it was really bright.. and I listen to the radio to fall asleep sometimes! Best to you! Time does heal a lot of things in divorce... mostly you!
They are just part of our journey I guess
Sure, our CONSCIOUS brain often can't make sense of the crazy connections and scenarios that play out in our dreams, but - in terms of 'troubling' issues - just accepting that it's part of a natural and healing process will help you...I hope!
My dreams were extremely intense when we first split - same thing as you, dreaming of him and her together, waking crying etc. Thank GOD that's over! I still have the odd dream involving him, but I'm nowhere near as troubled by it. After all, we spent almost 30 years together....there's some 'hard-wiring' there that may never completely be re-wired! I accept this.
Give yourself a break - don't be upset about it! Try to 'sweep' thoughts of him away during the day (there is a technique I like for this - pm me if you want more info) and try to have a peaceful night-time ritual you repeat every night to give yourself a 'good' start to your rest.
You said it yourself - you're under stress right now! Stress always brings up worries and anxieties. Get some exercise during the day - fresh air, a simple walk and a little positive mantra repeated to yourself (I like this one: "I have everything I need this day" ) is always good!
This too shall pass sister - BEST!
Kind regards,
Kim
I think your dreams are telling you that he did a really good job on you when he said those words - terrible untrue and nasty, vindictive words which were designed to hurt and to hurt you very deeply. The dream is telling you that it's still working, and it's time to do something about that.
Do you have a therapist, Kim? I think it'd be a good idea to see him/her and get some help to get those words out of your head and replace them with more real and loving ones. You could begin by making up your own affirmation eg "I am enough. I am capable, pretty (no lie - I think your photo shows this plainly), strong, smart and perfect in every way" When you get up in the morning, look yourself in the eye in the mirror and tell yourself "I love and approve of you". Whenever your ex's mean words come into your sphere of thought, ignore them and repeat your own affirmation of excellence. This doesn't work immediately but it does start to help straight away. The more you do it, the better it works. Once you do the affirmation, put all thoughts of your ex out of your head and focus on something else.
I played meditation and relaxing cds as I went to sleep for about 4 years before I could go off to sleep by myself without them.
Exercise, eating well, taking care of yourself spiritually, doing everything you can to take care of you all help.
One day at a time, one moment at a time.
love and hugs
kamary
Thank you so much for your kindness and your words of encouragement. I did work with a therapist for quite a while. I have since moved and have not yet found someone I click with. I will try your suggestion about daily affirmations. Thank you. I sincerely appreciate your compliment as well. It goes a long way toward undoing the damage done by my ex. I think you are right, there are still things I need to sort out. I guess the dreams are just a very vivid way of reminding me.
You are very kind, and I sincerely appreciate your advice and comfort.
All the best to you, my friend.
Kim
After this 2nd divorce I was so hurt and angry my dreams were full of revengeful acts...I did things in my dreams that I would never do in real life...but...it was like purging a pressure cooker...I was letting out the steam. The beauty of it all is..its like a cartoon..Coyote and the Roadrunner...I could drop a safe on my ex's head and no one gets hurt. Ya gotta love that.
Dreams are glimpses into our living lives. They can be upsetting but do not take them literally. Its like going to a gym to work off steam or get into shape...dreams are a gym for the subconscious....the key to dreams is to take a good look at the symbolizes and emotions brought up..not the actual happenings. Just my thoughts. Personally...I welcome dreams that cause me intense emotions...they usually are a sign of unfinished emotional business within myself...its an indication to take another look at an issue...Big Hugs...Kathy
Last night I dreamed that my neighbor was in my back lot, and that my 2nd garage and woods were on fire, and he was telling me to call 911. I could not find my cell phone! I woke up with my heart pounding really thinking where is my phone.. so much for my no dream sleep!
I have some things going on.. I love not dreaming! Much better! ((HUGS))