You mean emancipated. That's where you go to court and acknowledge that you are not responsible for your son any more.That he will be on his own and can legally do things without his parents permission. Your son is already 18 and would be considered legally grown. Unless your ex is legally obligated to be paying support or college fees. If so that will let him off the hook or give him reason to go back to court to stop whatever support he is giving your 18 year old. My daughter emancipated her 17 year old daughter thinking that would let her go into the Marines early. Didn't work. That child is not ready to go into any armed services,

I can see where every other week would be a little frustrating for your younger son. But if the ex won't work with you on this that is what it may have to be. He might have a point though. If your son needs an incentive that would be a good one to get rid of some of his bad behavior.

Google emancipation of a minor. Your son is already 18 so unless your divorce states that your ex pays school fees or support past 18 I don't understand why he would or could have your older son emancipated. You would know the reason why he wants to do this once you read up on emancipation

OK, I am very confused. Emancipation is for minors, not 18 year-olds. He is considered an adult already at school. This leads me to believe there is something in your divorce decree that stipulates the ex pay for college or that your son won't graduate from high school until the end of this school year. I'm sure he would like to have no legal responsibility to your son.

Second, living arrangements for your younger son should always be decided on the basis of what is best for him, not on some consequence forbad behavior. You can find many other things to affect behavior. This was a main point in the parenting class. Don't make the kid go frequently from one house the other. It would be very disruptive. Good luck!

My kids were 18 and 16, with the 18 year old on her way out to college. When my ex moved out, he was living on friends couch and in Motels until he could find himself a place to live. My son stayed with me during that period full-time, but he asked me how will we do this, how often will he he have to switch from one place to another, wondering about things like shuffling his stuff from place to place. I told him we would figure it all out as soon as his Dad gets a place. We all assumed his Dad would want him part time.

Well, not only did his Dad never tell us until months later after that the fact, that he had moved into an apartment, he also never asked to share in having his Son. He lives in the same town. When my son found out, he was devasted. During our 20 plus year marriage he has always been a wonderful father. I give credit to us both in the way our kids turned out, but in the last 3 years I have been their only parent.

I think you have to try and do what is best for your son. When my ex decided to step away from his responsibility as a parent, I stepped up. What both my kids, even my 18 year old, needed most, was stability and a home and I made sure they still had that with me. My son is an adult by now, but neither kids have any contact with their Dad.

It's true. Most formerly "involved, great" fathers walk out not only on us, the wives, but also on their kids. They somehow rationalize that the kids are old enough, are independent, and no longer need a dad in their life. That has to be one of the most hurtful aspects of the mid-life divorce.The selfishness of this speaks volumes. Adolescence and young adulthood becomes a scary place because the foundation has been severely shaken. My ex husand moved 3000 miles away, leaving behind 16, 17 and 19 year old daughters. My experience has been that if you, the remaining parent can be strong, and stable, providing a sense of security, the children will be okay. And over time, even the relationship with the dad may improve. One thing I've seen is that daughters seem able to re-establish relationship easier than sons. Many of my friends have sons, or a daughter and son, and we have all noticed this trend.

Dear Kimank,

Good morning. It's obvious you care about your son and divorce and its impact on everyone - including the kids is a rollercoaster ride as you know.

The first thing I think you should do is affirm what your goal is -- to assist your son as successfully as possible to launch into life (hard to do isn't it when they're 15! it's survival half of the time). This mind set has helped me over the past 2 year with the rebellion, tough situations that I had to discuss with my ex over finances and his agreements, and even now to deal with reality that their father has never requested they visit him (despite the custody arrangment) and moved to another country. My goal in launching the is for them to have goals they are working toward, to be able to problem solve, to deal with reality but look and work toward a future, and to be caring individuals (well it does come back but I thinks something happens between the ages of 15 or 16 and 18... it does come back!).

I am also not sure if your son has had any type of support to deal with his feelings on the divorce. My daughter in particular - as she moved through her rebellion-- would be resentful when her dad would talk around her to me instread of directly to her. She also (and still at 19 fully hasn't) dealt with the feelings she has of being left (as he moved across the country and now overseas and his contact is now to one time a month or every few months at best).... Over time - I know she'll either address them or not but she's old enough now that I know she's gaining skills to eventually hopefully do this and I can't solve it for her.

Actually, through his rebellion (I'm not sure the extent of this) may be that of typical 15 year olds. My son when through locking himself in his room and the PA verbal abuse the first summer after we filed and his dad moved away. Whew -- I had to keep my consequences to my home and problem solve them on my own as we in no way were co-parenting my ex had disengaged and was just dealing with his convenience in life. I learned to do all sorts of things (and found a good parenting sounding board--friends with teen parents) I did have to pop his door off , etc. And then also gave us a break through having him spend a good 2-3 weeks with a relative which was so healthy.

Moodiness, verbal abuse - cursing can occur. And I'm not sure what your son says -- it sounds like a little anger and angst. I'm not if what he's telling you (he would like a different arrangement because of the impact of moving his things week to week) he is also telling his dad or that you are the one in the middle. The kids are often uncomfortable knowing or even depsite all speaking about these types of emotions to the other parent. He may already realize this. In some types of situations with joint custody - minimal things have to be transported between environments.

I think having to earn a custody arrangement for behavior would have backfired on my children as a tool for behavior managment. For them it would have added to the confusion or emotional significance they had for being important for either parent to want to spend sustained time with them.....

What is the cause of the behavior--- or the needs that are being misdirected. If counseling for your son or family counseling aren't possible -- (my kids wouldn't go to counseling) I went and problem solved parenting options. It sounds from your message that there is even much more your son has to deal with -- a girlfriend for your ex in the home. Living at dad's home involves negotiating a relationship not just with dad but with another person as well. The support I recieved in counseling was great -- and really helped.

I really think that your son has a call out for help here and I know how hard the emotional entaglement is when the behaviors you need to address are so out in front - in your face and volatile. I don't want it to appear as if there weren't (and are) a set of boundaries, expectations, and consequences in my home (there are). But it took a while to get to the place where restabishing these boundaries along with having them deal with their feelings so our communication was more effective and our relationship sustained. Frankly - I could have shipped them off to an artic pole I don't how many times!!

Is your 18 year old a high school student or graduate. Our custody ends with child support (my ex no longer pays child support for my daughter as of the last day of her high school). The agreement does include that each of us pay 1/3 toward the cost of in-state college tuition - but that is not tied with custody. Custody It is tied with potentially claiming a child as a tax exemption.

Have you recently revisited your divorce decree and the stipulations for child support, arrangements, etc. so you are in charge. I sense and I may be off -- that this is a situation where your ex seems to be influencing based on his interpretation of information. Your goal I sense is to be a parent and advocate to help your son launch into life successfully through and past adolescence.

I am not a lawyer - I would think if there is a viable reason your son has regarding the arrangements - that this can be discussed in some way- temporary trials, etc. I would also think that support from a counselor (even if you see one) regarding the emotional/behavioral needs would help in the decision-making.

My kids love their dad - sadly they don't know how to interact anymore and don't initiate contact as they have no consistent contact and haven't seen him in over a year. There is nothing I can do for this. (His choice and his loss). Each of our situations is different but I think we learn things from each other along the way that may be helpful or just validate their feelings.

Hugs to you.

This is so devastating for the kids. It seems to me that your ex resisting your son's request is sending the message to your son that he isn't valuable and cherished, loved. This leaves them raw. I liken it to a skinned cat. The outbursts, the challenges, the demands hurled with the excruciating pain of feeling rejected by one of their parents - is a desperate cry to know they are loved and valued. It is a horrible realization they have to deal with - when it becomes apparent that one of their parents is either not capable or unwilling to be a parent.

I would try to teach my kids to equip them with tools, emotional tools, to weather this realization - and they would be so angry with me and tell me to quit making excuses for him.

Also, counseling would be great . . but our teenagers are, for the most part, resistant to that thought and unless they are wiling, it doesn't work. I would have to 'force' my children to a counselor. Forcing them would make their defensive walls even thicker. At this point, my goal is to create consistency and safety for them. Life will repeatedly give them opportunities to heal from this and I hope it isn't hard lessons that require them to work through this.

My daughter is very clingy to me right now . . . . I have to be careful that I don't allow myself to not take care of me in this process. Kind of a fine line here.

What a terrible situation for your sons in particular your youngest son. What does he say about not being able to havae any choice in his living situation? As a 15 year old, he is dealing with his own hormonal stuff on top of his father's attitude. I know it is hard but try really hard not to take your son's behaviour personnally. Go back to the techniques you used when he was a two year old: it is his behaviour that is driving you nuts not him. It sounds like your son wants to have his father in his life. Did he have a good relationship with him before he left? Perhaps he is feeling left behind again because of the GF. what does he say about the switching? Since the month on and month off won't work, what other options would he consider or can he even articulate his feelings?
This is not the life we wanted for our children but it is their new reality. We all have to try to figure this out with or without the other parent's help. It is so hard but not impossible.
In terms of your olders son, he is adult and he can determine when he wants to see his father. His father still has a financial obligation for him. Emancipation, at least in Canada, simply allows the child to live where he/she wants, it does not end parental finacial support.

My 18 yr. old graduates this year. He does not get along with his dad when they live together. My ex has been abusive to him too. So my ex. wants to know if he will start to spend time living there too or he will not be responsible for him at all, financially, it sounds. Thats when he brought up emancipation. Right now I get some child support for both and it was based on the idea that both would spend relatively equal time with each of us. Also right now, I have extra costs that i hadn't anticpated as my older son is here 95% of the time. Because of this, I asked for help from his dad on a hospital bill for my son and he did pay it but i think by emancipating him, he feels he will not have to even consider doing this again. And he will not have to possibly give me more support since my 18 yr. old mostly stays here. This is the definition for NY: "According to caselaw, in the State of New York "emancipation" has been defined as the renunciation of parental rights to a child." As for my 15 yr. old, he feels hurt that his dad will not even consider his needs in the living arrangements. My ex was never abusive to my younger son but it has changed somewhat now that me or my other son are not there. He has pushed him a couple times, made fun of him and been quite controlling. My son would prefer to mostly live with me but does not want to hurt his dad. Their dad wants to be a part of their lives but his controlling and abusive ways makes it hard on the boys. Of course my ex says it's because I have poisoned them and made them not like him. Unfortunately, no chance of my son agreeing to go to counseling at this point. Thanks for everyones input and advise...much appreciated!

I'm so sorry you all are having to go thru this. Yes, it sounds like your ex is trying to control all of you by trying to cut off the support. I hope you are able to get some counseling and will be able to help your boys deal with this. you might want to go back to your atty. and see what can be done. You all deserve better than this.(((HUGS)))

Well, I guess I'm somewhat surprised to hear about a teenager going between the houses. I've been separated (now divorced) for 6 mths. My 16 yr old daughter has not spent 1 day with her dad and I am sure she will not spend one nite with her day. He was a bad parent for many years prior to the separation and has not stepped up to the plate much since he left. Feel he abandoned the kids prior to abandoning the marriage. Way I see it, its his loss.

Shame on your ex for not wanting his son. Just tell your son he is welcome to stay with you and give him the love that he needs. Unfortunately, sometimes people aren't meant to be parents and cannot seem to be the person their kids need them to be. That has got to be very tough for them.

I would strongly advocate for getting or supporting some of these issues related to parenting with a counselor. My ex was very controlling and narcisstic. Would suggest things. It really (even though the kids weren't with me) through talking through things with my counselor that it helped me additionally problem solve wiht possiblities. I think even if counseling isn't possible for you -- a Divorce Care Group or other group can help you. If your son is experiencing negative abuse from his dad -- this is a particularly vulnerable stage for him in his emotional growth and self-esteem. It shouldn't be ignored -- there are too many tugs and pulls. The nonsense about you poisoning your child is just that nonsense. He's trying to get you to second guess yourself and doubt your skills, capacities and wise judgment. Don't go there. I'd have to journal early on and debrief on these instances. A good friend and my therapist at times would hold up the mirror -- we'd run through the scenario and I'd see just how ridiculous the suggestions were. Lord knows I never bad mouthed -- and to this day have held my tongue in terms of judgemental comments. I acknowledge feelings - and I have learned to let them know what I can and can't address in their relationship with their dad.

I think your son needs some options too. He should know that if things get too tough, there are folks (outside of his parents) he can talk to. During the mutiny in my house -- I used back door supports. I spoke with the school counselor and principal and just let them know that there were some tough things going on and I would appreciate any information or support if things were noticed. I also let them know I had seen some changes at home and was concerned about the lack of peer relationships and ability to have a consistent adult male role model (my situation a bit different as the ex high tailed it out at the first opportunity). Oh my-- they were wonderful. I didn't talk largely or much about the divorce - but the background didn't excuse my son's behavior-- it just helped folks connect with him. Senior year now -- you wouldn't know the same kid as a sophomore. One to two more people to care about my son as a person -- was so valuable. It wasn't overnight - but it helped.

From my vantage - it sounds as if your husband is seeking to find a way to financially ameliorate his situation through driving the kids away. (Mine still hasn't coughed up the college funds... setting up the usual PA issue , naturally my daughter worried as tuition is due next week). They do this - in a cowardly self-preserving way. Get yourself some perspective and support to find your boundaries, help your son find the supports he needs, if there is abuse -- absolutely get legal counsel -- and surround yourself with some folks who are parenting teenagers or who have weathered custody issue. I know that is why you are here too. My heart is with you.

I get a sense the ex is trying to yank your chain. Arm yourself with information - and supports. He's blowing hard.

thanks. i have talked with school so they can help too.