Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

What I've learned about "feeling the pai

caligirl92354
caligirl92354
While I was going through my separation and divorce, I too felt the intensely life-suffocating pain of being betrayed and losing a marriage. There were times when it was more than I could bear. And those of you that followed my journey with me, remember those awful times and gave me help and support. I know many of you are currently in or just coming out of this HUGE grief in your life. And I remember people telling me to "feel the pain" and sometimes, I just didn't think I had it in me to go through it. I wanted to go AROUND it and then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. I persevered and I am forever grateful.

I just finished Shania Twain's book on her life and her husband & best friend's betrayal of her. And I'm also watching her journey on OWN. Very powerful, especially being on the other side, so to speak. Many of her thoughts I have had.

As I was finishing her book last night this popped out to me so I am sharing it for those of you still in the middle of this awful, emotional up and down swinging part of your divorce.

She writes that she went to see someone on how to deal with her pain. She writes "I was exhausted from anger, sleeplessness, confusion, disappointment, and sadness, and that I would settle for a feeling of indifference, as I figured that at least this would give me peace." But he explained, "YOU MIGHT DEFLECT SOME OF THE INEVITALE PAIN OF LIFE, BUT YOU WILL ALSO MISS OUT ON ITS ABUNDANT PLEASURES".

I just wanted to say that I totally agree with this. If you are patient, and suffer through the pain and read and work through it through prayer, counseling, talking here on DS, journaling, etc, you will have "abundant pleasures" beyond what you thought possible. But don't rush it! Healing from grief cannot be rushed. You are on a journey. Learn, heal, cry, share, and do what it takes to find your journey to healing.

She again says", I didn't harden my heart. I left myself open to inevitability of logic, that eventually the fruit would ripen and when it did, I would have my juicy taste of what possible good might come out of all my pain. If I had not had faith in the wise keepsake shared with me that day, I might have shut myself off."

I just want to encourage everyone on this journey. I found that the more you feel and experience and share and learn, the sooner the journey comes to an end, but it still is a journey.

Hugs to all.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hear Hear. The only way out is through.
CowgirlKathi
CowgirlKathi
Caligirl, thanks so much for this post! I do my best here on DS to share MY personal experience of the pain and agony of unexpected divorce and always tell the folks here IT IS A PROCESS and it really can't be rushed.

It seems the longer the marriage, the deeper the pain and the longer and harder it is to PURGE it all from your system. Lucky for me, I had an amazing therapist, a terrific attorney and a deep faith that got me through it. Having a support group like here on DS would have been the icing on my cake; but as everyone knows, I didn't have a clue that such a site existed until more than a year AFTER my divorce was final.

Thanks again, Caligirl, for your continued input and support to all who come here!
JaMama
JaMama
I didn't know what feel the pain meant.

I had been shut down for years in an oppressive marriage. Trying not to feel the pain for so long, I was not in touch with my feelings. So to allow myself to feel any of the feelings associated with the divorce was excruciating.

The advice and encouragement I received here and the grace of God helped me to trust that I wouldn't disappear. In truth, I have begun to appear.
TrappedinAL
TrappedinAL
Your post genuinely struck a chord with me. Being in the midst of it myself at the moment, I’m still pondering the words you wrote. Just wanted to say thanks.
Timeman
Timeman
Thank you.
TM
sfsoccermom
sfsoccermom
Caligirl, I couldn't agree more with your post. I, myself, had tried to avoid the pain for so long, and it just prolonged my suffering, even in my marriage. Now that I have finally decided to face it head-on, I am starting to heal. It's been a long road, not an easy one, but I can say I am much stronger and happier overall than before. Life does go on, and you must go through each and every phase to get to the other side.

Thanks........
VectorForward
VectorForward
I too want to add my thanks for your post. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain I'm currently suffering....the depth and breathe of it. JaMama's post also struck a cord....a feeling that I don't exist or will disappear.

I so appreciate the posts from those who have made new happy lives for themselves and now take the time to give words of encouragement to us who are currently in the midst of an unexpected divorce. Thanks.
dairytech
dairytech
This is a very true posting. Having been through it twice now...I also learned the only way to get to the other side with your heart in tact and open...is to go straight through the pain. You need to feel it..accept it...and then let it go. It comes in waves but each wave seems to get smaller...but...every once in a while you get a tsunami. Its the 2 steps forward and one step back thing. You pick yourself up...take a look around and count your blessings and carry on. I owe this group so much...having this forum is one of my biggest supports through this second divorce. I had a very hard time dealing with being rejected by the same man twice. After almost 2 years of healing...life is getting so much better. Thank you so much for this post...Big Hugs...Kathy
yorkieluvr
yorkieluvr
JaMama - I can so relate to that numbness...being shut down..and I didn't even really realize it. It was easier just to ignore the pain. It was comfortable.. like the old bathrobe. I'm still in the very early stages of trying to turn my feelings "back on" - seems the only ones that have reared their ugly heads so far are pain and depression. Once in a while I get a sneak peak at that light at the end of the tunnel. I'm trying to remember that happy, smiling 20 yr old that got married way too young (and stupid). I liked her... she was fun...I want her back. But I know it's going to take time and work. And hopefully with a lot more years of wisdom, she can make better decisions in the future!!
cwalla
cwalla
Thank you for sharing...what an inspiration you are! ((HUGS))
deleted_user
deleted_user
I used to say I wouldn't go back to the pain of being in my 20s or 30s or 40s for anything in the world. I think I would now. I seem to remember there was great joy mixed up with the great pain.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I appreciate the post and the journeys people are sharing. I think the pain I feel now is a little different - maybe the ability to realize that feeling what I feel now is not the gut wrenching pain felt earlier but twinges of sadness that sneak up on me. I have a different kind of tears now - that a friend explained are what is helping me wash my soul.. It's nearly two years out... but letting the tears happen when those twinges pop up are what I'm learning to learn from. It's not as all consuming as it was. And - it's part of living (I'm a kind of "feeling" type person). Very soon my youngest will be off to college. I expect that they'll be some wonderful feelings and then naturally more loss. Twinges sometimes come back about what might have been (but it wasn't destined to be in my former marriage). Moving forward is a good thing.
KRKing911
KRKing911
Lots of us are in so much pain right now. This is a great post to remind us how important it is to go through it to get over it. Together, we can do it and we WILL all have happier, healthier futures :) Thanks for sharing.
Lauren9
Lauren9
Many years ago before the divorce my x threaten to leave me. At two in the morning I called a help support line and spoke to an angle who taught me the only way to deal with the pain is to go through it. Her exact words were "the only way out is through", I never forgot her words and used them during the divorce and am still using them to this very day. Thank you for the confirmation and reminder.

Hugs.
tryn2bhappy
tryn2bhappy
thank you.. good post for today