Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I was married for 22 yrs and my husband just served me divorce papers last week. After 1 1/2 yr seperated he finally did it. I was waiting for him to do and he did. My question now. What are the chances of us comparing them to the next man that enters our life? I am seeing someone that I must understand is totally different from my stbx. We have had some quarrels because he says or does things that i am not use to. i find myself saying things like "my husband never did that to me or ever said that to me" and he will say things like "I am not your husband and he might not have done or said what i do and say but where is he now? look what he did to you and i get upset. Is anyone going through this and how can I handle this? I dont want to mess up my chances of having a good relationship with some man some day cause i am busy comparing the two. I keep saying my ex cheated, lied, pretended and look what he did to me at the end. Why am i making somebody else pay for his crap?
A year and a half is not much time when you were married for 22 years. If you feel ready to date than date but if you are still feeling hurt and angry over what your ex did than maybe you are not ready for a serious relationship right now but it will come. All of my friends and family keep telling me to get out and meet someone else because this will make me feel better. They tell me to get on match.com or eharmony but why? I know for myself I am not ready I still cry and feel angry, rejected, abandoned, and simply thrown away. Why would I put that on another man who could be really great. I have to see all the wonderful things in myself first, before I can expect someone else too.
I will keep good thoughts for you.
Sending you Hugs:)
Disney..............
The primary reason that I was able to move into my new relationship 6 months AFTER my divorce from Hell was final, was because I spent a FULL TWO YEARS in intensive THERAPY -- I'm talking a minimum of ONE SESSION PER WEEK and SOMETIMES TWO SESSIONS-- from August 2005 through September 2007. Call her a wizard if you want, but my therapist was so good, she absolutely turned my self-esteem around and got me to the place I needed to be in terms of understanding all the things that had made my marriage toxic and which ultimately lead to its demise.
Tom had also been married for 25 years and his marriage ended badly, although under totally different circumstances than mine did. He had also worked long and hard with a therapist and learned his lessons well.
We BOTH understand that we are all PRODUCTS OF OUR CONDITIONING and keep that in the front of our minds at all times. It takes a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to be aware that we tend to act out of that conditioning in times of stress and/or duress. We also KNOW that there is so much power in words and the way they are spoken that we must constantly be mindful of what is flying out of our mouths!
So far, we have had a couple of disagreements, but none that have ever escalated into a battle of wills, or a shouting match. When something comes up, we both STOP and THINK ABOUT IT. We are able to look at it for what it really is. Then we SIT DOWN AND TALK ABOUT IT. So far, this has worked well for our new relationship.
The "honeymoon" is definitely over after 4 years together, but our respect for each other has grown by leaps and bounds. The MOST IMPORTANT THING I HAVE LEARNED is the need for SETTING AND KEEPING BOUNDARIES. I let the X walk all over me in many ways because I was afraid if I stood up, he would ABANDON ME. I no longer have that constant fear of abandonment because I have learned that it would be MUCH BETTER TO BE ALONE than with someone who doesn't respect me!
I am chuckling over your response because of all the "fix-ups" you talk about. The LAST THING I wanted to do when I became suddenly single again was go out with someone I DIDN'T want to go out with in high school (and there seemed to be an excess of "recycled men" from my high school graduating class at the same time I was getting divorced!) And, fortunately, none of my friends have "recycled" brothers!
My horizons were broad -- I grew up in a fairly tight-knit community where everybody knows everybody's business -- something I have NEVER been fond of. With the transformation I went through in my divorce, I knew that NO ONE could come close to "choosing" a suitable match for me other than me. You will find the same thing to be true of you WHEN YOU ARE READY!
Best of luck! And SET YOUR SIGHTS HIGH!
I am chuckling over your response because of all the "fix-ups" you talk about. The LAST THING I wanted to do when I became suddenly single again was go out with someone I DIDN'T want to go out with in high school (and there seemed to be an excess of "recycled men" from my high school graduating class at the same time I was getting divorced!) And, fortunately, none of my friends have "recycled" brothers!
My horizons were broad -- I grew up in a fairly tight-knit community where everybody knows everybody's business -- something I have NEVER been fond of. With the transformation I went through in my divorce, I knew that NO ONE could come close to "choosing" a suitable match for me other than me. You will find the same thing to be true of you WHEN YOU ARE READY!
Best of luck! And SET YOUR SIGHTS HIGH!
Lynne
I was married all my adult life, so I never really learned what my needs are and how to fulfill those needs.
I'm working with a therapist, and, as Kathi says, the therapist is helping me win back my self-esteem, so I can make choices that are right for me.
((hugs))