That is unbelievably self centered of him! And of course, his feigned concern impressed the BIL because he probably doesn't see the problem.! Oh, heavens. I'm glad you are able to laugh, though. And the best thing is he isn't your problem :) That is worth a big smile right there! But I am sad that your sons were ignored. Once the novelty of their marriage wears off, he will be ignoring her kids as he moves on to his new target for attention. Hugs!

I commend you for taking leave and NOT giving him the audience he so obviously wanted. IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. My guess is, he latched onto this new woman in a futile attempt to find "happiness" and believe me, it will be fleeting once the bloom is off the rose.

It is unfortunate that he obviously is putting his OWN sons in second place, but he is who he is. Your sons will figure it out on their own and your X will be the only one to live to regret it. Let it go. It's not in your power to change any of this; just keep your faith in yourself and in your God. Something Wonderful Will Happen for YOU -- I guarantee it!

UNBELIEVABLE.....simply UNBELIEVABLE....sounds like you handled it well....no ...incredibly well. All I can say is marry in haste....repent in leisure... and yes, your boys most definitely will figure this out and be better for it in the long run! Hugs and love going your way!

OMG! Be glad he didn't ask you to cook for his wedding dinner. AND take no offense any of you with kids, but seriously, he married a woman with 4 LITTLE boys, which is how I read that if they came along to eat.. and is your BIL the brother in law and is with your MIL mother in law. I am sure he. the BIL meant well to call and see how you are.. no matter what, these are your son's relatives and I bet his family were as surprized as the rest of you!They sound like nice people and that is hard part for you.

I really admire you, for you are under some strain in your life, and then to have this happen. Leaving was good move and I hope you are all right. Often when this type of thing comes up with an ex, we deal with it, but it still bites.. and the ex.. why in the heck do so many of these exes get remarried so fast.. oh, yeh, because they are big infants and they are so lonely..! AND it is easier to begin with someone else, someone who doesn't know the real man yet! HUG HUGS

Haha. I knew you guys would have unique ways of expressing what I felt. "New target, the bloom off the rose, repent in leisure and big infants." You guys came up with some good ones. I got my chuckle for the day!! Thanks everyone!

You are so better off. Can you imagine being her and spending her mother's day with his family and ex? What a jerk.

I bet that he was fuming when you just upped and left. He wanted to see you miserable. You did not give him the satisfaction of it. Way to go girl. Head up high and smile.

Its so weird. The person that leaves and moves on just dosnt seem to be able to understand the devastation they leave behind. They seem to think that those of us that were left behind should just move on the way they have. They dont feel the pain therefore it just dosnt exist. Unless someones been through it they just cant relate. I think this could be the way it is for our ex's that left us. Your ex probably has no idea how him dropping in effected you...nor would he understand. I think you dealt with it very well. Sometimes all ya can do is shake your head and wonder...what the hell. Big Hugs...kathy

Yes, Kathy, that is so true. They have no idea or they just don't care. Also thank you so much for the post on the other discussion (the one about the stages). The triggers get me all the time. I think I am doing great and here comes a trigger. I hate it. Thanks, Diane

For me...I choose to believe they behave this way out of ignorance...that way they have my pity. I can live with that. If it was done on purpose...that would be just plain mean and I would have a harder time accepting that...especially since we gave them such a larger portion of our lives and we are the mothers of there children. That would bring up different not so good emotions.

I also am still dealing with triggers...that posting really helped me. It forewarned me that it could happen so I was able to brace myself. It helped me move through it easier. Knowledge is the key to so many things. Big Hugs...Kathy

drtexdi--Your story is even more aggravating than mine this week--not that this is a contest.
Actually, if this was a contest, I'm sure none of us would want to win the "How f***ing* stupid can my ex or stbx be?!?"
Do these nitwits have a book they are copying these outrageous behaviors out of??!!
Congrats and BIG HUGS to you for walking out. I'm proud of you and I admire you for figuring out the healthiest way to handle this mess, and proceeding to follow through.
I hope this will not be a trigger for you, but I want you to know I'm here for you and I understand.
((HUGS))

dairytech and drtexdi - It is POSSIBLE that the X's just "don't get it" but my guess is, IF they were manipulative in the marriage, that behavior will be on-going. You know what I mean, pulling those well-pointed barbs when you least expect it. It's all about self-centeredness and Narcissistic tendencies.

And dairytech, I NEVER want to feel pity for my X. My therapist helped me get over that hurdle because when someone is capable of evoking your pity, you are weakened. Instead of pity, I think of my X as being PATHETIC -- he's still unhappy and chances are, he always will be -- because HE is the one who has some serious internal work to do. But will he do it? Probably not. He's NOT STUPID, either. Therefore, I find him pathetic.

dairytech: You also wrote "The person that leaves and moves on just dosnt seem to be able to understand the devastation they leave behind. They seem to think that those of us that were left behind should just move on the way they have. They dont feel the pain therefore it just dosnt exist."

My therapist (and lots of self-help books) call this phenomenon "compartmentalizing" -- in that, they KNOW the hurt they have put on you, but they are somehow able to put it in a little box deep down inside and simply act like nothing has happened. A Narcissist will never think twice about it because as long as you are not playing their game, your feelings mean absolutely nothing. And a sociopath is not capable of feeling remorse or real human emotions. It's those disordered personalities in between that do this compartmentalizing thing.

I would like to believe that sooner or later, it will all come back to haunt them and I'm sure it does from time to time. But you know what? All the acknowlegement and apologies in the UNIVERSE wouldn't change the way I feel about my X. Too little and way too late. He is the one who is suffering the consequences of HIS actions and HIS decisions. Chances are, he will continue to bulldoze his way through more unhealthy relationships until the other person calls it quits. He simply doesn't have a CLUE that the downfall is due to his inability to truly be in touch with any of his emotions and hence, no one else's either.

Here is the bottom line, you can spend years trying to figure out why someone does anything... and in the end, it doesn't matter, because you are not going to be able to control the outcome. As to exes admitting or acknowlegment of wrong doing or their part, if they did not do it before your divorce, not going to do now.. Who cares if they get what they deserve, or don't! Just more of your energy wasted on a ex. That is all it is.. and I hear all this but I have to figure out my part, why I put up with it etc. etc. All good, but after a few years, either get over it or let it consume you. Because it does for some, they never move on, they never can love again, they become angry vengeful and self righteous. If you do that, your ex is still controling you.. and he/she is not even there!

For all of you, do not spend any more time trying to figure out what they were..narcissist, abuser, socipath etc. These are all handles that people toss about, and the point is we put up with it, we contributed to it. Sometimes it is just simple. Most people who cheat, are just that cheaters. Most people that are self absorbed are just that, self absorbed. The bottom line is that we have to remove ourselves from trying to figure them out. Once you find your identity alone, seperate, you will be better for it. That takes time.

My therapist told me that when he works with people going through a divorce, if one is intent on finding out what was wrong with the other person.. it means that they have not matured enough to look at their behavior or own anything that they did, and will not move on. It is always the other person, never them. We can take this two ways.. is that you and how you react? Or is that the ex, and how he/she reacts?