It has been a total of 24 years of knowing my STBX. 17 of those years in marriage. It was the anniversary on June 7th. That morning I ask Jay questions as far as what he thought of our situation, what he thought of me, what was he thinking, what has been going through his mind. We talked and I cried and we hugged and he cried. We know this is something that has been needed for the last 12 or so years. It is just very hard for me emotionally. We drove to Letchworh Park and walked around. I had been very weepy the whole day.

I am scared, I am emotional, I have anxiety attacks when I wake up in the morning. I think of all the years that Jay's noise as he slept or he snored how it would really annoy me and now I think of those future days. I will be alone and for the first time in 19 years of sharing a bed, there will no longer be any sounds other than my own. I know that at some point I will reach over and find nothing but an empty spot. In my emotional state of uncertainty and sadness, I realize that even with his sounds, his snoring and his "man stank" that he was a reassurance that I was not alone.

I can not see what is in my future and I can not comprehend for any life changing major event that would be in my path. Maybe something happens and my life picks up and goes in a good direction. For now, I am scared. All I can see is emptiness and hurt and fear.
I was on my own once before for 13 years before meeting my husband. I got through it because I had too. Only what I had come from at that point was a relationship of only 2 years with a live in boyfriend. I was really young then and not quite experienced with the world. I was lonely though all those 13 years and always wanted to have what I saw in other couples. Happiness. This time the relationship has been more than 20 years. I know that I wall fall hard. I know that it is something that we both wanted but the letting go and moving on part is so much harder than I could have expected. I am scared.

It bothers me that I have become so emotional about all this when I have been hurt by his words for too long and this is something that I had wanted for years and I find out that he too wanted the divorce years ago but felt it was his duty and responsibility to stick it out. At the start of my late twenties, I started to have more confidence and I started being more in control of things in my life. I did accomplish a lot during my marriage with that feeling of confidence and control. Now I don't have control, at least I don't feel like I do.
I can be okay when I have distractions but many times I am an emotional wreck. There is a memory in every nook and cranny of my town, in the music and it is almost a curse that my memories are always so strong with any part of my life.
I have a counselor that I have seen 4 times so far. I am gaining new friendships. I am writing in a journal while not every day. I pray a lot and mostly when I am driving alone in my car. I do these things to possibly preserve my sanity. To prepare for the big storm of emotional anguish. Yet I feel so crippled. I have a brick wall in front of me.. Maybe it is not time for me to go through it. Maybe I still have some things i need to figure out. I am still scared and unsure of myself and my ability to be okay or to make it on my own. I wish I didn't feel this way. I am 50 years old, I lost over 100 pounds, I am a runner now, I travel a lot on my own. I still feel so lost. There have been so many changes in my life and this divorce is something that we both want. We will have an amicable divorce and work through it with the goal to still have a friendship on the other side. We will always be dependable for each other if the need ever arose. I guess i knew this would be a hard process, I just did not expect it to feel so debilitating.
I am dumbfounded by all the paperwork that I am barely able to figure out. i am overwhelmed by all the things that have accumulated in my life and having to downsize in some way to put it all in a 10 by 10 foot storage unit.


This would be so much easier to handle but there are more factors at play that show I am walking this road alone without the support of a close relative that would be my strength. She had a stroke a few years ago. Then there was an old classmate that started to come into my life last fall as I was getting my divorce underway. then he disappeared and I am left wondering why? Was he having stress because I was not legally divorced? Was his CFIDS illness interfering with his ability to have a normal relationship? Will he find me some time in the future when time has passed after the divorce and I have had time to get myself in better emotional shape? will he want to come back?

I have to wait and make sure that I did not just hold on to him out of fear of being alone. I have to make myself move on. I don't know how to do that right now. I am very emotional and feeling out of control, helpless. I want to be stronger, I really do.