Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Signed the papers to start the divorce with my whatever you want to call her (coward). Hopefully she will be served in the next few days because I'm ready with a broken heart to get this going. My family says good riddance about her but I still love her after 23yrs including her faults. I feel like she died.....
It will happen soon enough. If your heart is still "breaking" over this, it's a good sign that you NEED TIME to work out the emotional aspect of it. Trust me, it's going to be an emotional roller coaster and I hope you have a good counselor or therapist to help you through it.
Yes, divorce IS very much like a death. Unfortunately, people don't send sympathy cards or bring casseroles to the house. A lot of the time, you will be alone with your grief, but through that pain will come huge personal growth. If you haven't been to church in awhile, consider going back. Once I got back in touch with my spirituality, things started to go a whole lot better.
I will continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and keep your chin up, my friend!
It was my decision to give up on my marriage, after years of feeling unloved, I left. It didn't change the fact that I was extremely sad that my ex had decided not to be 'in' it and that the future I thought I had with my wonderful fiance were not going to happen. We grieve the loss of the whole picture and our dreams as much as we grieve the loss of the person we loved so much.
I am in total agreement with CK. A good counsellor would help you to navigate this more quickly and bring you out the other side in better shape than ever.
be kind to you
love and hugs
kamary
Yes, divorce is like a death, except we have to deal with the ex spouse, which is a constant reminder of how they hurt us. But believe me, it does get easier.
Sending hugs!
The ladies are giving great advice! I hope you are able to find a good counsellor- I am sure it will make the transition/healing much better.
Hugs
Cheryl
Hugs,
T.
Hugs,
T.
Two weeks ago, I sat with my neighbour who has also been married 23 years. We sat in the backyard of my house and drank a box of beer. We talked at length about our lives and he revealed to me that he too was not happy with his marriage. He as well has 3 children roughly around the same ages as yours. The youngest just movied out over 3 months ago. He told me that him and his wife grew apart. This did not happen overnight but over a long time. Now that the kids are self sufficient there was nothing left for him or his wife. Both are not happy and rarely speak together, they too sleep in seperate rooms and do everything in their power to avoid each other. Sad but true this is happening more and more. Traditional marriages are falling apart all over the world at startling rates. People just don't seem to stay together until death do us part anymore. During the 60's and 70's everyone on my street were married for the long hall. Divorce was a sign of weakness within the community so even if both spouses were unhappy they stuck it out to avoid being judged as failures. Today more than half that street would be divorced. Society has changed because people have no family time anymore. Both spouses are working and kids are being taken care of by daycare or relatives. Anyway 23 years by todays standards is pretty dam impressive. You have to find you again and you will Dude, Peace be with you
Unlike most families, we could have had that old-style life but my ex consistently chose to do things outside the home rather than with me and our children. I did the bookwork for our businesses from home and I was a stay-at-home mum. He always professed to love us, even as the divorce papers were being signed, but he would choose not to be with us. My ex decided he'd rather be at work and go to conferences or go on weekend bikerides than spend time at home. We could have had the old style family but he chose not to be a part of it.
After the divorce, I found out about his affairs.
Say no more.
Although my 20 years of marriage have been far from perfect and many years sexless, I could never cross the line. Not once did I have a desire to cheat on my wife, I always believed that as long as I was married the urge to seek out others was strictly forbidden. The ramifications far outweigh the benefits. When my wife and I do split, I still will not engage until I'm ready. Me time will be far more important.
It appears to me that couples do the hard yards and just when they are on the prepafice of basking in the fruits, it all turns sour. I sometimes believe, for some couples, not all, that there is a transitional period for both individuals, and doesn't it make sense that there would be, after pursuing the same goal for 20-30 years. It's over , time for a new goal and a new outlook.
Unfortunately it's usually one part of the couple that get's lost and thinks they have to TOTALLY reinvent themselves, when it's only the next part of the journey.
I often think, that going back to our parent's era, where they couldn't afford to separate and women couldn't get a rental or a home loan easily, perhaps that's why they hung in and mostly it saved them from the pain and anguish of divorce . The children were much better off. These days, I worry about the children, who are our next generation.
Saturday night rambling.......................