You asked a lot of good questions. I relate to so much of what you said and how you feel. I am no longer distraught from losing my husband to divorce, but it definitely still feels like a significant loss and makes me sad. I have been living alone for nearly 5 years now. I'm not crazy about it, but I am used to it and have learned to enjoy my solitude. Like you, I miss not having someone to come home to and share the ups and downs of my day with. In general, I miss having someone to share my life with. Having friends, a job, and other activities are nice, but they do not give my life the meaning and fulfillment that I enjoyed in my marriage. I don't think I want to be alone the rest of my life, but I am also ambivalent about a new relationship/marriage. At this point, I'm not sure what I want. I know I can be okay if I remain single, but I'm not sure if that's my preference. Time will tell. I can honestly say that I do not feel less valued or significant by society (or people I know) since my divorce. I feel good about myself as a person and feel valued by the people that mean the most to me. That's all that counts for me. I think your feelings are normal and natural. As you continue the healing process, many of these feelings will dissipate to some degree. You asked, "Is anyone happy alone?" I think you will get varied responses, depending on individual circumstances. For me, I've made peace with being alone, I have happy times, but I'm not sure if I'm truly happy post-divorce yet. It's a work in progress.

Happy to be alone, happy being alone, no.
Attitude does matter, attitude is reframing things (sometimes it doesn't work and I'm just in the crapper)

I am alone with the facts that I was a good husband, I own my role in things getting a sideways, I own my desire to restore our marriage even after my wife's affair came to light. I am alone with those things and I am not afraid of those truths.

Attitude , I have 2 children that are healthy and not in harms way.
Attitude, whAt are you grateful for,
Me, I could live in some God and human forsaken region if Africa , eeking out a daily sustenance for my kids , but I don't, I am a to be divorced guy, with retirement effed up and alone for now.

I wouldn't trade out of where I am because it would trade out my family

Yes, sometimes that train if thought is not enough and i dead the place I rent with the single bed I bought for myself, I don't have a lot to offer someone and then I get pissed off at that.
I do have a lot to offer someone. I offer trust. I offer my word, I'll intersect with someone that values and offer the sAme maybe next yeAr maybe next decade.

You are late 50s , say maybe 30 years left on this planet, f-it be yourself and shine as you are, shine as you are

Sciteacher...I completely relate to this, I could have written it. I don't have the answers to your questions as I am still in the muck of it. Trust what the others say, it will get better. You are an amazing woman, a bright future is waiting for you.

Just hang on and your thoughts may change. I truly believe that every divorced person should be able to live alone and make peace with their life. I know how hard that can be and the doubts you might have. Having a partner in your life again will happen when you aren't looking for that new man in your life.

I now realize I was always alone my whole life. The ex lived a separate life from me. He was home every night on time but in our room watching TV away from the family.

I'm not expecting to have any one in my life again. I'm happy for the first time in many years. I like the life I have right now and I don't want to make any changes.

Sciteacher, I run into trouble whenever anyone mentions goals, too. As a child, I had the usual fantasies about being a nurse, a hairdresser, a teacher. Once I met my ex, all I ever really wanted was to marry him and have our family. I feel as though I've achieved my goals, and really struggle coming up with any new ideas. My health precludes full-time work or any volunteer position of responsibility. Given the opportunity to reunite with my ex, I would say a definite no, so obviously that part of my life's ambitions is over. However, I can be the best jolly Nanny this side of the black stump and I can still be there for my own children.

Some days I wish I had someone to talk to and other days I'm glad I don't have to push myself through the lack of energy to consider a significant other.

I think it is about attitude. It's about wanting to be the best person you can be on a moment by moment, day by day basis, about choosing to enjoy the simplest things eg at the kids' park today, you should have seen the meat ants wandering all over the sand under the swings! How fascinating!! We bought takeaway and had a picnic in the park to celebrate the fact that my grandkids are well again. There we were , me still with pneumonia, and would you believe? Down came the rain!! Instead of getting upset and whinging, we all laughed about it and rushed to get to the car and go to my daughter's house to save the guinea pigs!!

You know, it's about choosing to like ourselves, to love ourselves, to make our own lives more interesting or to make them more peaceful, choosing to do something we enjoy or which is necessary for our wellbeing, doing something for someone else, challenging ourselves at something, and being grateful and happy to be alive in this fantastic world.

Other people are important in our lives, but our relationships with ourselves are what makes us tick, what allows us to accept others, and what draws others to us.

I've found that I am not invited to BBQs, dinners or out to tea any more. I used to feel bad about it and think also that I was considered a 2nd class citizen until someone told me it's because the women are afraid of us. We are a threat to their marriages, apparently. So I decided to stop feeling bad about it, and find something else to do. Other single people have told me they're treated much the same. However, I do get individual invitations from other women which I enjoy just as much - coffee, lunch, a movie. Ok, the evenings are a bit quiet, and so I read, watch favourite shows on tele in peace, ring my friends who live in other places, write emails, come on DS. I am rarely bored.

Being positive can't be forced onto yourself by telling yourself you must be positive. I sunny nature comes from allowing you to be yourself and enjoy the things you can have in your life, whatever comes up, or a holiday you planned, study you chose to do. When I stopped expecting other people to bring in the sunshine, I learned how to make my own:)

You'll be okay, Sciteacher. It just takes a while to work through all of the things we have to work through after divorce. You can't do it all at once. I understand that the other ladies in your group are sad for what they lost. We're all sad for what we lost, and there'll be times we think about it and feel that sadness. Then we pick ourselves up, dry our tears and count our blessings before we lift our chins and carry on.

love and hugs
kamary

I wonder too. I hope there is happiness in being alone, but I find myself much happier when with others. Even my therapist must believe that because she tells me to "stay busy" and "go on dates". I don't know if that's just covering up what I must face - which is how to be happy alone, as that is my new life. And there are great times, when i appreciate the luxury of not answering to anyone else's schedule or demands, but lonely times too. I hope we find that peace within ourselves to enjoy what our life is today.

I feel grateful that I did have many hears of a happy marriage because so many of the people on here had so much misery. I guess when compared to a really bad marriage, being alone must feel better. I don't know. I wish I had good answers.

I know when you're down, it's hard to let the positive thoughts in...but do try!

You have much to be grateful for. You DID have love in your life...you experienced what married life is like and it brought you some happiiness at an earlier stage of your life. But it ended because....the happiness ended, for him anyway. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you! Your love for him will or maybe already has diminished. And that will continue. The sense of loss truly does fade. For me, the sense of loss now, is more centred around the disruptions in my life (moves, job, kids leaving home etc) than the loss of him. Heck, I don't even miss him. I just miss the NOTION of living a happy family life. But it wasn't that great, trust me. Was yours? Think about the NOT so great 'stuff'!

Life is FULL of love. You have children - what a blessing! Think of your friends and colleagues who desperately wanted to have children and it didn't happen for them. You were blessed! You ARE blessed!

You ask what you can believe. You can believe in yourself. You can believe in your children. You can believe in love! Yes, LOVE! Love did not end for you. Your marriage ended. You will ALWAYS have love in your life...in fact, I bet that in some ways you appreciate the love that you DO have even more than you did before divorce!

Will you have romantic love again? Unknown. Are you willing to let that stop you from letting your heart heal and be open to the possibility that you will find that love again? Say NO!

If we ALL lived with the overriding feelings of loss for what we don't have in our lives, the world would be a pretty crappy place. For instance: I need a job. I could use some more money. I'd like to lose some weight. I'd like to love and be loved by a wonderful man. I would like for my son NOT to live 3000k away.....

But I'm grateful. For everything I listed above (I could think of a few more actually....lol!) I could list two things that I'm grateful for. My health and my family and generally, peace in my life would be the main ones.

What are you grateful for? Make a list. REALLY make a list. Betcha it's a long one......
Hugs of support. This too shall pass!

Attractive and intelligent women who forget their currency, who pins over imagery loss of some suitor who never called back , apparently has little capability to recognize their own attributes, breaks my heart. Reminds me of the biblical story of women pleading and offering even their own provisions for a man's surname in desperation. Be careful of your need to get with any person to succumb your loneliness.

My question is, if a sector of society does not value your UNIQUEINESS [but yet everyone is special AND different] why buy into their convoluted definition as if it had any creditability? It only matters WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE. Debunking some socialization might be a good start, its field of view has little peripheral vision.

Sciteacher, I can distinctly remember many, many nights crying alone in my bed thinking precisely the same things you mentioned. I truly believed my life was over, that all the good I was meant to experience had already happened. It was excruciatingly painful. I wanted, and indeed planned, to end my life several times. But, the thought of my children having to grieve for me after all they had also lost kept me breathing. Then, little by little I began to focus on my blessings, even if all I could list for a day was that I was still alive. Every morning and every night, I listed everything I was grateful for that day. Just that day. It may have been a good grade on a test or that the grocery store had my favorite brand of cheese. After a few weeks, my perspective began to change. I began to see that in spite of all I've lost, I still have much to be grateful for.

It's still true that, as you've also experienced, I have known the social denigration of being single in a largely coupled world. But, I also learned that for the first time in history the number of single people now outnumber those who are married. Times are changing, and societal views of single people will, too. I even experienced this disparity in my own church. I stopped going. I've simply chosen to extricate myself from all situations where I am made to feel less than, simply because I'm now single. I didn't choose this single life. It was chosen for me. My task is to make the best of the situation that I can.

My brother loved lemons. He would often slice three or four of them, sprinkle them with salt, and sit and eat them. My face puckered just to watch him. Years later, his life fell apart just like so many of ours here have. His wife of 17 years threw him out, took his children away, and beat him down. He began drinking. When he realized the damage he was doing to himself and to his boys, he joined AA and began to turn his life around. This spurred his wife to be even more cruel to win full custody. She effectively turned my nephews against my brother. Yet, he continued to remain positive, believing that eventually things would turn around. The last words my eldest nephew said to his father, my brother, were "I hate you and I don't want you to be my dad!" My brother died a few months later. Just before he died, I talked to him and he was still clinging to his belief that things would get better. I can't help but think of him every time I see lemons. I think of the old adage that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. My brother did, right up until the end of his life.

It's true that you will have days that are harder than others. You will have setbacks. But, if you keep your mind and your heart focused on all the reasons you are grateful, it will help you endure those difficult days. When grief envelopes you, let it come. Cry the tears you must cry. I used to pace and cry until I wore the carpet thin. But, each time you cry and fully feel your pain and grief, you lessen it. I would swear that there was no way that I could possibly cry more, and then I did. There was still pain within. Allow yourself the opportunity to fully experience all the pain you feel, then lift your head high and go to work and demonstrate to your students what courage looks like. Courage is not the absence of fear or pain, but the willingness to confront it head on.

As for finding new love, we have all had our doubts and fears about that. After seeing a video that I didn't want to see of my ex and his new wife laughing and enjoying family life together, I felt miserable. All the fears I've carried about ending up alone came flooding back. But, after several days, I began to focus again on being grateful for what I do have. It's important to realize that when you do this, you tend to experience a surge of the very things you are grateful for. It's quite well documented. Oddly enough, I ended up with a date tomorrow night. Is he my soulmate, who knows? But, I will enjoy the date nonetheless and continue to be grateful for what I have. I believe that only if you are genuinely grateful will you be open to receive more love, more hope, more joy, more anything, etc. etc.

Hang in there, Donna. I promise you that not all days will be as bleak as this. And, age knows no limits on love. When you are ready, love will find you. Love is the only thing that never dies, never diminishes, never goes away. But, your heart must be open to experience it. The key to opening your heart is gratitude.

Sending you hugs and prayers for peace and comfort.
Kim