Hon, you are being so hard on yourself. You have everything, trust, honour, respect and confidence of your children and those that really matter. He has nothing. Sure he is married and could be happy but that is not your problem, it is his. I felt the same way just before Christmas. I guess it is the holidays that really bring this on. It is normal to feel like we do, but we need to live life the way we want to. I have this poster on my wall that says "Be Bold enough to use your voice, brave enough to listen to your heart and strong enough to live the life you've always imagined. So go for it, my friend. Smile you are an amazing woman. I, too have been separated/divorced almost 9 years and sometimes I am really amazed how far I have come. We are strong women, grab life by the tail and let's spin it.

When I have trouble sleeping, I use a herbal tablet containing passiflora. It's non-habit-forming and I only use it if I cannot sleep any other way.

I also use meditation cds, relaxing music cds, and relaxation techniques. I've had trouble sleeping for many many years and all of these things do help to turn off the incessant re-runs and let me sleep.

love and hugs
kamary

Is there a distracting t.v. show or funny book that might completely turn your mind away from him and the problems he's caused? Stay away from anything with a romance theme - those tend to make me really blue. I've read a couple books where the estranged couple get back together and live happily ever after and I have to them remember that isn't about to happen with me.

But my point is, to do something that moves your mind to a different place. I never watched tv for the first 18 months after my ex left because he ALWAYS had it on, and the silence seemed better, but now I realize occasionally having it on is a great distraction and makes me feel less alone.
Also, try a soothing caffeine-free tea or warm milk - those are supposed to aid sleep. And it it's been a week - take an Advil PM and enjoy a solid night of sleep to regain your sanity. Just don't make it habitual.

As far as the feelings you are having -- I'm sorry! It does take awhile to get over feeling like you got ripped off somehow, even though you know that you couldn't stay married to that asswipe. But don't EVER look at what they are doing now with any kind of ENVY -- things are NEVER as they seem! Instead, look at what you DO have and be grateful. None of us have to look too far to see others who are in a lot worse circumstances than we are -- "BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, THERE I GO."

During the 18 months of Hell it took to divorce the lying, cheating now-X, I was plagued with sleep issues -- to the point where I was barely functioning. After talking with my doctor, I began taking Lunesta. NOT a barbituate, it just magically quiets that part of the brain that keeps you from falling asleep (because it just keeps replaying all the shit going on in your life!). I never had any adverse effects from it and woke up clear-headed in the mornings. Once the "shooting" was over and the divorce was final, I was able to stop taking it with no trouble, either.

Several years later (when I moved down here to FL) I started having sleep issues again. Now I take Trazadone (50mg) at bedtime. It's actually a mild anti-depressant, but it also helps promote that restorative REM sleep. The bonus is that it also keeps low-level depression at bay; low-level depression has been associated with menopause, so I'm killing two birds with one stone. Again, no side effects.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, my dear. xoxo

Sorry to hear you aren't able to sleep. Lack of sleep leaves us so vulnerable psychologically as well as physically. If it goes more than a week, I would touch base with my doctor for some help. Sometimes we need a little help to get us through.
Luckily, working on my codependency issues for several years before the divorce came up, I had the tools to see a thought, set it aside, and leave it be, either for God to deal with, or to take back up in the morning if I could do something about it. I probably would have needed at least some temporary help getting to sleep without having practiced that for years.
Good luck. Hope you're able to get some restorative rest soon.

I am sorry to hear of your sleep problems. I have always had trouble sleeping and after leaving stbx it was
awful. My Doc told me about something called 5HTP which acts like an antidepressant without the side affects.
Look it up on the internet. It goes into your brain and activates your serotonin. I can wake up in the middle of the night and take one or two and fall back asleep and sleep really good. It is a supplement that you can buy anywhere. But do check it out with your Doc or on the internet to make sure I got the facts right. My Doc is
a functional, integrative Doc. He likes natural things if at all possible.

I also listen to relaxing CD;s and practice meditation and yoga.

Wishing you a good night's sleep

I tried melatonin 10 mg time release,
They helped at night yet during the day
I was now processing so i stopped melatonin
Last night we shall see.

I think at night its a releasing of feelings and
Emotions. I am doing divorce recovery and
Alanon recovery,

I actually had the most recovery during my
Grieving. I worked thru so much gunk, now
The stuff is free floating,

I pray one day to really release myself from
Him. It is an awful feeling to feel tied to someone
Who hates your guts. It is just too sad for words.

(((((( hugs))))))