sorry hun, I spent a fortune, but it will be money well spent. hugs and hope that this is the last time you are tangled in this mess.

My kids were younger and I got child support for them, but now wish I had known that I could get 50% of competitive sports , school trips, daycare,

I have since learned of agreements that have these things detailed. Where my agreement said extra curricular activities for kids will be agreed upon by both parties.

Of course despite the fact that the kids have played competitive sports their entire lives, and their dad goes on a regular basis to watch. If I ask for money he disagrees. Turns out I could have said all activities kids are in currently will continue and we would split 50/50.

Sports alone for the kids costs over 15,000 so its not a small bit of money

I can go to court and force him to pay but its a long and arduous

Thanks, knuc. Can you give me some specific examples of why it is money well spent. You can send it to me privately, if you'd like. I'm beginning to even wonder whether the attorneys are even worth it. Ridiculously expensive($150 for 'receipt and review of 100-word email) and so far, haven't done a whole lot!

I just finished reading The Smart Divorce. It pretty much sounds like when it's all said and done, no one really wins except the attorneys. Disheartening to be sure after all this time spent compiling expenses, revising expenses, reading up on divorce, etc. etc.

That's what I'm hearing, mom. That, after the divorce is final, it is costly to go back to court to make them comply with the agreement or even adjust things. The attorneys make it sound like it's not a big deal to go back to court but it really is. I want to settle as much as we possible can right now. I don't want to go down that path.

Golden I've been back in court three times and it can be expensive. I was lucky because my Atty put in a non-modifiable clause that kept the ex from reducing my alimony. Also a clause that the one found to be in contempt had to pay the others legal fees.

The non-modifiable clause kept my life stable after the divorce..No one could change our agreement unless we both agreed in writing and the new agreement court approved. The ex tested that three times, lost and had to pay both attys. His and mine.

If you have assets then you need an Atty to help you get and keep what you are entitled to have according to your state laws. I was led to one of the best sttys in my state. This man was in court with me six times over a six year period.

You will have to decide what you can live without. Don't let your stbx know what you can't live without. Put your game face on when you start negotiating your settlement. Make sure you ask for things you are willing to let go to keep what you really want.

Six years? OMG. How awful. I want to finalize the settlement and move on. None of this ongoing stuff. Whatever it takes to be done with it.

Good advice, trisha. I have done my budget and it's fair. There isn't anything in there that can go. My financial planner said she thought it was very fair.

Goldengirl:
Your divorce settlement is the BIGGEST FINANCIAL DEAL you will ever make, so don't short-change yourself worrying about legal fees. And trust me -- if you don't ASK for something now, you won't get it later.

Like Trisha, I also had a NON-MODIFIABLE CLAUSE in my financial settlement which protected me for the 6-year alimony period -- if he started to screw around with that post-divorce, it was going to cost him BIG TIME. Never had any problems with him on that because he KNEW I wouldn't hesitate to take him back to court.

As to what to ask for, your attorney should be able to provide you with some kind of list/tool for a financial statement of needs. This is standard in some states and includes such line items as Vacation, Gifts, Grooming, etc. -- stuff beyond the normal "cost of living" things like rent, mortgage, utilities, etc. Also be sure that you budget for the cost of CONTINUED HEALTH INSURANCE and things that aren't covered by insurance. Also be sure to factor in for INFLATION. The cost of EVERYTHING always goes up -- nothing EVER comes down.

Good luck

Thanks, Mis.

So, it was determined at my meeting this morning with my attorney and financial planner that it would be in my best interests to sell my house. Yes, I lost it right then and there and was handed a box of Kleenex. Sigh. Just part of this difficult process I guess.

(((HUGS))) Sorry hun.

Awww I'm sorry - but it's not the end of the world. You'll be OK. I probably should have sold my house and made him responsible for 1/2 of it - but I didn't want to make the kids leave the only place they knew. So now I'm stuck with the albatros and keep sinking money into it. My only hope is that the market will turn around a bit, and when I do sell, I may actually walk away with a little bit of something.

This might be a blessing in disguise.

I cried the first time in court too--it's just the emotion of the situation.

Sending healing hugs!!

Thanks, hurting. Hugs accepted! I've been out of sorts all day really. I'm still trying to process what selling my house will mean. Im just so comfortable here, great house, great neighborhood, safe, cordial neighbors, convenient. And the homes values are soaring! Ugh. Hard to leave this place for sure.

It was in my best interest to sell this farm. I still have it almost 7 years post divorce. Attys and financial planners are paid well for their advice but only you know what your house means to you. You probably will have to sell your house.

I crunched the numbers and knew I could live cheaper on this farm than I could in town. I had a chance to make income from my efforts. I make more than I could at a regular job but I work super hard to make it work.

You can find another house that is right for you. A house is just a house. Its the people living in it that makes it a home. At the start of my "procedure"as the ex called the divorce I bought a small pillow in a gift shop with the last of my money for that month. Its still on a chair in my living room so I see it many times a day. It says Home Is Where You Make It.

You may have to move but you are the one who makes a house into a home no matter where you end up living.