Well I couldn't help it. It was my entire reality wrong or right I had no choice. I'm all for getting the poison out. The thing of it was I didn't really have a choice. I can contain myself now but I didn't have a choice then........needless to say I wasn't a fun date LOL. But I am an authentic person the good the bad the ugly. That will never change. If people like me great if not so be it. I can't talk at work I have to fake it so here is the only place I can be me !

Thank goodness what would of done without this .....I don't know

There was a period of time in which the pain of the death of my kids family, divorce, and infidelity was all I knew

I had to talk the poison from that out of my system

Thank you both. Maybe it's like grief. A stage we go through before we heal.

My therapist told me to only tell people that I liked and trusted. And that has worked for me. As I get to know
the neighbors better I tell them small bits of my past life. Of course I had her to tell about all the dirt. And boy did I unload.

But we are all different whatever works.

I am a talker so I talked but I was careful who I talked to, ok it was more like melt downs but it really helped me get it out. I talked to my counselor and a couple of close friends. I also found this site, I have to say this site was more helpful and therapeutic than anything else I did. My divorce was final in Jan after a year separation, both unwanted. I have found that as I still struggle to find my way I don't talk to my friends as much as I did. I do have one friend who is a counselor so she checks on me weekly but I don't really tell her how strong the battle still is but I know she is there if I need her, unconditionally. I don't think my other friends get how hard the road still is, so I come here, this is really all I need for now, so thank you DS friends, I wouldn't be as far along in healing with out you all. Have a blessed day!

Over time, you learn to keep your kvetching to yourself and only share that stuff with close and trusted friends. Every once in awhile I still need to vent some feelings and I know exactly who I can share it with without fear of being told to get over it or whatever. Having someone you can talk to when those feelings come up is very helpful. We are women. We have to talk in order to totally process these kinds of feelings!

So true Kathi, we gotta let it out. somewhere somehow, but best to trusted friends. Or on here.

I am a talker as well, I don't have many friends but there are a few I really open up to, and one of my brothers and sister, but I'm starting to fell like i'm pushing them away cause it's all I talk about so i'm going to limit it and just give it to my therapist.

I think we have to decide for ourselves and keep in mind a couple of things:
Will it help or hurt me?
Will it hurt the person I'm telling?
Will it get around and hurt anyone else?

With my family and friends, I chose to NEVER bad mouth my ex. There was no benefit other than a bit of selfish gratuity to be had by doing so, and I knew it would cause great harm if any of it came back to our son. So, for me, that was my only rule.

If people asked, I told them what was up, but I would stick to facts, and if I couldn't say anything nice or neutral, I didn't say it.

Luckily for me, my codependency work got many of my internal voice issues named, looked at, and worked through before divorce reared it's ugly head. Also, the tools and skills I developed in mourning my daughters death helped me process the grief and loss of my marriage a lot faster than someone that hadn't been through that, so I didn't have the need to share my heart as much as I might have.

Without those skills, I'm certain I couldn't have gotten through it without a non-judgmental counselor or therapist. As it was, my ability to share with some pastoral ministers I work with (non-judgmental and confidential to boot - praise be!) helped save my sanity....or what passes for it with me!

Holding it in, in my opinion, is never an option if you want to be healthy. Whether we share with others, or work our way through it ourselves, and I do mean WORK THROUGH IT, mindfully, engaged, feeling it all, we have to do it to come through the other side. Otherwise it will be there always, like an emotional cancer, eating away at what health we have.

I was like you and wanted to talk to anyone who would listen, but I learned quickly that people will take what you say and turn it into something completely different and tell other people that story.

It's better to keep your confidences for trusted friends, your doctor, your therapist and for this site where we all understand.

I also found that the trusted friends, my little sister who is also divorced included, will reach saturation point, so keep your eyes open. If you see any signs they don't really want to listen (again), it might be better to make an appointment with your counsellor.

As others have said, it is important to 'get it out', so be sure to cry when you want to, let your anger out in healthy ways when you're mad, and allow yourself to feel all the feelings that seem to just keep on coming at you. Writing it out helps, too. I used to write everything down, then write affirmations to heal my hurts, and burn the paper - burning away the pain and hurts with it.

I usually find I can have a conversation about current affairs or child-raising or cooking or anything that interests the other person if I ask them a few leading questions, and listen to their answers. As you become ready, you will start to resume old hobbies or take up new ones, and you will have plenty to say to others without getting into your personal life.

love and hugs
kamary

My therapist encouraged me to only talk to her, and one or two other very close family or friends.

She said it was to easy to get caught up in only talking about, divorce, money, sadness etc.

I quickly realized she was right, close friend were interested for about the first three months, then they moved on. They couldn't understand why I would be crying at 6 months or 18 months.

But my best friend still lets me come over just because I need a hug, she gets that it still hurts at times.

I tend to keep things pretty close to the vest. I only confided in friends and loved ones that I trusted. I could sense pretty quickly if those people were getting sick of hearing about my troubles so I'd cut myself off before I went to far.

My therapist was a godsend at the time because I paid him to listen to me so he had no choice. I think you have to do what makes you feel comfortable. It may chase some people away (mostly because it forces people to face the fact that these things can happen to anybody.)

Hugs to you

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