From where I sit, this situation has big RED FLAGS waving all over it! The man is an alcoholic. He is still drinking. You allowed him to move back in with (apparently) no conditions. I am sure you know that this is called ENABLING. In addition, you have left yourself wide open to another world of hurt and disappointment.

It is not at all unusual for you to just instantly begin to trust him after all this time. If you DID, I would be worried about you.

My advice? Get yourself to a qualified counselor or licensed therapist. I have read too many stories on here over the years where the runaway spouse simply comes back and expects everything to be hunky-dory and before you know it, they are back to awful. Plain and simple.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, my dear.

You've got to hear yourself. Somebody sold you the script as if it is your job to give "benefit of the doubt" crap to someone who has had bad HISTORY!!! Where I am from, you job is to evaluate whether or not the individual has taken the burden of proving themselves to be trustworthy. Evaluation comes from inspection and validation.

Even if some woman was naked and placed herself on his lap, I expect my H to have the ability to say "NO" , push her away, and run the hell away on his own accord. Thinking you could push him into the arms is saying he can easily be expected to act out if circumstances were AVAILABLE. That my dear is your red flag/ clue. You are not join at the hip to watch him like some kid. But you are correct, it's about him proving himself when you are NOT THERE.

Thank you cowgirlKathi and TobyWinn. I agree there are red flags. I did give him a condition and that is he is not suppose to contact OW under any circumstance. I also said the drinking must stop. I did not tell him immediately though. I am trying to give him time to make the final decision. My worry is myself right now. I just don't want to over react and push him away.

I understand your predicament. You have been married a long time and you are emotionally tied to your husband. When he left you, it was traumatic and your world fell apart. Yes, you have taken him back but I wonder if you realize that you MUST have changed. It's good to have him back because when they leave it's all you dream of. I don't have advice; just letting you know I get it. I know what it is like to have the man you marry walk out on you and have your whole identity shattered. But at some point, you have to realize the trust is broken and you need to find a therapist. He has to start showing that he will win back your trust. You have to start acknowledging what you can live with. Either way, the road ahead and work that needs to get done will not be easy. I am sending prayers your way, my friend. Just try to be kind to yourself. When everyone beats us up, we have to be more kind to ourselves. I don't know if this too shall pass but I do know we all have a survival mechanism. There comes a point when we just want peace.

Hullibee: Honey, someone who used to be a member of this group had a saying...something to the effect of "allowing ourselves to be someone's OPTION instead of a PRIORITY." I am wondering why on earth after all that has transpired WHY you are allowing HIM to make the "final decision." Do you hear me screaming? Setting HEALTHY BOUNDARIES is the most important thing you can do FOR YOURSELF and for YOUR FUTURE -- no matter how this all shakes out.

Right now TODAY I want you to go online and find the nearest meeting of your local chapter of Al-Anon and ATTEND! In my opinion, your husband's alcoholism is at the root of your marital problems and his drinking needs to be addressed FIRST and FOREMOST. I am confident that anyone else who has dealt with alcoholism in a marriage will agree. DO IT FOR YOURSELF!

Yes your husband is an active alcoholic and always will be. And you are enabling him to continue.

You do need to go to a therapist or al-anon. I was married to an alcoholic for 23 years, Also my Dad,
Brother, son, and some of my grands are alcoholics. I am surprised I did not turn to alcohol.

Please get help for yourself.

Missed 12932, I just want to acknowledge what you have shared. It must be difficult dealing with alcoholism in so many ways. I think you should commend yourself for escaping that bondage. Thank you for sharing; your answer has real strenght

I wish you the best possible outcome, but I too have every alarm in my head going off for you. That you say you're worrying about yourself now is good, but then you go on to talk about pushing him away, or pushing him back to the other woman. Hullibee.... if he goes away or back to her, it's not because of anything you do or don't do. It's because of him!
Your "conditions" of him not contacting her, and stopping drinking when he's ready are likely to fail because maintaining and enforcing them are up to you, not him. You are suspicious, rightly so because he's a liar and a cheat. He was late coming home, and failed, HE FAILED, to call you and let you know not to worry, that he was going to stop and help his mom. He failed to offer the simplest courtesy, he failed to do the easiest thing in the world to try to re-establish your trust.
You paid for his failure with emotional distress. You were stressed, your co-dependency went off the charts, you dropped everything and ran to check if he really was at his moms house, and now you are beating yourself up and worrying about pushing him away.
That's not worrying about yourself, not taking care of yourself, that's worrying and obsessing about him and causing you harm.
He left you, lived with someone else, and moved back. He's still drinking. He's got a place to live (your home), you to cook for him, to wait for him to come home or not, to quit drinking or not, to stay or not. Pretty cushy. And he can't be bothered to call or text to even pretend to re-build trust.
Please, consider getting a professional to help you sort this out. If you decide to stay together, it can only make things better for you. If you decide to part, you will be stronger and know why. My biggest worry is, like I was, you're so buried in the situation and worry about the "what ifs" you can't see how things really are for you. Take care my friend, take care of you.

I just don't know why you feel guilty or are you afraid he will leave . He should be the one afraid of being kicked out of your life for good !! You did nothing wrong he did.

Drinking has to go

No wonder you don't trust him, hullibee. Please spend some time thinking about what you want and what he is likely, in reality and based on past behaviour, to be able to give you. Love can be so blind. It's great to forgive but unwise to forget.

love and hugs
kamary

Thank you all for your concerns and support. I am going to get a marriage counselor so we can go to therapy together. I do have a personal counselor I have discussed this situation with him. I am trying to take it slowly. I have been going to Alanon for months. They too have warned me of the pitfalls. I will keep you all posted.

Good for you to have the courage to go to a counselor and Alanon.. Just listen to them, take it one day at a time.

Thank you missed. I am trying to not over react and only look at today. I pray to my higher power to give me strength.