Hang in there WM98,
I have the same problem . I was married for 38 years and the same thing happened to me 4 years ago.
Divorced for almost 2 years now. I know the empty , sad feeling that comes out of know where. It’s uncontrollable and you just have to work your way through it. I’ve been there many times , I’m sure you have also . At least we know that it won’t last long …………
Our lives probably will never be the same. But………… But, WM98 we do still have a life to live…. There will be many good things to come for us.. Different ??? Yes, but never the less some other enjoyments . I to have a new friend for the last year . She’s just a friend and I have a hard time letting it
become more.
Sometimes I just sit back and think “What is this life all about” How can change happen so fast…
Then I now tend to appreciate more of what I do have….. All of nature and Gods creations .
I just heard a saying ……….
Pain is the price that we pay for love.
You do your best my friend………… I wish you the best…………….
Take care and God Bless
TM .

Your right there are no promises of things always being fair in life, I had not thought of this pertaining to the divorce im going through!
It is dreadful how divorce effects the whole family, my children are both adults but it effects them also!

Hugs

No, you can't click your heels and go back to Kansas. BUT you CAN look at the gift of the wisdom of your experience and use it to go forward into a brighter, more emotionally healthy future! That's what I have done. Sure, I still have those moments of "wistful thinking" even though I can't for the life of me understand why...I have studied enough and spent thousands of dollars on therapy to KNOW that there was very little REAL LOVE in my former marriage. You just have to keep walking forward -- into the light!
Thank you for sharing this!

I'm prayin' for you my friend! I remember you helped me so much when I was struggling the most, and for that and so much more, I am so grateful! Thirty years is a very long marriage and this is NOT how we envisioned getting old together would look like. But it is what it is - and most likely, considering all things, possibly for the best. I know this to shall pass for you - it often does for me. You are a wonderful caring man, father and friend. These bumps and bruise will go away. Stay focused my friend and know I will continue to pray for you and the kids!

One thing I learned, is that you can not keep looking back and seeing what there was, you have to look to a future of what is there for you? Take a relationship ( for now) out of the future and figure out what would truly make you happy. This is the one time in your life you could do what you want to! For some of us, this is the time to take a chance, do something we want to do. You have to figure out what that is! You are alone at the end of a divorce, but guess what, you were probably alone in the marriage also.

Your kids are grown, you are where you are suppose to be and you sound like you have a lot of offer! As to the OZ reference, remember this isn't Kansas anymore! She said that too! Many of us have gone on and found a new life, and for some, a better life. Work on yourself, and the rest will come. Really! AND sorry, I don't think pain is the price we pay for love. For some, maybe love is something that you have to figure out and define, because many many people didn't have the kind of love you deserve or could return in the marriage. Aim for the best life you can have, for it short! Hang in there, and one old adage I believe is true, time does heal, I change that to time can heal you!

Good point MsTerey about "pain being the price we pay for love." I read somewhere that LOVE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HURT -- never EVER!

For me, I think it took a long time to realize that the "old feelings" really translated into the words "security" and "normal." Yes, I loved my ex. I wasn't often happy in my marriage, even before the cheating started. I manufactured a lot of my happiness by lying to myself. I would make excuses for his behavior when I experienced the hollowness/disappointment I would feel by not being appreciated by my ex. Like you, I'm an optimist. So I would put on a happy face and make the most of the situation when I could, thus creating the illusion of happiness. I was like a cheerleader....even when the team was losing, they still caper out onto the field and cheer! I'm not saying we were never really happy; there were many times we were. But what I grieved the most was the security and the normalness (meaning, what I was familiar with, even if it sometimes hurt). I now miss the feeling of being able to take my load and transfer it (even temporarily) to someone else. I miss that feeling I had where the boys were under the same roof with us, but it is modified. Now, I like it immensely when it is just me and the boys and even sharing a simple meal and their company for a few hours. All seemed a lot better to bear, even when we were living under the same roof but separated. So this is a good thread. We have a lot more to offer as we go forward. We will have to establish a new set of "normal" or feelings of security or well being. Best wishes and big hugs.

JustSpiffy just pointed out very well the "illusion" that many of us manufactured as a means of survival. It takes getting out of a less than ideal situation to be able to see it without those "rose colored glasses" that another member is so oft to talk about.

The way we perceive our lives is so often the result of an "ideal" that was formed in our minds from our own childhoods or (eee gads!) the "ideals" that were portrayed on television when we grew up (i.e., Leave It To Beaver, Father Knows Best, etc.) It wasn't until many years later when the tv show "Roseanne" came on that I realized HER family was closer to what growing up in MINE had been like!

All kidding aside, for some reason it seems as if "we women" grow up feeling 100% responsible for the emotional health of our relationships -- whether married or not. That is why we create these "illusions" in our minds and tend to live them out -- until something cathartic happens and we are forced to strip away the fantasy and "get real" with what IS. And I believe that's why, regardless of how far beyond the pain of divorce we get, we sometimes slip back into that "wistful thinking" mode. Anyone here who tells you that they NEVER has those moments is lying. Unless there is such thing as a partial frontal lobotomy, we will ALWAYS have those memories.

I for one have learned that those memories are just that -- memories -- and that the difference between letting them drag you down and letting them go is a matter of conscious choice. I never feel as if I lived a lie, nor do I feel that I wasted those 30 years. I am still who I am. I did the very best I could with what I had to work with. Yes, I can clearly see now that I should have put an end to the madness decades earlier, BUT if I had done that, would my life today be the same as it is? Probaby not. Without the wisdom of my experience -- slugging through the muck and the mire of sudden abandonment and an ugly, protracted divorce -- I would NOT have gained this valuable wisdom. We ALL have the opportunity to grow from this experience. It takes time. It's a process. And the timeframe is different for everyone. But if we keep faith in OURSELVES, we will all get beyond it and begin to live again as our Authentic Selves. When that happens, there is only GOOD STUFF yet to experience!

You will be fine, my friend. It is very normal to wish that things were the same as befoe. But as you said, we cannot wave a magic wand and make things be the way we want them to be. Just take it one day at a time and one day soon, you will find that you are not thinking about her that much anymore and that you have moved on with your life. smile