My son has been discharged from the hospital and I think he's doing okay, he's with his dad this week so I'm not sure. He had a Drs appt yesterday and has to go in every day to have them listen to his lungs to make sure his is improving. Poor kid. Well, yesterday I had to watch the kids for the stbx to work but he got off for the appt and took my son. I think he thinks he's doing this great deed!

Anyway, it's been a week of high adrenaline and now I'm falling fast. My mind was preoccupied before and I didn't think too much about what was going on but now, I'm thinking constantly. During the time my son was in the hospital, I stayed with him during the day and the stbx stayed the nights. I was actually nice to him. I brought him coffee in the morning or breakfast. I didn't talk to him, just gave it to him and he would leave. I didn't expect anything from him, and he didn't disappoint me there. I don't know why I did it. It's something I would have done for anyone else, but he's not anyone else.

So I've been served. Am I ready for this? I guess it really doesn't matter whether I am or not, it's happening. I've been thinking about my life, my kids lives and of course his life. He'll be okay. He's made of stone and gets what he wants no matter who it hurts. If you can do that, there's not a lot that will affect you.

The kids I worry about. Especially my 11 year old daughter. My stbx had always denied the kids needed therapy until a few weeks ago when he said that she did need it. I was surprised but I didn't say anything. Then I heard from one of my friends that my daughter had said she had gotten into a big argument with her dad when she stayed with him last. I asked her if it was true and what it was about. She said that it was because she felt like she was always getting in trouble with him and he was picking on her and always upset with her. We talked about it and then dropped it. But lately I've been thinking that maybe the reason he is picking on her so much and upset with her all the time is because she's figured him out. She sees what he's done and it probably comes out in her attitude. So probably without even meaning to, he picks on her. It makes me so angry. I can't stand that she's having a problem like this with someone and I'm helpless to do anything about it. And it's absolutely sick that it's her own father I have to protect her from.

I'm feeling so depressed right now. I don't know how to get out of this? How am I going to move on when all I can think about is what he's doing, who he's with, where they are... And when I don't know, I make up the worst in my head. I see single moms and I think to myself I don't want to be one. Nothing against them of course, but my life didn't include that. And that just makes it worse. I worked my whole life to be able to choose the things I wanted and the direction my life was going in, I worked damn hard for it. And now, I'm starting all over again. Not only do I have to start over, but all the work I did feels like it was for nothing! A waste of 20 years of my life. In the blink of an eye, my life's work became nothing. How can he do that?

I sat in the chair at the hospital that my husband slept in and the pillow smelled of his cologne. It hurt so bad. What makes her worth leaving his family in devastation? She had a husband (they just finalized their divorce) and she has 3 kids of her own. She doesn't work, has no profession or particular skills. I just don't get it. She's younger!! That's it. But I know her. I was friends with her. I know that the cute, cheerleader, dumbed down "Oh my Goooooosh" act she does isn't the real her. How can men be so stupid. How can he kiss her and touch her and not think about his real family? When he first climbed in bed with her what was he thinking? God, why do I even care? What difference does it make what he was thinking, he did it. Would I feel better knowing he did think of me but did it anyway or he didn't think about me at all?

I'd been feeling like I'm moving on and doing well, but now I feel like I haven't. I've gotten better for sure, but don't know if I'm even close to where I should be. I want to feel nothing for him and get on with my life but I can't. I think about him all the time. I am trying so hard to fake it until I make it but it just isn't working. I feel like I am obsessed with him. I've never driven by his house before, but for the first time in our year apart, I drove by his house in the middle of the night to see if her car was there. I feel so anxious all the time. In my mind they are always together playing house and I just want to scream! We already have a home and family!
But who am I kidding, he didn't leave because of the kids. He left because of me. We didn't give each other what we needed so he went to find it from someone else who would give it to him. I do feel like a failure. I know it wasn't all my fault, but that doesn't change the fact that I once made him happier than anyone on earth and now I make him more miserable than anyone. How could I be so bad that he would drop everything and leave without ever looking back? I know everyone says it's his problem it wasn't me, but it was.

I just love him so much and as mad as I get and as crappy as he's treated me, it doesn't change that underlying fact. I love him. I always defined true love as unconditional love. I didn't know for sure before but know I do know that I really felt he was my true love. How could I love someone who has treated me like crap in 101 ways.

I guess the question would be would I take him back? Just thinking about it stresses me out. I can't see us living together again. I can't see us agreeing on much. I can't see us being able to get over the whore. I can't ever forgive him for what he did to the kids. I know all this but I still love him. What's wrong with me?!?!?!?
I'm so frustrated. I'm being pulled in so many directions. I don't even know where to begin to build my life. I've been telling myself that I'm doing what I need to do at this time and if that's fighting to get through an hour at a time then that's what I have to do, but it's been a year now and how long can I live this way. My life is still passing by day by day with nothing to show for it. My kids are the most wonderful things in my life. When they were born I promised to give them a good life, I promised to make the world revolve around them. I am most upset about that. I have failed. They may have a good life at some point, but it won't be the same. They have had to suffer for their parents and that's not fair.

I'm feeling so crappy now. I hate my life. I hate how I feel all the time. I hate living this nightmare everyday. I hate that I loved him and he didn't love me back. I hate that my children are suffering. I hate that I don't know where this will all lead. Is he going to marry the whore? Then she would have 4 kids by 3 different fathers! I'm so so tired of it all.

Thanks for listening.