While I sit here on Christmas Day pondering life and counting my many blessings, it dawns on me how much I’ve learned through the separation and divorce process, not just about how to survive and cope but also about myself. I wanted to share some of the most important thoughts with you, my cohorts, in the hope that, perhaps, they might help you on your journey through heartbreak and renewal.

I’ve learned that divorce is the most devastating experience a person can endure, except for the loss of a child. I watched my parents suffer that loss in 2012 when my brother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I held them, cried with them, prayed for them, stood beside them at his grave, and did all I could to lift them up. So, I can say this with complete honesty and from a unique position of compassion. This week, I watched as my Uncle lost his son, my cousin, in much the same way. Just as I would never claim to know the devastation of losing a child, and dear God I hope I never will, people who mean well may say that they understand the loss and grief you are experiencing in divorce. To those individuals I smile and say, “I appreciate your support, though I hope that you never actually know this loss. Until you have lived it, you can’t fully appreciate how painful it is.” It’s okay to recognize the depth of your loss in divorce. It’s okay to let others see how much it hurts and how, for a time, you will not be yourself. In fact, you will likely never be that person again. Never apologize for the pain and anguish you feel. Don’t pretend that everything is okay when it’s not so that others are more comfortable. Those who hold your heart in theirs will walk beside you no matter what, and they will demonstrate compassion when you need it most. Divorce is hard. You deserve validation that what you are going through is likely to be the single most poignant experience of your life.

For those, like me, who have suffered the additional humiliation and pain of infidelity, you have a longer and harder road to travel. Even under the best of circumstances, divorce is damaging. When you add lies and betrayal to the equation, you add a whole new dimension to the anguish. Learning that the one person in the whole world that you believed you could trust has systematically lied to you, outright deceived you, and betrayed your trust has a shattering effect on your psyche. It’s not uncommon for women, in particular - though it can also apply to men, to experience PTSD symptoms as a result. I suffer from them daily, but it’s getting better. It will be quite a while before I can fully trust people again. This is completely understandable. If you are in the same boat, be extra gentle with yourself. We all want to get better and feel more positive. Sometimes we want that so much that we get angry or frustrated with ourselves when it doesn’t happen. That only adds to the layers of distress we have to work through. And no matter what you did or didn’t do in your marriage, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR PARTNER CHEATED ON YOU AND LEFT YOU! Remember that your vows included “for better or worse.” That was the deal! You kept your end of the agreement. Your partner did NOT! I’ve carried around the burden of guilt for nearly 2 years now believing, as my ex wanted me to, that I was somehow to blame for his affair and leaving our marriage of 24 years. I examined over and over details of our marriage in an attempt to discern where exactly I went wrong. I hoped that if I found the answer, perhaps I could fix it. I learned, the hard way, that I cannot fix the delusions and emotional problems of others. And, my friends, that’s what it takes for someone to lie, cheat, and leave a marriage in this way. I realize that it happens all the time. The divorce rate is high, and we as a society have come to expect that these things just happen – that is, until they happen to US! I’ve learned through extensive therapy, research, meditation, and prayer that it is NOT normal, it is NOT acceptable, and it is NOT just a sign of the times. We have all made mistakes in our marriages. We are, after all, only human. But, I promise you that nothing you did justifies infidelity and walking out on a marriage leaving a wake of destruction and no closure. A good man, coming to the realization that he no longer loves his wife as he should, would be honest about his feelings and attempt to talk things through before ultimately choosing to end his marriage. This is what we are promising to do when we stand before God and our family and friends and promise to love, honor, and cherish another person. I recently had my therapist say to me in no uncertain terms that my ex “did not love me enough” and that what he did was just “flat wrong.” For some weird reason, that freed me from the guilt. I knew this already in my head, but the message just hadn’t filtered down to my heart. I felt validated. I felt relieved. I felt that finally someone other than my family and friends GOT IT! So, for those of you who haven’t yet experienced your AHA moment, let me help. YOU WERE NOT LOVED ENOUGH BY YOUR FORMER SPOUSE! THE WAY HE/SHE CHOSE TO END YOUR MARRIAGE WAS WRONG! YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. YOU HONORED YOUR VOWS – HE/SHE DID NOT. There, I said it! I hope it helps.

I’ve since realized, again through therapy and intensive reading and research, that my ex was not, in any way, the right man for me. We married young. We were high school sweethearts. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted at that stage in my life, nor did he. This alone is part of why our marriage failed. But, two people who are truly meant for each other and have the capacity for emotional maturity and dedication to a marriage can overcome even this monumental obstacle. Unfortunately, I now understand that he suffers from a number of chronic medical conditions (knew this while we were married) as well as a number of emotional and personality disorders (suspected but didn’t know this before). This is extremely common for runaway spouses. I highly recommend reading Vikki Stark’s book, Runaway Husbands. Once you understand that a person is simply not capable of behaving in a thoughtful and compassionate way, it’s liberating. My ex, sadly, comes from a long line of people suffering from these same issues. I don’t say that to be glib. I truly mean that he has a pretty miserable emotional makeup that is largely genetic, although some of it is circumstantial. He will likely repeat this same pattern for the duration of his life. I actually feel sad for him at times. Each of you has shared your stories of your spouse’s lack of compassion, cruelty, anger, betrayal, etc. I strongly suspect that a similar heredity is, at least in part, to blame. It takes more than just a big jerk to do what these men/women have done.

Once you know this, you can move on to the stages of recovery. We all know the importance of self-care. I won’t waste precious words on this topic for now. Take good care of yourself in every way possible. You get the gist!
I am compiling a list of books and resources that I’ve read that are particularly helpful for men and women on their journey to recovery from divorce and betrayal. I have learned so much from each one of them. In fact, I’ve been forever changed by the lessons contained in these volumes. I will publish this list and what I found particularly helpful from each as soon as possible. I hope that these resources will provide comfort, compassion, explanation, and encouragement for you. They changed my life. In fact, they gave it back to me.

I’ve also decided, with the encouragement and support of friends, family members, and other divorce survivors, to take on the task of creating a new support group. For now, the group will exist as a physical, weekly entity designed to help people who live in my immediate area. Believe it or not, there is NONE to be found here. I know. I looked extensively. Thereafter, I am contemplating doing something broader. I feel that many of you have suffered more because you simply did not have access to the right words, resources, people, etc. to get help specifically when and where you needed it. Thankfully, you’ve had the kindness, encouragement, and compassion of all the wonderful people here on this forum. Sometimes, that’s all you need. But, I know I needed some direction from time to time. I needed specific answers to questions that plagued me. I needed to know and hear certain things. Therapy is an excellent outlet for these areas, but not everyone has access to therapy. In that vein, I am asking for your input. You have all walked this terrible road. You have all suffered the excruciating pain and indignities that go along with it.

What would you want to see in a support group? What resources would you want access to? What topics would you want covered? What do you feel would help you to heal faster, better? I appreciate and value your input. Please be candid. You can send me a private message if you prefer.

I’m alarmed by the rising suicide rate among men and women in their 50’s and 60’s, which is attributed in large part to shattered lives from divorce after 20, 30, 40 or more years of marriage. It breaks my heart to think that someone would end their precious life because of this. I’ve traversed that slippery slope myself, more than I care to admit. But, something keeps pulling me back. I keep finding hope, answers, support, compassion, and camaraderie. You are all dear to me, and I am so very grateful for your support and compassion. I feel compelled to reach out and help others who are suffering as we have all suffered.

I know many of you, like me, are spending the holiday alone this year. We may physically be alone, but in spirit we are not at all alone. Each one of us is an example of perseverance, decency, grace, humility, and compassion. We are stronger than we believe, and together we will not only endure but also transcend this thing called divorce. We each deserve to live a full and happy life filled with genuine love and affection - nothing less.

I sincerely wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year. You are all in my prayers.

Kindest regards,
Kim