It's me again, deener 31. I want each day to get easier only it keeps feeling worse. We are divorcing and trying to get through the whole process. My house is in chaos with everything all over the place. Boxes half packed and items still being determined if I can let it occupy limited storage space and if I am willing to let something go. It is a tough thing to go through. I really feel all alone and I pray a lot and ask for help and courage and strength. I just don't feel I have enough. Then, in the last 5 months, I met a man that graduated from my high school and we are both turning 50 this year. We hit it off instantly and I told him of me getting a divorce. He told me of his illness. We were so drawn to each other that we were accepting of our troubles. I never pushed him to do anything he did not already want to do. The meetings had to be clandestine and he seemed to be okay with that. Basically and while my marriage was over I guess I could say I was having an affair. I have never done that and it did weigh on my mind. Only we both wanted to be together very much and we allowed it to happen. He has CFIDS and I have been trying to learn what it takes for him to have a somewhat normal life for him to get through each day. He seemed to be okay until last month. We were getting too close and we had to face certain things or issues and he could not be strong enough for me while I get through the emotions of divorce. I feel condemned for not knowing about his limitations and he can not see that and allow for me to learn as we go. He is just so wrapped up in handling his own emotions and trying not to have stress as that puts him in to crash mode and he can't function. I have tried to be allowing and yet he can't allow for me with my own weaknesses and stress and emotions. Otherwise he is such a good man that was worthy of love and deserved love and I was learning how to work around his disability; He couldn't even wait until I was on my own for a while for us to try to have a normal courtship at his pace. Now I am just a source of stress to him no matter what I say and no matter what I do. This whole thing is really hard for me and I feel it is taking more of an emotional toll on my than my divorce. I have been wanting this divorce for about 10 years and never had the courage or strength to do it until about 2 years ago. My husband had the same mutual want and when we are done with the divorce, I know we will still have a platonic relationship. It is with this other person though that he broke my heart. He built me up from the beginning saying that he loved me and things like my face was a shape of a heart. I had the most beautiful green eyes. He would say things like he wanted to marry him and I allowed myself to open up, let down my guard and allow to feel his love for me. I knew he was truly sincere and I really got to know him as he did me. Then, because of his CFIDS, he pushed me away. I know he still loves me but he is not allowing himself to love me anymore because it causes him stress. I am just devastated right now and trying to sort out my thoughts and emotions. I wake up with anxiety at times realizing that I will be completely on my own and that I will have to rely on only myself. I was on my own from the time I was 19 until age 33. I took care of myself and held down two jobs just so I would not have to be asking for hand outs. It was a struggle at that age and the credit was not good then. I was on my own then for 14 years and I have had a relationship with my husband that spanned 24 years. Our house I have lived in the longest out of any place I have lived. So it is scary for me not knowing where I am going to live if I will make it on my own financially or if I can manage any medical emergencies. I do not have confidence in myself at this time. For the other person, it was best in a way that he stepped out of the picture so I could focus on my life without expecting him to fill the void. It is just that the way he has done so is so hurtful and he makes it seem that it is completely over and never for there to be a chance in the future for us to try again at a slower pace. I feel that we could have made it work since I have become more educated on how he needed to live his daily life. I was so eager and willing to be there for him. With me becoming a vegetarian and then just recently losing 121 pounds, we would have both been compatible with our eating needs as he had to have a restricted diet. While I have become more active, he needed to pace himself and have naps and down time when his energy stores were low. I was ready to work with that as I have always been able to occupy my time on my own. I just loved him so dearly and I felt that he was my one true love even over my STBX and that I could put my trust in him. If it wasn't for the control of his CFIDS that has taken his life over, he would have been that man for me. I don't want to disregard him even after all that he has put me through because I have an unconditional love for him and will always love him until the day I die. I wish he could only have been strong enough for me as well and loved me enough like he said he did in the first place. He said he had patience and that nothing about me would ever discourage him. Then like I said, in this past month, everything changed and he blames me. I am not a bad person and his CFIDS amplifies feelings that everyone else is able to shake off and move on. I am sorry for rambling on about something that I know I have no choice but to get through and get on with my life. It is just that I hurt so badly with the divorce grief and now the loss of something that was so sure in my life. Sorry for rambling, I am crushed and I feel so lost and hopeless.