Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Lately, I have been getting the really incredulous, pitying look from 40 ish, suburban moms who just CAN'T understand how I couldn't see the signs? How could you not see that he was a monster capable of findjng a 30 year skanky nanny, first time in college, professing her undying love for him as he boinks her in my bed, my home and buys her ice-cream. You know why I didn't? Because I am NOT an immoral skank, with no moral compass who screws people over regularly. I view people through my moral lens and my world view; in my worldview you don't cheat on your wife of 22 years. You don't do the heinous things this animal has done. So quit asking me these innane, obnoxious questions. You know what? I am glad I didn't from the beginning see this piece of garbage for the rotten, soul-less, vile creatin that he surely is. You know why? Because I am not like that. You know why I didn't recognize the sign of a cheater? Because I am not a cheater. You know how or why I don't recognize an abuser or narcissist? Because that is not who I am. So actually, I am very happy to not see that. Well, now that sadly I have been exposed to this debased side of nature, now I know but don't expect me to think every man on the planet is like this. Because they are not! There are many wonderful ones out there and I am gonna find one one day. That piece of stbx garbage is the one who cheated. Why should I be paying the price of an action I had no part of! Just wish I can tell them all to just piss off!
If these are your friends I would possibly rethink having some of them in your life.
You need to be surrounded by positive people not those who dwell on the negative
You can't go back so don't let people bring you back or think back
You are a very strong person and you can do this
From what you have encountered. From those who said to me you had to have known to you must not of take care of him in the bedroom. People are unreal and so insensitive but until they experience it and some might be going thru it now they just don't know it yet. Like you I didn't think like a lower life. I have morals, values and character. So good for you and take no blame or that you are at fault for assume the good. Carry on !!!
If these people are not your friends, I wouldn't tell them anything. If they are your friends, I'm afraid they aren't very understanding or considerate of your feelings. Momto is right. You need to keep positive and supportive people around you, and don't talk to acquaintances about it.
And I agree with you. We mostly recognise in others what we have in ourselves. Like you, I find it very hard to understand how people can be so cruel in so many ways. I know none of us is perfect. We all have our moments, but I simply cannot understand why someone would deliberately set out to hurt another.
The problem is his. If he wasn't willing to bring it to the table and discuss it with you with a view to fixing the problem, it is still his. He can't blame you, and you mustn't blame you either.
It's no one else's business what happened or why or why you didn't see the red flags that we here at DATY have also missed.
love and hugs
kamary
So that is happening to you huh? That sucks. That wasn't my experience. Sure, I had a few friends and family members ask, didn't you see any signs? I think it's a natural question, but I never felt that it was meant in a hurtful or prying way. People don't get it. Heck I didn't get it, how could I expect someone else to?!
You've got your head on straight about it. Don't feel judged. Generally, people want to help and not hurt you. And curiosity is a natural propensity.
Don't be angry or feel judged. You've got enough to deal with sister! Keep on keepin' on. I hope you are doing a little better these days! hugs
As to why people say stupid things and ask inane questions, I have 2 beliefs: they're trying to help and have no freaking clue how or what to say, or they're busybodies with nothing better to do with themselves than to say stupid things to people in the hopes of being entertained, ala' Jerry Springer.
I haven't been asked too many questions about my divorce, mostly because I forestall them with a comment or two beforehand, how our marriage ended because of his addictions, and I'm not going to go into it because that's his business to tell them about it, or not.
However, I heard some doozies after our daughter was born and died: "Don't worry, you can always have another." "It was God's will...." or "God never gives you more than you can handle."
Anyways, if I suspect they care and are trying to help, I try to look past their ditzy words and read what they're trying to share from their hearts. If they are looking to feed off my pain, I cut them loose with a prayer to help anyone else in their path. I don't have time to spend on emotional vampires.