Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

The sensitivity chip

Chrissy614
Chrissy614
I've got it figured out. Well quite honestly Jennifer Aniston said this about Brad Pitt after they split up .....

Our stbx's don't have the sensitivity chip. Thats why they think we can be their friends after they've ripped our hearts out. That's why they think it's ok to call us, or text us or come over the house. That's why they are able to move on with their life so quickly and put us out of their minds and their hearts. That's why we don't matter to them any more even though we've been with them most their lives.

They don't have the sensitivity chip. The part of the brain that controls the ability to be sensitive to other peoples emotions and pain. They just don't have it. Maybe they never did and we just didn't realize it.

For example, whenever I would cry (which wasn't often until all this) instead of my stbx holding me and telling me it would be alright, he would just sit there like a bump on a log and let me cry alone. No sensitivity to what I was feeling. Has this happened to you? If he said something that truly hurt my feelings, he wouldn't apologize for it then or even later because he was insensitive to hurting me. I'm sure there are many other examples, but this is just a few.

So there's our answer - the don't have the sensitivity chip.
deleted_user
deleted_user
This is so true! He was never overly sensative, but since this all started...he has none! I guess that should help us because it places some of the blame on them rather than us! I would never wish this hell on my worst enemy, not that I have one, but...one has to lack any sensativity to do the things they do...the cheating, the emotional abuse, ...

We will surprise those assess, because we will not wither and die without them!!!

Many hugs to you, my friend!!!!
dreamsandwishes
dreamsandwishes
I told my STBX that he lacks empathy. This goes right along with the idea of no sensitivity chip. self centered also comes to mind.

Was I blind to these traits for 32 years or did he change?

Hugs to all as we continue this healing process
deleted_user
deleted_user
Chrissy, thanks for this. I really needed this one today. No sensitivity. No Empathy. In my case there is no trying to be friends, but it sure helps with why he is so abusive and hurtful. Hugs.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The sad part (identified by my "better or worse" commitment) is that I think her emotions are locked away even from her. She has issues that she has not dealt with. I'd love to believe that she is an insenitive bitch. (on occasion I can) but for the most part, I think she's a hurt person that doesn't know how to heal.

That sucks, I like hating her more.

As for the 'stay friends' thing..... My daughter told me about a Myspace sticker that I had to share with STBX.

"Someone breaking up with you and saying we can still be friends, is like your dog dying and your mom saying you can keep it." I haven't heard the friends thing since!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes, it seems to be true here also. He was never the sensitive type who would comfort me when I was in pain. He was barely there for me when my brother got sick and subsequently died...he was too busy being selfish I guess. When he told me he was leaving he just sat there doing nothing while I cried my eyes out, and I am not one who cries easily. It was as if he felt absolutely nothing...no remorse, no pity, nothing. So it shouldn't surprise me that, six months later, he still feels absolutely nothing regarding the situation in which he has put me and the children. He said at the divorce hearing that he wanted to remain friends, but any effort to do so has come from me. I thought that if I could keep him as a friend then at least I wouldn't lose all of him...I was wrong. He never reciprocates any efforts to keep our friendship going and apparently doesn't really care if were are friends or not...I think he was just trying to alleviate some guilt. Anyway, I have got to put all of this behind me and move forward without his love or friendship.
pemdcat
pemdcat
Does anyone need a chip I seem to have an extra......that mayb why her tounge felt like the edge of a dull knife......AJJ
deleted_user
deleted_user
pemcat~ I wish you would share that extra chip! Even if you shared it between all of the assholes that come with all of us, it would be more than they have now!
wm98
wm98
As I look back, I've come to realize that for a person to walk away from a long term relationship and their children, is a person that lacks any normal form of senseitivity. I believe in their mind they create a world that is different from reality, therefore justifying their actions.
However regardless of how insenseitive they may be, I have to believe that there are those moments when they face that brief realization of what they gave up, and that has to be difficult.
dreamsandwishes
dreamsandwishes
wm98 do you really believe that our ex's ever face that realization of what they gave up? I struggle with that. I don't belive mine ever has or ever will. He has moved on and I believe that he has never looked back,even for a moment.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Evantually, we all face what we have done. noone escapes.
deleted_user
deleted_user
When my daughter told her father that he hurt her too, his reponse was "I didn't mean to". Lack of a sensitivity chip and so much more missing, and an overabundance of arrogance and narcisistic chips - he didn't think she would be hurt by any of it, just thought she would be happy for him I guess ( in truth, probably didn't even think about how it would affect either one of us). I believe that he faces what he has done every day - and has no regrets - why should he care if we are hurt if we can't be happy for him (him, him, him ...).
deleted_user
deleted_user
Mine pretended to be senstive.. did the arm round me and said it would be alright bit... while he was sleeping with my best friend!
deleted_user
deleted_user
The lack of sensitivity chip is so common with the ones who left the relationship.Someone told me , I believe a therapist, that their lack of any type of remorse or acknowledgement of our feelings is really their own way of avoiding their own feelings associated with their wrongdoings.If they acknowledged our hurt feelings then they would then have to really take a look at themselves.And then it would not be pretty..
After almost three years, my X is just now starting to say sorry for all that he has done.I know that his past actions do bother him and weigh on his mind but now he has to deal with those feelings on his own. It is not my job and I haved moved on.So my point is that I do beleive they all eventually feel some type of remorse of their own but you may never hear them say it or it can take years before it ever comes out.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with calygirl, they are also lacking the introspection chip - cannot look within themselves to recognize their own faults - this is really what they are running from, because we know them too well. My guess is that my ex is depressed and hides it even from himself.

The day will come when I don't care about him any more - sad, huh?
deleted_user
deleted_user
When this first started I told my stbx that he was missing a sensitivity chip and he replied "Maybe I am". When I told him last week that he was commiting adultery every time he was with one of his women, he looked me right in the eye and said "I don't care".

I had to get a dig in from that and told him my therapist told me I had to forgive myself for picking him to father my children.

Friends? No thank you.