Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Yesterday my stbx informed me that not only is he not looking for a job, he's not going to look for a job anytime soon. According to him he is "trying to get a business off the ground and he's putting all his time and resources into getting that done".
Financially this means I'm screwed. I cannot collect spousal support from someone who isn't working, although I'm going to ask my lawyer if the judge will consider what he's capable of making based on what he made last year. I sure hope there is a way to force him to get a job to pay me some kind of spousal support.
On top of that he won't even tell me anything about this business idea becuase (and I quote) "of our divorce situation". He's hiding it all from me probably to keep me from getting anything from him.
I'm telling you something in this man's brain snapped. He was never a vindictive man and I'm starting to think he's doing all this on purpose so I can't get any money from him. 23 years and he wants me to just support myself and our kids on what - pennies compared to what he could give us.
Well, I'm going to do just that. I told my kids tonight that we are on our own and we will be OK. Somehow, someway, I am going to make it all work without his help.
He didn't even want to help fix the suburban which broke down over the weekend. He asked me why it was his responsibility to fix it for us. I told him I guess I was completely wrong in assuming that he would still want to take care of his family and that I would not be asking him for help again. And I wont.
Now that I know where the kids and I stand, I won't ask him for a piece of gum. All bets are off. He's going to get just what he asked for, his freedom. I hope the life he lives is worth losing the three of us.
I'm going to try like the dickens to keep this condo just to spite him. He hates the fact that we are living here. It grinds him to be giving me money for this place, so I'm going to try and hang on to it for as long as I can. Besides, the kids and I are really happy here - it's our home and we've already been uprooted once this past year, not again.
I've said this before and I'll repeat it - I don't know who this man is. I sure don't like who he's become and someday he'll have to live with all these poor choices he's making. I welcome the day I can look him square in the eye and say - "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya".
Financially this means I'm screwed. I cannot collect spousal support from someone who isn't working, although I'm going to ask my lawyer if the judge will consider what he's capable of making based on what he made last year. I sure hope there is a way to force him to get a job to pay me some kind of spousal support.
On top of that he won't even tell me anything about this business idea becuase (and I quote) "of our divorce situation". He's hiding it all from me probably to keep me from getting anything from him.
I'm telling you something in this man's brain snapped. He was never a vindictive man and I'm starting to think he's doing all this on purpose so I can't get any money from him. 23 years and he wants me to just support myself and our kids on what - pennies compared to what he could give us.
Well, I'm going to do just that. I told my kids tonight that we are on our own and we will be OK. Somehow, someway, I am going to make it all work without his help.
He didn't even want to help fix the suburban which broke down over the weekend. He asked me why it was his responsibility to fix it for us. I told him I guess I was completely wrong in assuming that he would still want to take care of his family and that I would not be asking him for help again. And I wont.
Now that I know where the kids and I stand, I won't ask him for a piece of gum. All bets are off. He's going to get just what he asked for, his freedom. I hope the life he lives is worth losing the three of us.
I'm going to try like the dickens to keep this condo just to spite him. He hates the fact that we are living here. It grinds him to be giving me money for this place, so I'm going to try and hang on to it for as long as I can. Besides, the kids and I are really happy here - it's our home and we've already been uprooted once this past year, not again.
I've said this before and I'll repeat it - I don't know who this man is. I sure don't like who he's become and someday he'll have to live with all these poor choices he's making. I welcome the day I can look him square in the eye and say - "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya".
You are going to be just fine! Talk to your lawyer about what to expect. It doesn't seem fair at all. You are such a smart lady. I know you are going to figure something out!
Love ya!
Love and hugs to you, my friend!!!
He'll have his day too, Chrissy - that's a given. You just do the best that you can for yourself and your family right now. You have each other - you'll get through this. You'll be alright - you'll find your way. Here for you - always.
At night when you look in the mirror you can honestly say....I am good, I am a mother, I AM....when he looks in the mirror all he can truthfully say is I AM an IDIOT......throwing away his family for what......IDIOT......sorry I am getting a little pissed myself....
It is amazing to me how these fucktards who destroy the marriages think they have a right to everything and we're just supposed to walk away with nothing. You're right--something in their brains just snaps, if they had any brains to begin with.
Also, if I ever talk about calling him for anything, computer slap me please.
when you need to make a decision. They want a seperate life, they are not going to share what their plans are, what their financial situation is, who they see, what they do. Long term marriages have us in a mindset because of years of being together. Right or wrong that is the way it is. What they want is to be free of us, financially and emotionally. It is hard, but that is the way it is. They do not have to help us legally, some do, some don't. They want us independent from them. Divorced. He is not going to "share" what his business plan is, I would not ask or even show I cared. He wants to hang you out there, don't play.
I have got a number of messages from people about marital support. If you both work and you make about the same amount of money, there may not be any marital support. If your children are not minors, there is not an legal obligation to support them. Should he, sure, but he doesn't have to. My attorney put it bluntly to me, he told me my ex really didn't have to pay anything but the mortgage on the house we owned jointly, the car payment on his car, and any debts we owed. I was fortunate he did give me money, he is and was very responsible. If I went in for temporary support the judge may have said 3 months, gavel bang, get a job. Once you file, all debts he occurs or you do are your seperate obligations. Spousal support is not a given, for any of us. Your income, your situation, what you agree to and the judge all come into it.
What ever your joint assets are will be divided. If he chose to quit his job, it is possible that you will get more of the "pie" so to speak to even out the division. Talk to your attorney. Most attorneys tell you up front what they think the expectation of your chances to get spousal support and what you may get. Listen to your attorney.
As far as this business, my guess there is no startup money, but he may get a business loan that will have nothing to do with you. Quit asking him about that, the only answer you will get is it has nothing to do with you or why do you want to know.
I hope this helps, I may sound a bit matter of fact, but just remember with spousal support, alimony, maintenance, whatever you want to call it, it is not a given. There are a thousand combinations and situations. Earning potential of you, your ages, education, assets, professions. Your attorney will have a reasonable idea what you can expect. Be strong. Concentrate on getting done what you need to do for what you want in this. BIG HUGS
(YES _ I think we'd all agree you'd fall into that catagory!) that may have an impact on possible support or division of assets - just depends on your state and local rules, maybe even your judge and lawyers.
This is a huge deal. It is the rest of your life and your kids life. They are of the age where, while you do not need to express your anger towards their father - you do not need to hide his behavior either. They are also old enough to help support you and themselves. They need jobs and to chip in with expenses for now.
Call the lawyer - or lawyers. Do it now. Separate the emotional aspects from the financial. Write everything out first to keep your legal fees down. Gather your paper work, before doing another things - including posting on here. Be prepared = very well prepared each and everytime you speak to your attorney - keep away from the emotional crap - simply put it as harassment on this date, via phone, in person, blah blad - journal in the shortest most precise detail. Then VENT the nasty crap that scum pulls to us.
I am so sorry you are living this dear. No human on earth deserves such awful treatment.
Stay strong. Do not let fear stand in your way. You will accomplish your goals and live a healthy happy life without the creep. His whys and hows do not matter one wit.
OX
Jeane