I'm sorry this is so long. But the words just kept coming.

My stbx (I guess I can really label him that now) stopped by tonight to drop off money for food (finally). Actually he gave me a grocery card instead of cash. That kind of insulted me -like he thinks I would use the money for something else. He has always had a problem with me going to breakfast everyday. But that's how I start my day, with coffee, breakfast and my book. So I guess he didn't want to contribute to my breakfast outings, just food. But that's ok, the main thing is we have food now.

We talked a little bit about our settlement. I told him why don't we start with at least the things we know we agree on. And he agreed. He also surprised me by telling me that he plans to continue to support our kids. I asked him how and he said with health insurance, car insurance, college funds (not tuition) but things they may need. This is news to me. I told him I was planning on having to support them once the divorce was final which is part of why I was so concerned about spousal support. So that changes things up a bit. We concluded that he should put together a proposal like I did and then we can compare and see where our difference lie and take it from there.

The attorney he went to see (not hired yet) encouraged him to try and work it out with me as much as possible before hiring him to cut down on costs. He told him to suck it up and talk to me to try and bring it as close together as we can first.

I told my stbx that I just wanted this over with as soon as possible and he said "I do too". Only we want it over for different reasons. I need the money and I can only get it once the divorce is settled and he wants it over with to pursue his new life and "friend".

I know I've told all of you that I believe him when he says it's just "friends" but the truth is I'm not that stupid. I really do know better, but it doesn't matter anymore. If she's the reason, than so be it. There's still nothing I can do to stop him from divorcing me. The only thing I wish is that his family believed the truth instead of pulling the wool over their own eyes. They would never believe he could do this and therefore he didn't. The truth will come out someday and I'll be justified. I know that even if his family accepts this woman, Sue, into their fold, our kids NEVER will. He will be crucified by them. So maybe she makes him happy now, but if he wants to truly have a future with her, he'll have to sacrafice his relationship with his kids possible forever. This is NOT me talking either - they've told me many times if they knew their dad was cheating on me, even after he left, they would never, ever forgive him. He would be out of their lives.

He brought up the fact that I told him I will no longer be his friend once this is done and he thought that was ridiculous to even say. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't know how it feels to be so deeply hurt that you feel your life is over. He doesn't know how it feels to sob your heart out every single day for 7 straight weeks. He doesn't know how it feels to be betrayed by the one most important person in your life. He just doesn't get it - I cannot be his friend, I just can't. Not right now anyway - maybe several years down the road I'll be able to see him and feel indifference, but that will be a long time coming.

When he left after our short talk the reality of it all hit me. I know I've accepted that our divorce is going to happen, but the fact that it's started has me feeling like I'm back at square one - so painful for me. I don't harbor any more hopes of getting back together, but I still can't believe that this is happening. I know it's happening, it's a freight train now moving to fast and furious to stop, but it doesn't seem real to me. I just feel numb about it. I sobbed so hard again tonight and I thought the heartbreaking, painful sobbing period was over. I expected to feel sad about it, but I just can't face falling back into the pit I've pulled myself out of.

I don't want this divorce, but at the same time I don't see how I could ever get that loving feeling back. I am so deeply hurt by his cavalier attitude about it all. Like we never even existed and this is just a nuisance to him. 'Lets just get it over with already, I've got a new life waiting'. That's how I feel he thinks about all this. Like divorcing me is no big deal.

I know this sadness I'm feeling tonight is a temporary set back, but the road ahead is going to be rough. It's probably going to get nasty at some point and I really don't want it to. After tonight, I can see that sitting down with him periodically and rationally discussing the end of our marriage is going to be very, very difficult for me.