Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Had a talk with the stbx a couple of days ago. During the conversation he said that the marriage was basically over for him with my first pregnancy 12 years ago. He has said this before but I had always written it off as something he convinced himself when he left to justify what he was doing and I've read it's common for people who leave to say they've been unhappy for years. But combined with some other things that had been said and thinking about it I think it is true for him. I'm sure he loved me but that was when he "disengaged" himself from our marriage and our future together.
This realization has hit me hard. Some questions are answered but the answers are heartbreaking and I am in mourning again. The tears flow every couple of hours again. Any hope of reconciliation is surely gone. And I must grieve that as well. I know I will survive this, yet I feel worse at times than ever before.
I am going to have to work this through in my journal so if you are interested, please read my journal entries and I welcome any comments. I desperately need support, comments and insights. I don't feel there is anyone here in my life I can truly talk to that would understand this. I have lots of support but this is one of those things I just don't feel like sharing with them right now. I know I can count on my friends here so I appreciate your support. I can envision leaning on you guys and getting through with your support. I do have a therapist but she can not be with me all the time so I can only rely on her for some support. I guess I'm just asking for you guys to please stand by me and be patient with me if it seems I am so emotional or living on DS, or writing too much. Thanks.
This realization has hit me hard. Some questions are answered but the answers are heartbreaking and I am in mourning again. The tears flow every couple of hours again. Any hope of reconciliation is surely gone. And I must grieve that as well. I know I will survive this, yet I feel worse at times than ever before.
I am going to have to work this through in my journal so if you are interested, please read my journal entries and I welcome any comments. I desperately need support, comments and insights. I don't feel there is anyone here in my life I can truly talk to that would understand this. I have lots of support but this is one of those things I just don't feel like sharing with them right now. I know I can count on my friends here so I appreciate your support. I can envision leaning on you guys and getting through with your support. I do have a therapist but she can not be with me all the time so I can only rely on her for some support. I guess I'm just asking for you guys to please stand by me and be patient with me if it seems I am so emotional or living on DS, or writing too much. Thanks.
Sending you many hugs!
You are looking too deep. They have just lost their minds and there are no answers. This is the way to justify their behavior. He may have said that a long time ago to justify an affair then too. You will never know. Don't try to understand. You never will and it will just make you crazy. My stbx came over last night and knocked. I thought it was one of my kids so I answered the door in my swim suit while I was on the phone. We both looked shocked. I felt nothing. I didn't miss him and I didn't hate him. It was like a sales person at the door. I felt nothing.
I think I am getting closer to freedom and you will too.
For whatever reason he chooses to do this - you have to let your heart heal and move on. I believe that all of our spouses loved us at one time. But, they don't now. That's what we all have to accept. And, you know what, for me, that's okay. I don't want to live in a loveless marriage anymore. It's not fair to me or my family. We deserve more or will be better off otherwise.
Did you know that TODAY 40% of the worlds population is single? 40%!! People are living longer, more educated and are deciding that they want more out of relationships then a piece of paper and a pay check. And they're so right. It should be more, you know that. Would you want any less for yourself?
I know that your hurting so badly. I keep saying that I know no greater pain then what you're going through. Your spouse's death would have been easier on you. Cry all that you need to. Cry. Get it out. Then move on - cry again. Sooner or later your emotional feelings will start to relate to your rational thoughts and you'll get better. Just know that you really will get better. Warm thoughts of you.
I cry almost hourly and am so fearful of the future. we all here do understand and as nan said grieving our spouses death would most def be easier. thinking of you tonight
I begged him to tell me when he started to feel like this so I could have an idea of what was real and what was false. I wanted to hold on to some good memories. He refused, saying he wasn't sure.
It took me six months of therapy to believe that this was simply not true - and he is lying to justify his affair and running off with my best friend.
IT IS NOT YOU- THESE ARE LIES THEY INVENT TO JUSTIFY THEIR ACTIONS.
It has taken me six months to believe this. With the help of your friends here I hope it will not take you so long.
We all have to learn and look back, taking the blame which we all are responsible for but not for theirs. They are looking for someone else to point the finger at.
I know when my son was killed, I did want to know why but that is not a question that could be answered. But the first thing I just knew was I could not play the WHAT IF GAME. It was not anything that could be changed or controlled. For the most of us this is the place in the relationship that is so hard to accept and we looking for unanswered questions.
Please always lean on us as we lean on you. Be easy on yourself.