For the last month or so, I've been dating a man who, so far, seems to be a contender for a long-term relationship. I'm taking each day as it comes and enjoying the time we spend together without allowing myself to become attached to any particular outcome. Along the way, I've realized something very profound that I think may help many of you here. I've discovered that what I thought I had with my ex wasn't real. I've had my doubts about the 30 years I spent with him, but I wasn't certain that those doubts weren't mere suggestions seeping into my subconscious from all the self-help books and articles I've read over the last two years. Now I feel certain that what we had was an illusion of happiness. Sure, we spent time together, raised children together, and lived together. But, we were never truly connected, not the way I always wanted nor the way that some blissfully married people are connected. I find that, with James, I'm feeling much the same way I did with my ex, not quite fully connected. The caveat with James is that it's very early in our relationship and I feel that our connection is growing. With my ex, it was stagnant. It didn't grow or adapt over time. We married very young, and I do believe that we misinterpreted youthful lust for something more. We attempted to build a life on a weak foundation, and time reaped its inevitable toll.

Because we had been together so many years and everyone, myself included, believed that we were the real deal, I just assumed that we were. So, when actions belied words and I felt a tug of uncertainty and fear, I dismissed it as nothing but momentary angst. When the story I hoped for and wanted to live didn't develop in reality, I filled in the gaps with stories in my mind. I plugged the holes in the dam each time they opened and threatened to wash away the facade we had built. We owned homes and cars, we took vacations, we appeared to the outside world as if we were successful and happy. I ignored the nightmares and the little voice telling me that things weren't right. I pressed on to preserve the life I wanted, never fully realizing that it was all just an illusion. Until now.

I do believe that, at times, we were more connected - especially when our children were little and we were enjoying being parents. But, when life got hard, he withdrew more than usual. I assumed that meant that I needed to try harder, and I did. But, the connection was always just out of reach. I tried to talk about it, but he wouldn't participate. I let it go to preserve the illusion. Then, he met someone he decided was more important than the illusion and he left. I hope, for her sake, that he is actually connected to her. If not, she will suffer as I have suffered. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I recognize in my discussions with James that he is a lot more open and willing to say what's on his mind. I see that we are like-minded in ways that my ex and I never were. I enjoy his company, as much or more than I did with my ex even when things were okay. And while the jury is still out on where this very young relationship is going, I can already see that what we have together so far is real. It's not always perfect, but it's real. If you've watched the Matrix movies, you'll see the analogy I'm making here. I think that in real life, sans robotic monsters, living a real and sometimes messy life is far better than taking the pill to make it appear as though it's perfect. Illusions are okay at times. They can be enjoyable in the right context. But, marriages that are built on tentative foundations under an illusory umbrella cannot last. And, I see now that this is a good thing. I don't want to live out the rest of my life in a daze of smoke and mirrors. I want the real deal.

I suspect that a good many of you here have lived this very same illusion. When you cling to it, your pain and loss increases exponentially. But, when the curtain is pulled back and you see the man behind it, you realize that you aren't really missing anything. Now, you have the chance to live life authentically, without illusions. You can build your new life on a solid foundation. Start with acceptance and let yourself really feel the new life you now live. I'm willing to bet that once you tap into it, you'll feel happier and perhaps even grateful to be free of the delusions. At least that is my hope.