I woke up one morning to a beautiful sunny day, family intact, future looking bright... By the evening my world had turn upside down! My husband, best friend, lover, hero, soul mate, love of my life walked out on me, our two young kids and the 3 month old baby in my belly! I was absolutely blind-sided, although I did have some suspicions that he was falling for a friend of mine. He turned 40 a week later and hasn't looked back. He is filing this week and I asked him what he wanted from the house. His list was... his tools in the garage and shed, the big screen plasma tv with the wall bracket and his outdoor christmas decorations!! No pictures of his kids, no sentimental items, nothing we collected from our travels to other countries...!!! I guess I should be glad he's leaving me everything else (except the house is 50-50) but it really pisses me off that he can just walk away as if the past was nothing!

I see him now and he's a total stranger to me. 22 years together and I knew where he was, what he was doing, who he was with... almost all the time. Now I don't know ANYTHING about his life except he doesn't want me in it. He tossed me away like a used tissue and I was carrying his 3rd child. And walking out wasn't even the worst thing he's done since he left! He's become the biggest asshole I've ever known. I couldn't begin to tell you all the cruel stuff he's done to me. But he got a little taste of what's eventually going to come back around to him yesterday. Since the baby was born 4 months ago, he has spent a total of 45 minutes with her combined! He sometimes just pats her on the head! Well, yesterday he came and wanted to hold her his usual 2 minutes and she cried the whole time! As soon as he gave her back to me she stopped and I could see the look on his face it made him feel like the loser he is!!! It was sad and I actually felt bad for him and text messaged him that night because he moved into his rented house yesterday and I felt sorry for him thinking he just got rejected by his own baby and then he has to go home to an empty house. Well, stupid me... I asked if he was alone and he said "no"!! I know it was stupid of me to even ask but I wasn't expecting him to recover so fast!

Of course today was a crying day. I was so sad and so damn hurt. The hurt is so deep and dark it swallows me up sometimes and all I can think is 'I don't want this, I don't want this. This isn't how it's supposed to be. How do I make it stop!!' Sometimes I miss him so much. Not the ass he is now but my partner that I was so in love with. I miss holding his hand and his laugh. I miss that sense of security when he hugged me and the smell of his cologne. His baby laughed for the first time today and he doesn't even know. He's already missed so much.

Damn I just don't know how this happened. It wasn't supposed to be like this!! I feel an emptiness inside like a black hole that swallows up anything light or good and I go through the motions everyday with a painted smile on my face, telling everyone what they expect to hear while inside I feel like I'm so close to the edge that I don't know if I'm going to be sane the very next second and if I don't explode I'm going to implode! I'm a zombie walking through life pretending to be alive. And I know this deep emptiness will never go away. Oh I know that it gets better (so they say) but the black hole has replaced my soul and it will never go away.

My kids get what precious little is left of me and that's another fallout of the jerks actions. They've had the innocence that I worked so hard to protect and the security we instilled in them yanked out from under them by the very person that was supposed to keep protect them from stuff like that. The bogey man turned out to be their own father. How can they ever get over something like that?

Sorry for rambling on.... thanks for listening!