That's a good question. I don't know. I think forgiveness more of a personality trait than gender related.

Are you a trusting person naturally - if you are than I think you are hard-wired to try and trust again. If you are not, than I don't think you can bring yourself to trust that person again whether they were your spouse, friend or co-worker.

I also think forgiveness is a state of mind, also not gender related.

But as I said above, that's a good question and I wonder what the statistics are now that you've asked it.

In terms of forgiving, I chose to forgive my X right up front. I had had a serious falling out with my brother about 16 years ago (and it took us about 10 years to begin to have a relationship. Still never what it was but we have repaired the damage. So realizing the harshness of a cold heart in healing a relationship, I chose to do the forgiving right up front. It was the best thing I've ever done. If nothing else, for me. It kept me from getting bitter, angry and revengeful.

As far as taking him back. Not a chance. I gave it the best I had to keep it together, and after he asked for a divorce, before I found out about the affair, I did all I could. When I found out about the OW, it was over. I found that my feelings for him had died over the last 2 years of neglect, unkindness, threats of divorce, and rudeness to our children and grandchildren and me. At first I didn't want to be around him but then about 8 months after the separation and 2 months before the divorce was final, I could talk to him and there was a "comfortable feeling - sort of like an old hat" when talking to him. But I found that that "comfortable feeling" was nothing to rebuild a relationship with. And the further I got away from him, the more I realized my life was doing really well for the better.

After my sabbatical, he asked me if we could date and see if there was anything. For "spiritual" reasons, even though I had no desire, I felt it was something I SHOULD do, Maybe this was God's will. So I said ok. It was a disaster. I had no feelings, no trust, no desire to reestablish anything. The spark was gone. Communication was strained. I knew it was over when i found out about the affair and trying to rebuild at this point wasn't an option. He said, "This isn't working is it?" And I said, "No". And that was that.

I can talk to him. I don't really like to because it's still all about him, but it's not uncomfortable and I have forgiven him. I think the earlier you forgive, the easier it is to forgive, otherwise, you build a pretty tall and strong wall of resentment.

As I've been typing this, another thing I think factors in on the forgiveness thing is how ugly the divorce goes. If money and children and assets and everything else makes it ugly and hurtful, then it's much harder. We didn't have children at home and no assets to speak of so it was clean, pretty quick, and not much negotiation. So I'm sure that was easier for me to get over as well. SO I think things like that make it harder to forgive more than gender but I'm anxious to see other people's responses.

Yes - I think most women are more forgiving with betrayal then men. Women carry a natural nurturing ability, that men (not all) don't. What's a "gray" area to a woman - can be "black and white" to a man. Again, not all men and women are the same and I'm not implying that they are. I know some nurturing and caring men that are just wonderful people. But, the bulk to me are not that way. It's cut and dry for them - more then women. I think a lot of men are just products of their own environments. It takes a very strong man to walk out of the accepted "normal" man ideals.

I've seen many "cheating husbands" buckle to their knees when they find out that their wifes have also found someone else. It doesn't make sense to me - but I've seen it quite a few times. To the point of rage!
What's that all about? It's okay for one - but not the other? These aren't real men anyway - that I know. But it happens all the time. What about love and forgiveness?

Sometimes I think that "wonderful women" are attracted to awful guys. And visa versa. Maybe that's also a force of nature. Opposites attract. God has a sense of humor. He didn't want anyone's life to be boring so he thought he'd mix it up a bit!

I do believe that most women have more of a sense of forgiveness then men. Just as most men have a stronger sex drive then women. There are differences between the two - both with their own unique coping skills. Not to say that either could not control any situation in the same way - or equally. That's where character comes into play - not gender. Hugs to you.

I think I could have forgiven a drunken one night stand. He would have had to work very hard. What I can't forget or forgive is the lying and sneaking around that he did. To be in love with another women while he is still sleeping with me and telling me he loved me. He was actually involved with two other women. When I found his cell phone records there were three calls in a row between the three of us. That is just sick.

I hope one day I can forgive for myself and my children. When we have grandchildren I'd like to be in the same room for a party and not have it upset me. I know my kids would love that but I'm just not there yet.

I did forgive last year, only to be hurt even worse. I agree with Chrissy, that foregiveness is more of a personality trait. I have always been trusting, but it's sad to say now I have to work on that aspect of myself because I am afraid of being taken advantage of again.

I know in my situation, my stbx said if the situation were reverse, he would never have given me a second chance and would have thrown me out the door immediately. I am not quite sure if I am stupid or the bigger person.... lol....

I love that part when they get religion, and god wants you to be back together... I mean the cheater.

I just read something on infidelity and it says bottom line a lot of cheaters figure they are not going to get caught. So they did not really think out what they would do if they did. I always say they are thinking below the belt. Not thinking is the key word here.

I also know a lot of the cheaters have their moment when they figure out that they are worse off and want to come home. Like the woman or man they are with is not quite so fun and shiney anymore.

Or they figure out what financially they are going to lose... I know that my ex did not cheat, but if he did it would be for love. He is all about that. He told me once when he was angry what he was attracted to would be a woman who had a job. In my usual smart mouth I said well good luck using that as a pick up line. Might want to check that W2 form before you hop in bed with her.

I am trusting also, and I swear I am not going to end up with another mental case, they are attracted to me. For years I told my good friend the therapist that if I ever get serious he is going to interview the guy along with my girlfriend and see what he sees... Me, the good judge of character, what do I know after 29 years with one person.

Woman seem to always be more forgiving regardless of the situation. I have thought about taking my STB-EX back on several occasions, but then reality slaps me in the face. It might solve a heartache for a time, but would create more heartache in the long run for me. I do believe my husband has cheated on me more than just once during our 22+ years of marriage, and do believe he would continue to do it. I could never be with someone for the rest of my life base on Financial Security!! You have to have the Trust there between the both of you. I am struggling financially very hard right now, but I have my Self Respect, and to me that is more important!!! The days I feel really low, I just open up a bottle of my favorite Red Wine, and get comfortable in front of the Tube with one of my favorite movies...the blues and loniness just seem to disappear!! KT

Nan, I have to say that you have an awesome way of expressing your thoughts, I love it. God does have a sense of humor when it comes to people being matched with each other.
I believe that regardless of gender, people re-enter relationships because of the fear, which is nothing more than the thought of losing something they alredy have or not getting something they want. How many of us at one time were willing to trade our soul, just to gain some relief from the emotional pain. What I have discovered is that I'm not willing to make this trade, because I value my sanity. I know this person I mentioned can and will forgive her X, however will she ever forget and have the ability to trust again?