Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
The pattern is... something comes up or happens to shove in my face my divorce, his girlfriend, my crappy situation, whatever. I grieve, cry, go through depression and over days sometimes weeks I gradually build myself back up to where I'm not miserable and am sometimes even hopeful of the future. Then BAM!!! Something comes along to take me down again and I have to go through this horrible cycle again. Well, it's happened again and I'm feeling like my chest is going to explode from the pain.
My daughter does gymnastics and I got an email from the gym she goes to. It was a forward of an email my ex's girlfriend had sent them requesting some team information for my daughter. She has a history with the gym and it had a lot to do with my ex and I and they weren't sure how to handle the situation. Of course I told them I do not authorize them to give her any info regarding my child and if the ex wants it he needs to ask for it himself but what really got me was the email address. It's his and her name together. I communicate with my ex via email but it's always been his work email so I'd never seen this email address before. I feel like I was sucker punched again. I was doing okay. I even planned on meeting a man a friend wants to set me up with tomorrow. Now I feel like crap again and the pain is back.
It's been 2 years since he walked out into her arms. It was bad. Really messy. She was one of my good friends, I was pregnant, our daughters were best friends, she was married... it was a really traumatic event for me and the kids. I just want to get past it and move on with my life but every time I feel like I'm making some progress something happens and the whole thing is in my face again! I can't get away from it! I would love to move, (anything to get away from the reminders), but I would have to convince a judge to let me take my kids because we have joint custody. I don't think I can make a good argument for one but I also can't afford it either. I can't live without my kids, period. Plus all my family lives here. So moving is not realistic for me. I have asked the ex to move, but he just said we would talk about it later.
I'm doing everything I can to get past this, I go to therapy, I take meds and we are constantly adjusting and changing them to try and find the right mix, I avoid talking or even communicating with the ex unless I have to, I read self help books, I listen to self help tapes, I try and focus on my life and not theirs, I have the children in therapy.... I just don't know what more I can do!! But no matter what I do or don't do I keep getting the situation and the pain thrown in my face! I admit that I am a sensitive person and I'm ultra sensitive about this whole divorce issue. My whole life fell apart when he left. I even lost my job. I haven't been able to find another job in my field so I'm going to be starting a minimum wage job as a receptionist next week. I don't know how we will survive on that income but it is better than nothing for now. We have joint custody of the older 2 kids but I am raising the baby, HIS baby, on my own. He has visitation but he didn't even start that until she was a year old so he never bonded with her and it's obvious he doesn't want her. He actually said so a few weeks ago.
I know he's a jerk! The things he did, the things he said and the way he acted when he left (and since) was so cruel and horrible. I know that! My mom calls him a monster and I agree. So why does it still affect me so much? When do I get to live my life without him in my head and my face all the time? I feel like I'm being tortured!! Help.
My daughter does gymnastics and I got an email from the gym she goes to. It was a forward of an email my ex's girlfriend had sent them requesting some team information for my daughter. She has a history with the gym and it had a lot to do with my ex and I and they weren't sure how to handle the situation. Of course I told them I do not authorize them to give her any info regarding my child and if the ex wants it he needs to ask for it himself but what really got me was the email address. It's his and her name together. I communicate with my ex via email but it's always been his work email so I'd never seen this email address before. I feel like I was sucker punched again. I was doing okay. I even planned on meeting a man a friend wants to set me up with tomorrow. Now I feel like crap again and the pain is back.
It's been 2 years since he walked out into her arms. It was bad. Really messy. She was one of my good friends, I was pregnant, our daughters were best friends, she was married... it was a really traumatic event for me and the kids. I just want to get past it and move on with my life but every time I feel like I'm making some progress something happens and the whole thing is in my face again! I can't get away from it! I would love to move, (anything to get away from the reminders), but I would have to convince a judge to let me take my kids because we have joint custody. I don't think I can make a good argument for one but I also can't afford it either. I can't live without my kids, period. Plus all my family lives here. So moving is not realistic for me. I have asked the ex to move, but he just said we would talk about it later.
I'm doing everything I can to get past this, I go to therapy, I take meds and we are constantly adjusting and changing them to try and find the right mix, I avoid talking or even communicating with the ex unless I have to, I read self help books, I listen to self help tapes, I try and focus on my life and not theirs, I have the children in therapy.... I just don't know what more I can do!! But no matter what I do or don't do I keep getting the situation and the pain thrown in my face! I admit that I am a sensitive person and I'm ultra sensitive about this whole divorce issue. My whole life fell apart when he left. I even lost my job. I haven't been able to find another job in my field so I'm going to be starting a minimum wage job as a receptionist next week. I don't know how we will survive on that income but it is better than nothing for now. We have joint custody of the older 2 kids but I am raising the baby, HIS baby, on my own. He has visitation but he didn't even start that until she was a year old so he never bonded with her and it's obvious he doesn't want her. He actually said so a few weeks ago.
I know he's a jerk! The things he did, the things he said and the way he acted when he left (and since) was so cruel and horrible. I know that! My mom calls him a monster and I agree. So why does it still affect me so much? When do I get to live my life without him in my head and my face all the time? I feel like I'm being tortured!! Help.
You ARE doing all the right things. You always have. He IS a hurtful jerk - a gift that just keeps on giving. Someday soon this will end for you. He should know better - SHE too. She's his gal pal right? Not his wife? Even if she was his wife - she wouldn't be your daughters mother. Calling the school is not for her to do.
Breathe - try to relax and chalk it up to yet another stupid thing they've done. Wishing you peace AND soon!
You have been buried under a great deal of trauma, as I have, as our friends here have, and you are responding to triggers, as we all do.
I remind myself that my husband is no loss.... that he lies, cheats, betrays, and that does help me with the terrible aloneness that I feel. You have been through so much and your shared children force you into contact. What a terrible round robin of pain.
You are doing everything a person can, and it must pay off in time, it just must.
We are here for you in your struggle, and perhaps the answer may be that we all heal at our different rates, and that triggers are reliable sources of pain. Just know that it must ease in good time and that we understand.
I am rather ill today and hope what i wrote made some sense...
You want out? Stay out!!!!!!!! When he comes to the door to get the children, look good and smile. Kill him with kindness. Let him see what he's missing. Say bye kids, I love you. Shut the door. Or better yet, get in the car and drive away in front of him. I don't care if you drive around the block but don't sit at home and cry anymore. He's not worth your tears.
He lies and he cheats. What part of that do you miss? He'll do it to this bimbette or she'll do it to him. They really deserve each other. You're young and sweet. Go and live your new life now. Be the roll model that your children need. He obviously will not be one.
Hugs.
He is a monster..and his parawhore deserves him.
You just have to be feeling so very bad because of the injustice of it all. That has to be what pulls you back into the darkness...It just isn't right when good people are made to suffer the consequences of other peoples choices. Especially when those choices hurt and devastate innocent lives.
I can't even begin to imagine how very frustrating and crazy you must feel to have this woman interfere in things she knows nothing about . She'll never really know the truth..will she? I'm sure she's heard all sorts of lies from him.
Grrrrrr I am angry and hurt on your behalf. Know that you're not the crazy one...tis the others.
And one day...they will see what they have done. Time always seems to catch up with us.
Hold your head high and let the trash be handled by an outside force.
Enormous hugs and best wishes heading your way.
Let me guess...he was a great man and all loved him...he had many friends and was everyones buddy (but yours)...I could be wrong...but I am seeing so much...I am forcing myself to let go...you need to go on that date...I know it will be hard but...you need to...you need more friends...new friends, ones that won't remind you of him...but make sure this is only a friendship time...nothing more you are not ready for all that...He knows his mistake, but he is just thinking of the pleasure he is getting with her, she makes him forget...that is why she is still just a "Gal Pal".
I think he too is thinking you will wait until he gets it all figured out, and then if he chooses too, you will welcome him home with open arms. IDK I could just be talking to my self...but I am reading what I am feeling, so go..enjoy, I think you will find there is much more out there then he and her...I slowly am doing it, and it feels good.
P.S. because I know I am not ready for a new relationship and because I want the next to be all I need it to be, I hang out with women, have a few male friends and they are the ones I chat with on the internet.
Hold your head up high, you are stronger then you think....
I am not a therapist, but I think you need to get really angry. I mean really mad and write out all you feel about him. I have a He is Not a Saint list for when I got sentimental.. In your case it might be why I want to kill him list.. and I am not kidding. Not that you would kill him, I know you all get this as a exercise to work this out. Talk to your therapist about it. He still has a lot of power over you, I feel it. He hurt you and is still hurting you. You might want to lay off the self help books too, just a suggestion, sometimes they do more harm than good.. great you have a therapist, do that.
Find something to do, a new job may help you.. and believe me in this market, a lot of people are doing things at pay they never thought they would. I hope this makes sense I have one foot in bed, I saw this an my heart went out to you. Pmpda is right, I always I knew I was strong but believe me, this made me realise after this, I can do just about anything, handle anything.. and believe me I had my crying jags big time..
You can do this! Best to you!
Hang in there and keep taking those steps forward! You have come so far!
Love and hugs!
This is a great big hug of solitude and support for you. So much good advice and support offered. You are doing the best you can and when there is continued hurt hurled at you - it reignites a need to deal with it and causes emotions. So sorry for you. You are doing the very best you can and you are seeking support and help. So glad you have the support of family. I hope you can do something just for yourself this weekend that is something you thought you'd like to try or do -- just because you are worth it!
For me, one way I got over him was to admit that thinking about them only set me back--it didn't hurt them in one way. I had to realize that allowing them to monopolize my thoughts just kept me back. Now when I find my mind wandering to them, I stop, say "Don't think about that fucktard" and find a new activity to refocus my attention.
Therapy and meds will help but only you can decide if you are going to continue to allow this pain to dominate your life. At some point, you just gotta let it go.
Sending lots of hugs of strength. You can do this.
I have no consolation.
Here is what gets me through the toughest times. I heard it on the radio. Don't despair when your life is full of trial and tribulation. It is simply a test of your faith.
In times like these, my faith is all I have. It's faith or die. It gets me through.
If you are not religious, you can still have faith. Faith in the universe. Faith in the eternal order of things, in a huge system of LIFE that carries you through. Your actions are like teardrops in teh ocean. Your life itselfand role are but a very small part of the whole thing.
In fact, they do not mean so much except to define who you are. You can accept all this horribleness with grace and dignity. You CAN do that small and great thing. So have faith that YOU can continue to be a good person and that is all you can do. It's enough. Have faith that the universe/God will take care of the rest.