I have to go to work myself, and on the run.. but quickly, do not let what he tells you get to you, and why listen? Tell him you are divorced and you do not care what he is doing and with whom! Why put yourself through that.. try sticking to talking about your daughter, and if he digress, hang up!

I had a college degree and no kids, and the ex wanted me home or traveling with him, so I did not work all the time. Then when we were in divorce mode, he wanted me to go back to work! He often said things like you could have been VP of whatever and he told me that when we divorced, no one would want me with no job! I told him, make sure you find someone and check her W2, buy her a good mop, and good luck, woman our age are not going to "blend" their money with yours so easily.. and since I got a big part of his salary for a long time, make sure she know your net worth. I added, amd make sure she can duck, when your temper gets the best of you!

Hold your head high, live with integrity and do not ever compare yourself to someone like the ex ends up with. Believe me, you will not care after awhile. AND you are only going on what he told you about her.. she may be a big liar! Concentrate on you, and although I know this is blow, and remember, what goes around usually comes around, maybe they deserve each other. Work at your life, and give this some time to stew about a bit, and then forget him and his petty crap.. you are wonderful person who deserves to live a great life. Work on that! A BIG HUG!

Please let me rephrase your statement. It proves that your ex man USES women for their paycheck rather than being loving. The operative word is "use". There is NOTHING loving about that! Thank your lucky stars you are free to pursue someone else who is able to love...and know that love is an action word.

"Never contributed". Could someone please explain to me WHAT you have to do to contribute? I had that thrown at me repeatedly--as hard as I try to get past it, it still rings in my ears.

I have been divorced for almost a year. The ex is on GF #3. I think he planned on marrying each of them. No contact is the way to go. He has no right to tell you anything so don't let him. Stay away from him. He clearly is enjoying being abusive to you and the last thing you want to do is contribute to his pleasure and your misery. You can do this. ((((Hugs))))
Diane

I really dont know how they determine the "Never Contributed" thing. After my first divorce...same man as the second....he wanted to l start over so I rented out my place and moved to a different city..where he was..to do just that...start over. So..after a year or so...we used my credit to buy a little house to start over in...it lasted just under 2 years before he wanted another divorce. The deal was...he paid the mortgage and I paid all the utilities, insurances and food...bearing in mind I always worked a full time job. When it came to settle our finances he truly believed that I didnt contribute and that he shouldnt have to buy me out of this house...after all it was him that paid the mortgage. OMG...when you add up all the other stuff that I paid... it equalled more than what he paid each month in the mortgage. Go figure. To top it off...since he was making more money than me I was entitled to a small income supplement. He went ballistic when he heard that. So...I stuck to my guns and told him there is no way I could support myself on what I earned and until he bought me out of this house there was no way I could move out. The amount I wanted had included the 4 years of that small income supplement. He wanted his freedom so bad he paid it...it was just enough to pay off all my debts and put a down payment on the little house I'm in now...and this house is twice the house at a much better price than the one he over paid me for. Since then he was fired from his job with little prospects of finding another especially with the benefits he had. My heart goes out to him.

The last thing you want to spend time on is trying to figure them out...thanks for that one MsTerey and Cowgirlkathi...it took a while to sink in but it finally did. Nothing they say or think is logical. Please dont let there warped thinking interfere with who you are...what your doing or where your going. I struggled with those same demons for a while until I realized they are so messed up...why would I take to heart something someone so bent would say. The proof is in the pudding...take a look at where you are and put it aside there's...which life would you want? I lived with my ex for 24 years...I know what life would be like if I was with him right now. I'm loving my peace and quiet...my sanctuary and not going from one crisis to another. I think if you really take stock it what you had vs what you have now...you will see the blessings. Big Hugs...Kathy

Let's just face it, there are a lot of men out there that TAKE FOR GRANTED everything a loving wife does to make their lives easy -- and most of us did it WHILE WORKING A FULL-TIME JOB, TOO! For 21 years, I worked an hour away from home AND still kept the household running, did all the cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, errands, accounting AND took 100% care of our horses and small animals, kept the lawn mowed (2 acres, I might add), weed-whacking, mulching, YOU NAME IT! I even had my OWN TOOL BOX because (since he made 4 times what I did) I had to teach myself how to fix all manner of things around here. HE kept after me and after me until I folded my graphic design business in 2002 -- and then every other word out of his mouth was detrimental. He never missed an opportunity to take a jab at me in public with comments such as "she lies around on the couch all day watching Oprah" -- which I NEVER DID -- not even when I was sick!
I was just re-reading parts of a book I picked up several years called "The Self-Esteem Book." In one section it talks about MORALLY BANKRUPT people. The Morally Bankrupt have been bitten by the "Money Bug" and when that happens, all integrity and common sense flies out the window and it is a bright, neon sign of a person with very low self-esteem!.
My interpretation of this is that when your H or stbx or X tries to DEVALUE you in terms of dollars and sense, what he is really saying is that HE HAS VERY LOW SELF-ESTEEM and is having to dig pretty deep in order to TEAR YOU DOWN -- if you succumb, then in their sick minds, they are "worth" more than you! Such NONSENSE!
I'm with the others here -- REFUSE TO LISTEN TO THIS B.S.! Other than visitation schedules, at this point, you shouldn't be giving him an audience for ANY REASON! I would hope that after 3 years, NO CONTACT would be automatic for you.
Give it another try. Let this roll off your back. You are much better off without a slug like your X.

Shorty, you got a good point!

I too heard that from my ex and I laughed in his face. I knew it was my ex's sick perception of not wanting to acknowledge my contribution. And I didn't care if I just mopped the floors! It is indeed a brain washing tactic! I say, you can't listen to the fool's definition. What the fool says, don't make it true. After all, the courts legally sees you as a partner....and that my friends, makes you valued.

tobywinn...YES...you are so right...I never thought of that. The courts over ride anything our ex's think or say...its the courts that place value on what we've done whether we worked outside of the home or in the home or both. There's our validation of our contributions...we dont need anymore than that. Big hugs...Kathy

grrr, I can just about blow a fuse when I hear that women do not contribute to the household at all. Well, buster if we wives were paid what we were worth, your paycheque would not be enough. I read somewhere that if we were paid according to job description, we would be earning in the tune of 250,000 and up. Yes, I did not add extra numbers. So the next time stbx tries to put you down, just say that is nice and walk away. We know what we are capable of doing and we do not need it in writing from anyone. Are you sure that stbx is on the level with all his paramours. I got a funny feeling that he is just bragging to make himself look good.

Some of them just want it all. You are to be the mother, the person to run the household, in charge of the social calendar, and to work and bring in big bucks too!!!

Mine had the same mentality. I had a college degree and he didn't, so that bugged him, and what I made from substitute teaching went into the household fund. He then made a point of saying how I didn't contribute, especially AFTER I went back to school to get my Master's. I could have made more money then him and he still wouldn't have thought it was enough to cover the wants of his lifestyle, but he knew that attacking my "contribution" to the household $, he could undermine me, so he did. We all know that raising kids takes a lot of energy and devotion. Being married to a cop, I dropped everything to cart his tired ass around when he had been working nights and had to attend court dates during the day, and the commute was about 50 miles one way. Then when he started talking about OW. you would think she was heaven sent. She worked a "real" job and would inherit her parent's house. You get the picture. But any reason he gave to blame me for his infidelities is moot. I just didn't get it then, and he knew I would brood and feel responsible and badly if he pointed my "shortfalls" out! Of course, now I see them for what they really are. I hope you do, too. I was a good wife and he was a shitty husband and dad, we had good times but it's over and I can now remember the good times with a smile on my face because I know I did the best I could with the what I had. :) Be good to yourself, okay? Like the others here said, don't let him determine your self-worth. He sucks.

Its weird to me to read this. The income I earned was one of the issues that led to our divorce. See, my ex was always the breadwiinner until about 2 yrs prior to divorce. Then I started outearning him. I make close to twice the amount he does. His ego just couldn't handle it.

Thank you to all who took the time and helped comfort me in my struggling. It is just so hard knowing that you lived your life to the best of your knowledge for myself and in God's eye's (although, I am FAR from perfect). I ask for forgiveness everyday for divorcing my EX but knew I had to for my children's sake and my sanity. Tonight he called and started out the conversation with, "I know you probably aren't going to answer me but how much money do you make". I am sure he is going to take me back to court to have the child support modified as I am working now since the child support judgement. I told him that I wouldn't tell him. He went ballastic and called me a "F###### Bitch". I hung up on him. I make half of what he does and probably his new girlfriend. He doesn't pay his half of my daughter's monthly medication that he is mandated to do. I also paid for her glasses out of my pocket up front. When the insurance check came in, it was to him as he carries her insurance. He took the damn check and bought my kids their Christmas presents. He is also the scum who drained both of his children's college accounts and they were in their social security numbers (tax fraud). Needless to say, if he wants to modify the child support that is his right. But I will also go after all that is deserving of me including numerous items he sold prior to the divorce. Oh yes, I will hold my head up high. Live my life as I want to live it and know that I will one day have glory:) Thanks again for listening!

Lori47: Your statement brought to mind a sarcastic thought: Tell your stbx "Since he doesn't work, he makes no decisions". How's that for role-reversal. LOL!

Mbstone: I just noticed your post. Please, please, stop talking to this toxic person. No contact. Screen your calls.

Yes, definitely look at your caller id and don't answer. Talk through your attorneys. You can talk to us.