Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
This is probably going to end up being rather lengthy, thanks for indulging me and I would appreciate any thoughts....
I received notification for a mediation date. Now so far, my stbx has agreed to several of my wishes other than the house. That may sound like a big item, but it's not really the biggest for me - my biggest thing is my retirement accounts. He blew through his, and I don't feel he should be able to blow through his and still get half of mine. He's agreed to not make any claim to them if he doesn't have to account for where all HIS money went. I kept very detailed financial records, so I know who had what and I'm satisfied with that agreement. His attorney suggested a "settlement conference" - which appears to me to be different than formal mediation and I don't know if it would be more advantageous to do that or go for the mediation. It's not until October (seems like forever). I live in a no fault state - so it's strictly property settlement here. I guess what I'm afraid of is that what has already been agreed on might change if we go to mediation.
As far as the house goes, realistically - in this economy - particularly in my area where thousands of people just got laid off from a major employer (stbx being one of them last year) there is no equity in the house and we're likely upside down at the moment. And selling it for what we owe is highly unlikely. He has found work, probably making way less than he was, but has CHOSEN to stop making the house payments (because I did not agree to pay half of the payments). But yet thinks he has the right to continue to live there. Taking down my credit rating along with his (yes, he's a manipulator). It never seemed to be as important to him as it was to me (as with most things in our marriage). But, one day when he wants to buy something and gets turned down because of bad credit, maybe he'll get why I was so fastidious with our finances. He couldn't stand it when I was right about ANYTHING.
Anyway, we have had no direct contact since the end of May. I really don't miss him, don't want him back - or pine for "what we had" because obviously we didn't have much of anything for a very long time. He was never my "best friend" and really, at this point, I don't feel like I lost anything except my credit rating.... that probably sounds cold, but I was on the receving end of so much emotional abuse for so long - I see now I checked out emotionally a long time ago. Defense mechanism I suppose. And, on the other hand, he has not given any indication that he would like to work things out or fix anything between us. I tried to get him to fix things while I lived there. He wouldn't even admit anything was wrong, or make any effort to cooperate so I finally had to give up. I can only conclude that he's wanted this for a long time, but just never wanted to be the "bad guy". Can you see "communication problem" here???Didn't seem to bother him a bit to help me move out...... not that I was trying to get a reaction or anything - I'm not a person who gives ultimatums. I don't play those games.
I've read some of your posts about the let down, or the depression hitting after the divorce is final. Did anyone feel relief? I guess that's what I'm hoping for (relief) please give me some hope. I feel like once that door is closed, I can open the window and let the rest of my life in. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete zombie - I've had some REALLY bad days, but the last year and a half that I've been away from it (and yes, with a little help from medication) has let me see things from a different perspective - I was grieving for the IDEA of my marriage, what I thought it should be - and even though I shouldn't care what other people think - the embarrassment of it all. We were the ones that "made it" 30 years - great job - woo hoo - pat on the back..... I'm getting over that. LOL
I've been composing a list of questions for my attorney about all this settlement conference/mediation business. Don't want to nickel and dime my retainer away - so I try to make it count.
I appreciate anyone's thoughts - you guys are so good at seeing things objectively and coming at them from different angles - just want to be as informed or "educated" as I can be. There's probably questions I'm not thinking of. I know I should trust my attorney and I do.... but I have this need to have all the information and make my list of pros and cons... I'm only getting one chance at this and want to get it right.
So - that's where I stand on this fine Sunday morning.. contemplating....
I received notification for a mediation date. Now so far, my stbx has agreed to several of my wishes other than the house. That may sound like a big item, but it's not really the biggest for me - my biggest thing is my retirement accounts. He blew through his, and I don't feel he should be able to blow through his and still get half of mine. He's agreed to not make any claim to them if he doesn't have to account for where all HIS money went. I kept very detailed financial records, so I know who had what and I'm satisfied with that agreement. His attorney suggested a "settlement conference" - which appears to me to be different than formal mediation and I don't know if it would be more advantageous to do that or go for the mediation. It's not until October (seems like forever). I live in a no fault state - so it's strictly property settlement here. I guess what I'm afraid of is that what has already been agreed on might change if we go to mediation.
As far as the house goes, realistically - in this economy - particularly in my area where thousands of people just got laid off from a major employer (stbx being one of them last year) there is no equity in the house and we're likely upside down at the moment. And selling it for what we owe is highly unlikely. He has found work, probably making way less than he was, but has CHOSEN to stop making the house payments (because I did not agree to pay half of the payments). But yet thinks he has the right to continue to live there. Taking down my credit rating along with his (yes, he's a manipulator). It never seemed to be as important to him as it was to me (as with most things in our marriage). But, one day when he wants to buy something and gets turned down because of bad credit, maybe he'll get why I was so fastidious with our finances. He couldn't stand it when I was right about ANYTHING.
Anyway, we have had no direct contact since the end of May. I really don't miss him, don't want him back - or pine for "what we had" because obviously we didn't have much of anything for a very long time. He was never my "best friend" and really, at this point, I don't feel like I lost anything except my credit rating.... that probably sounds cold, but I was on the receving end of so much emotional abuse for so long - I see now I checked out emotionally a long time ago. Defense mechanism I suppose. And, on the other hand, he has not given any indication that he would like to work things out or fix anything between us. I tried to get him to fix things while I lived there. He wouldn't even admit anything was wrong, or make any effort to cooperate so I finally had to give up. I can only conclude that he's wanted this for a long time, but just never wanted to be the "bad guy". Can you see "communication problem" here???Didn't seem to bother him a bit to help me move out...... not that I was trying to get a reaction or anything - I'm not a person who gives ultimatums. I don't play those games.
I've read some of your posts about the let down, or the depression hitting after the divorce is final. Did anyone feel relief? I guess that's what I'm hoping for (relief) please give me some hope. I feel like once that door is closed, I can open the window and let the rest of my life in. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete zombie - I've had some REALLY bad days, but the last year and a half that I've been away from it (and yes, with a little help from medication) has let me see things from a different perspective - I was grieving for the IDEA of my marriage, what I thought it should be - and even though I shouldn't care what other people think - the embarrassment of it all. We were the ones that "made it" 30 years - great job - woo hoo - pat on the back..... I'm getting over that. LOL
I've been composing a list of questions for my attorney about all this settlement conference/mediation business. Don't want to nickel and dime my retainer away - so I try to make it count.
I appreciate anyone's thoughts - you guys are so good at seeing things objectively and coming at them from different angles - just want to be as informed or "educated" as I can be. There's probably questions I'm not thinking of. I know I should trust my attorney and I do.... but I have this need to have all the information and make my list of pros and cons... I'm only getting one chance at this and want to get it right.
So - that's where I stand on this fine Sunday morning.. contemplating....
You are very articulate and have thought this out. You sound proactive in the divorce and your attorney sounds good. As to mediation, not everyone does this, only if you can not come to an agreement. My experience is that many people start out with a settlement meeting as your attorney suggested. This is often to see where both parties stand, and what they want, and if you can work to an agreement for both of you. If it doesn't work, you can go to mediation. A settlement meeting is by far the more economical option and you may resolve this with one meeting. It sounds like you know your financial situation and are a realist about the house, and realize that dividing assets is also about the debt. No fault is more about the filing and cause to divorce. No fault state does not mean that your assets will be divided 50/50. Talk to your attorney about what a reasonable expectation of what you may gain or lose in the divorce in your state. My best to you, you are doing well!
As far as this settlement you are talking about -- and let me first remind you that the FINANCIAL SETTLEMENT in a divorce has very little to do with whether or not your divorce is fault or no-fault-- I am a bit confused by your use of this term. In Maryland, where I live, after one party has officially filed for divorce and the other party has responded (usually through their own attorney) some preliminary paperwork goes back and forth and within a set amount of time, both attorneys will go before the local judge for a Settlement Conference. This is just to give a statement to the court as to what stage the negotiations are in and to go ahead and schedule any necessary hearings that may be required in the interim between filing and getting a final divorce.
Now Mediation is a whole 'nother thing and how it is handled in your state can be different from where I live. Here, you can seek the assistance of a mediator on your own and pay for sessions in which you and the stbx sit down and try to work out all the financial and child issues without having attorneys speak for you. Most of the Mediators around here ARE attorneys, but they have stopped representing clients in divorces and have switched their efforts to being mediators instead. ONE CAVEAT that is important to know about (at least in Maryland) even if you and the stbx are able to come to COMPLETE AGREEMENT about all things from your marriage, YOU STILL NEED INDIVIDUAL ATTORNEYS to go over the final Mediation Agreement BEFORE it can be filed in the courts.
Now, on the flip side, if you CAN'T reach an agreement with a Mediator, on your own or with just your lawyers shooting back and forth, here there is what we call ONE LAST CHANCE. If a certain amount of time has passed between filing for divorce and one year, and if there is still no settlement, then the Court will order you and the stbx into Court-Ordered Mediation. This is because the courts really don't want to be involved with dividing marital property. Most of the court-ordered mediators are RETIRED JUDGES from around our state so they have lots of experience. Worst case scenario, you get ordered into this kind of mediation and it's a failure, the next step is to get on the schedule for a TRIAL. This is the way my divorce went...after 15 months of trying to negotiate with a terrorist and a court-ordered mediation that fell flat on its face, my attorney went right down to the clerk's office and got us a trial date. Ugh. And it was three months from the day she secured the date. I thought it would NEVER be over...but it was eventually.
Now, you say you worry that "things you have already agreed upon will change when you go to mediation," Honey, the ugly reality of this is that EVERYTHING is subject to change UNTIL you get a settlement agreement signed, sealed and delivered. That's why I am always drumming to GET YOUR OWN ATTORNEY and FORGET TRYING TO DO THIS BY YOURSELF. A legal document is the only thing that will hold water -- anything else is just idle chatter. So my best advice to you would be to just drop back and let your attorney do his/her job. Your stbx sounds like a real hardhead -- and he isn't just ruining YOUR credit -- his is going to be in the toilet as well. Your attorney CAN get some temporary orders in place to keep you from going under in the time between now and a final divorce.
get moving, my dear!