Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
For the last 20 years I have had thanksgiving at our house. That's all my kids have ever known. This year of course it's going to be different but the kids and I are still having Thanksgiving here at our house. My sister-in-law is having the whole family at her house and invited the kids and I to come. She pleaded for us to be there stating it won't be a holiday without us. I wrote her back a very nice response saying thank you but the kids and I already have other plans. She understood.
Today, my daughter and I were at my nieces baby shower. She is my stbx's sisters daughter. My daughter and I sat with his sister and mother and everything was great until it was time to leave and my mother in law started pressuring me and my daughter to reconsider coming for thanksgiving.
I told her it would be too awkward and she replied "it doesn't have to be" and I replied that it would hurt too much. After a really nice time with everyone at the shower, that started me tearing up and I had to get out of there quick. I said my goodbyes to everyone (with tears in my eyes) and my daughter and I left.
Tonight I get an email from my stbx putting the guilt right in my lap. He wrote:
C,
You know that you are more than welcome to come over to T & L's for Thanksgiving. Our situation doesn't mean that you are not still part of this family. Everyone would love to see you and the kids there.
I hope you reconsider for everyone's sake.
J.
He also sent this message to our daughter's email address therefore putting pressure and guilt on her too.
The thing is they want us there because it will make THEM feel better especially my stbx, but no-one is thinking of how it will make me feel. What am I supposed to do, celebrate the holiday's with his family like we always did when he's made it clear that I'm no longer part of his life.
What is wrong with these people - or is it just me. Thanksgiving is going to be hard enough this year without having the added pressure and guilt thrown upon me because I choose not to go. And of course, they'll blame me when our kids don't show up either. Even though I've told them they can both go if they choose to - they both said NO.
My stbx did this. He choose to eliminate me from his life and I want him to suffer to consequences on Thanksgiving day by not having his family there. Maybe it will finally hit him as to what he's done.
Sorry this is so long - I'm just venting and hurting. I don't need this from them. Can't they see that it will never be the same again and it's not my fault - it's their son's.
Today, my daughter and I were at my nieces baby shower. She is my stbx's sisters daughter. My daughter and I sat with his sister and mother and everything was great until it was time to leave and my mother in law started pressuring me and my daughter to reconsider coming for thanksgiving.
I told her it would be too awkward and she replied "it doesn't have to be" and I replied that it would hurt too much. After a really nice time with everyone at the shower, that started me tearing up and I had to get out of there quick. I said my goodbyes to everyone (with tears in my eyes) and my daughter and I left.
Tonight I get an email from my stbx putting the guilt right in my lap. He wrote:
C,
You know that you are more than welcome to come over to T & L's for Thanksgiving. Our situation doesn't mean that you are not still part of this family. Everyone would love to see you and the kids there.
I hope you reconsider for everyone's sake.
J.
He also sent this message to our daughter's email address therefore putting pressure and guilt on her too.
The thing is they want us there because it will make THEM feel better especially my stbx, but no-one is thinking of how it will make me feel. What am I supposed to do, celebrate the holiday's with his family like we always did when he's made it clear that I'm no longer part of his life.
What is wrong with these people - or is it just me. Thanksgiving is going to be hard enough this year without having the added pressure and guilt thrown upon me because I choose not to go. And of course, they'll blame me when our kids don't show up either. Even though I've told them they can both go if they choose to - they both said NO.
My stbx did this. He choose to eliminate me from his life and I want him to suffer to consequences on Thanksgiving day by not having his family there. Maybe it will finally hit him as to what he's done.
Sorry this is so long - I'm just venting and hurting. I don't need this from them. Can't they see that it will never be the same again and it's not my fault - it's their son's.
He's an ass!
There is no right or wrong on this subject and you have to look out for yourself and do what you want. Hugs
A marriage of over 20 years ending is now a "situation".
You've had a lot change thrust upon you this year. Here's one thing that you can control. You can have Thanksgiving at home with your kids like you always have. You are not hurting anyone by doing this.
We have also been invited to my husbands cousins for xmas eve (annual family affair) and they know I wont go and the kids will not go if their dad is there. So sad but that is all his doing. I dont know if I will go to that but I will send the kids so they can see all their cousins
You definitely have to do what will make you feel as comfortable as possible. the holidays are so tough as it is now
xoxoxo
I have my suspicions that well meaning family sometimes think something along the lines of lets just pretend this is not happening and also they think sometimes that if they can bring you together, you or he might reconsider and not do this. Like they have all that power to bring that about.
Maybe get a Thanksgiving card, a simpley stated one, my new place is the dollar store, ones there say, just Happy Thanksgiving on the inside. Say Thanks for the invitation, but I have other plans, mail it and forget them all. Hugs!
You do what is best for you and your kids and don't let thoughts of his feelings or anyone else's feeling play a role in your decision! What an ass!
Sorry, I guess I am still angry, huh!!!
Unfortunately, I think the majority of folks suffer from the same affliction.
It would certainly make THEM feel better if you would just suck it up and PRETEND that what is happening is ok and that you all can just go on like nothing odd happened.
People are crazy.
And the sad truth is, if you do anything to protect your feelings at this time (because no one else is), you will be criticized by these emnotional lame-brains for it. The only sane person in this "situation" (you) will be called all sorts of sickening things (bitter, crazy, mean, etc.).
It truly is sick and it is just one more sign of how utterly stupid our society is or has become.
Big hugs to you Chrissy. I understand totally.