Hang in there I feel much the same- but right now I would not worry about having someone else but getting to the point where you are ok with yourself. Try to enjoy your grandchildren. When my husband left I was left in the house alone- also left to take care of it and the mortgage- it can be so lonely- we need to go out and make friends and do things we enjoy. I definitely felt the same it would have been easier to have dealt with a death than to know he does not want to be with you. But as my mother keeps reminding me- he is not home crying.

Honey, you are NOT selfish or horrible! You are a person in emotional pain, trying to understand something that seems incomprehensible! I totally get your comment about him dying being somehow easier; after all, we ALL know that one day we will die, or our spouse will die, and we`ve at one time or another pondered that notion. But for many of us who were completely taken by surprise when our spouses departed or cheated or whatever the circumstance, we may NEVER have anticipated this happening! It`s likely the biggest shock we`ve experienced in our adult lives.

You are NOT far into this hon. Don`t expect so much from yourself. And PLEASE don`t get discouraged when you see posts from some of us 'òlder`members still asking questions or dealing with old or new issues. It's just that we've been around for awhile and seek answers on this forum just like we might ask a friend for an opinion. It does NOT mean that 'we' are suffering hon...at least not in the way that you are so early on in the divorce process.

Let yourself off the hook. You are going to be going through a lot in the coming weeks and months, and the emotional rollercoaster is perfectly normal. Unpleasant (!) but normal!

Re your question about journaling, use your journal to document your feelings or talk about events in your everyday life that you DO NOT want posted to an open forum because only your forum "friends" can read your journal.

Hugs to you hon! You WILL start to get better, but you have to go through it to get to the other side. And you are "in it" good honey! It's early days. If you are coping with life, going to work and functioning at a reasonable level (outbursts of crying are normal when you're with friends/family or at home for instance) then that's good enough for now. Counselling and a support group will greatly assist your recovery. YOU WILL have a good life post-marriage. I know it's hard to imagine now, but believe all of us on here. It's good on the other side! HUGS!!!!

Hi Donna, I understand your fears. I had to overcome my own before I could leave my ex. I hadn't lived alone properly in my entire life. Just wanted to say, I'm loving it. I've bought my own place, decorated it my way with my special things. I cook and eat whatever I want. I watch what I like on the tele. I keep my garden and house neat and tidy, and take pleasure in them. I invite people I like into my home and share meals, love, fun and laughter with them. Then when I feel a bit lonely, I draw on those memories so I can make myself feel better. I think you're in for a pleasant surprise:)

love and hugs
kamary

Hi Donna,
It’s just not easy at times.
These feelings come and go .
When I read that you'er living close to your Grandchildren .... I said to myself : How lucky she is to have that .....because I don’t.
You have them !!!!!!!! Be thankful for that .
I know that you have the pain, but don’t forget the blessings ... And God bless you !!!! You’re going to be fine ....Bob

PS. I can’t say much more my dear.................... I’m having one of the worst days/night that I had in a long time . Not doing good at all.

BTW- Your Grandson looks just like you in your picture . I laughed when I looked at it . SO CUTE !!!
(First laugh that I had in about 2 or 3 days.)
Take care ..Bob

Hi everyone,
Thanks once again for the amazing support and advice. You are all so special and wonderful. I needed the encouragement so very much as this week has been so hard. I ache whenever I think about my husband leaving me and still find it incomprehensible. I have also been beating myself up again thinking about how it is my fault as I threatened, complained and nagged my husband so much because my emotional and affection needs were not met. I have learned through therapy that I needed someone who could make me feel loved because I was very insecure due to a narcissistic mother and my husband couldn't provide that for me because he had low self-esteem due to a very cold, unaffectionate and critical family. I feel like I am not being truthful to all of you because so many of you have said that I did nothing wrong but I really did. I even told him once that he was a loser (don't remember why) and a low-life because he started cursing a lot and I never cursed in his presence. My daughter said she saw how horrible I was at times to him and my son says he remembers at an early age how my husband was cold and pulled away from me when I tried to show him affection and that he felt bad for me. It is amazing that they have such different memories living in the same house. I realize that we were not compatible and should have never been married but it is hard to let go of so many years.. I need to move on with a new life but all I can do is think back to whatever good times we had and of course there were many. I still am fearful and wish things were back to the way they were even though it was not ideal but it was all I knew. My therapist says to focus on the bad times so I can move forward. I wish there was only a forward button in our brains during these times. My friend who has been divorced now for 7 years told me it is like childbirth - you remember it was awful but don't actually remember the pain after awhile. I sure hope so! Thank you so much for saying that life does get better - I am counting on it! And I plan to stay in my DS family until I can tell someone new those same words someday.

Everyone of you is special and loving and I am blessed to "know" all of you.

I feel such a relief that I confessed the things I did to destroy our marriage and wish I could change it. But even if I was a perfect wife I still think the marriage would not have been one in which we had a true friendship and emotional connection. Too much baggage from our childhoods. This I finally learned through therapy and my Rebuilding class. Someone on this forum (I think it was iammine) recommended the book, "Rebuilding Your Life..." by Dr. Bruce Fisher, which is the book used in the class. It talks about how the experiences of our childhoods are responsible for our divorces.

Bob - I am so sorry you have not been doing well lately - keep writing on the forum so we can offer you some love and support. Happy that you at least had a laugh! Thanks for the compliment about my grandson.

HUGE HUGS TO YOU ALL,
Donna

Therapy is tough work and I always left sessions not feeling all that great. You are doing all the hard work to get through this. I'm proud of you.

It does feel good to get your thoughts out. You wouldn't be the first who asked for attention and affection. I did, too. At most, he would manage to do it for 3 weeks and then go back to treating me like I didn't exist. Like you, I asked in as many different ways as I could and I tried nagging and getting angry, too. I don't know if you were on this site when I posted about "doing the pretzel"? I have tried every trick in the book, Sciteacher, and he still treated me like I was worthless no matter what I did. I reckon you could turn your guilty feelings around and say, "I tried everything and he didn't respond". I'm sure you tried softer and more loving ways as well. It was always ulitmately his decision whether he would listen to your need and at least try to be loving. So no need to feel bad. You did the best you could in a difficult situation which was out of your control.

Bob, I'm sorry you're having some sad days. Chin up, my friend.

love and hugs
kamary

Good Morning Donna,
I'm just sitting here at my computer so I thought that I would "JUST" say good morning to you.
I still smiled this morning when I looked at you and your Grandson . So much a like !!! So cute.
I know that you're off this week and sometimes not being busy can get to you . God. that has happened to me so many times .. So, I thought that I would try to start your day off with good wishes. I'm really not that smart ..... I would like to say : Old and wise, but ...................I'm only old .... LOL,, I've made some mistakes and bad choices in my "old age" . LOL............... Yes, I'm kind of laughing this morning !!!!!!!!! I don't know what the next hours is going to be , but NOW ... I'm fine .. LOL....
Donna , why don't you go shopping today (If you can) .... buy yourself something that you wanted to get before, but didn't ....... or maybe something for the Grandson...Grandchildren . Sometimes donna we have to force ourselves to get out . I do know that laying around and moping can only get worst . I'm an expert at that ! LOL ......... Really try to get out ........
Anyway............................ Just wanted to say hi .............. and that you're a nice person......
I wish you well today .................
God Bless Bob

You can read my journal if you want . I'm going to write something new ...

Donna,

I think that in any marriage, or any relationship period, we each make mistakes that we later regret. It's part of being human. Nothing you mentioned in your post is unforgivable or so heinous that it justifies ending a marriage. Remember that we all took vows to love each other "for better or worse." Worse always makes it appearance. It takes two very committed people to honor those vows. That's the key: 2 committed people. If only one is all in, the marriage cannot survive.

I went through a terrible guilt phase myself. I thought I must have done something terrible to deserve this. My ex tried to convince my children that I was evil, and for a time, I believed I was. In the early days of our separation and divorce, I couldn't fathom any other reason for his cruelty and betrayal. In time, though, you begin to see the whole picture. You will, too. I've learned that it's just as important for us to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made as it is to forgive our exes. Perhaps even more so.

I've also learned that no matter how good something might be, whether it's a relationship or a new car or a situation, it's never permanent. Nothing is. Sometimes relationships just run their course. We cling to them because it's familiar, which gives us comfort. But, holding on to something that no longer exists will only bring us more pain and keep us from the new and wonderful things yet to come. Having said that, I still have days where I do exactly that - cling to what was. But, those days are getting fewer and fewer. They will for you, too.

I'm so very sorry that you are struggling with this. I know the pain you are experiencing, and I wish I could do more to help. Just know that you are loved and that we are all here to help as much as we can.

Wishing you peace, comfort, and happiness.
Kim

This is SO NORMAL. It is sad that it takes so long to process and get rid of the pain, but please soldier through. It's worth it. Keep reading, keep journaling, keep writing on this site to share your thoughts. It helps to get support and know that those of us ahead of you went through this. Don't beat yourself up. And please, don't feel guilty for being human. None of our marriages were perfect but to take all the guilt on yourself is not good.

I didn't want to be alone either. I was married 32 years. I knew I also didn't want a relationship in the mindset I was in. I focused on healing myself so that when the time was right, I was a healthy, happy person so I could find a healthy, happy person. So keep working. You'll have setbacks, but every time you soldier through, you are stronger and you start to realize that every time you process the pain, it is shorter next time.

Counseling helps you get all that stuff out. You can't complete heal until you'll pulled all the yuk out of your life. In divorcecare they say it takes 1 year for every 4 years you were married. And that is if you work through it. I work with some people that have been divorced 20+ years and they are still angry and bitter and hateful. That is not where you want to be. Just know it takes time. It doesn't mean it will be that long before you are happy because as you process, you start to see the changes in your thoughts and heart. Look at your new home as a gift. You can now work towards your new life. That includes time to read, relax, rest, grow, heal, decorate, invite friends over, and maybe find a new passion that brings you joy. You can do this!

Lots of hugs,