Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Today, I finally realized that I cannot get juice from a rock. Although I have spent a lot of energy trying to do just that. Here is my story I want to share with you:
For years the man I loved had been plotting. He had fashioned, formed and fused a weapon that he planned to use against me, all the while luring me into a happy place full of pink ponies and rainbows, leading me to believe that he loved me. Then 3 month ago he finally mustered up the courage to take his craftily designed weapon, draw back and swing – hitting me squarely upside the head. The blow knocked me out and blinded me, nearly killing me. It reverberated into my heart so that I couldn’t eat or sleep, or think clearly. I staggered around desperately grasping for some sense of the familiar, knowing that my world had just changed drastically, but quite unwilling to accept that my normalcy was gone. The sole desire I had was that the pain would go away; that I’d be healed to see again. I thought about murdering him and the OW. Or perhaps I should finish the bottle of oxycodone, an old prescription, but not too old to finish me off? Could anything possibly make the pain go away? I want to be vindicated.
When my anger toward him and myself is abated, my heart is overwhelmed with sadness. I feel worthless and used. I was a loyal, devoted wife who sacrificed my own dreams for his. We spent 20 years building a reputable business together and my contribution was invaluable. So much for reputation – word is getting around our small corner of the world as people witness the new couple together at stores, restaurants and bars. His lack of discretion greatly increases my shame and pain. Where is justice?
For him to throw away 28 years of marriage without giving me a voice in the way it would end was beyond what I could absorb. I am living in a dream. Nothing is real. How do I even know what is real anymore? Who can I trust? Is it ever safe to be vulnerable to another person? Who is this monster I have been married to? Will I ever awaken from this nightmare? Some days are unbearable, others are better borne, but my heart remains so. so sad.
I have been reading posts on this site for a few weeks now and have been receiving strength from your experiences and honesty about what I am facing. Without which I would have much less hope. One day, I will be in the position to strengthen others as well. I know that day will come, but in the meantime, thank you for being here for me and for others, like me - victims of such calculated evil - who may be reading the posts, but not sharing simply because we don’t have words yet, or the soundness of mind. You all have given us a gift. I receive mine with immeasurable gratitude, and already consider you valuable friends in my healing and recovery.
For years the man I loved had been plotting. He had fashioned, formed and fused a weapon that he planned to use against me, all the while luring me into a happy place full of pink ponies and rainbows, leading me to believe that he loved me. Then 3 month ago he finally mustered up the courage to take his craftily designed weapon, draw back and swing – hitting me squarely upside the head. The blow knocked me out and blinded me, nearly killing me. It reverberated into my heart so that I couldn’t eat or sleep, or think clearly. I staggered around desperately grasping for some sense of the familiar, knowing that my world had just changed drastically, but quite unwilling to accept that my normalcy was gone. The sole desire I had was that the pain would go away; that I’d be healed to see again. I thought about murdering him and the OW. Or perhaps I should finish the bottle of oxycodone, an old prescription, but not too old to finish me off? Could anything possibly make the pain go away? I want to be vindicated.
When my anger toward him and myself is abated, my heart is overwhelmed with sadness. I feel worthless and used. I was a loyal, devoted wife who sacrificed my own dreams for his. We spent 20 years building a reputable business together and my contribution was invaluable. So much for reputation – word is getting around our small corner of the world as people witness the new couple together at stores, restaurants and bars. His lack of discretion greatly increases my shame and pain. Where is justice?
For him to throw away 28 years of marriage without giving me a voice in the way it would end was beyond what I could absorb. I am living in a dream. Nothing is real. How do I even know what is real anymore? Who can I trust? Is it ever safe to be vulnerable to another person? Who is this monster I have been married to? Will I ever awaken from this nightmare? Some days are unbearable, others are better borne, but my heart remains so. so sad.
I have been reading posts on this site for a few weeks now and have been receiving strength from your experiences and honesty about what I am facing. Without which I would have much less hope. One day, I will be in the position to strengthen others as well. I know that day will come, but in the meantime, thank you for being here for me and for others, like me - victims of such calculated evil - who may be reading the posts, but not sharing simply because we don’t have words yet, or the soundness of mind. You all have given us a gift. I receive mine with immeasurable gratitude, and already consider you valuable friends in my healing and recovery.
the feeling of worthless and of being used is half right.
you were used
you were used because you have worth, worth at your core that the creepweed lacks
love and hugs
kamary
My heart breaks for you. When you wrote that you do not know what reality is and could you ever trust again is so normal for our situations. I was married 33 years and dated 5 years before and never loved anyone else. I had total and complete trust and faith in his love and loyalty. He ended our marriage (and we have 3 grown kids and 2 baby grandchildren and a 4 yr. old grandson) over the phone and threatened that he would leave the house if I came to talk to him. I spent at least 3 months on a medical leave in shock. He was not the person I thought he was. Apparently he had been miserable for a very long time and said to my daughter that he wasted 40 years of his life on me. But he wanted to marry me - he broke off our engagement and then came back pleading to marry me. What a facade! I should have seen the signs but of course I didn't (most of us want a happy marriage and put blinders on). I think I would have done anything to make it work. But he "wanted out" as he vehemently yelled over the phone.
Well - here comes the good news - If I have recovered and I'm back to work, made new friends, changed my attitude, go out and meet people at groups to play games, eat out, take walks at parks, etc. I have quite a group of nice ladies in my neighborhood who are divorced or widowed. I really am enjoying myself. I still miss the life we had raising a family but we all have to look ahead. "If you spend so much time looking at the past you can't see the future" or something like that is a saying I recently heard and really liked.
Don't worry - you'll be ok if you try and set your mind to feel happiness but it does take time. I am only 18 mos. post-separation but have been doing ok for awhile now. I am so proud of myself but I read so many support books, went to numerous support and counseling groups, had a therapist, spoke to my best friend who was divorced about 5 years ago and tried to think positively. Well, I am hoping to become more insightful and fulfilled as a single woman. My next wish is to meet a loving, fun person to go out with and enjoy the male companionship. I know you will slowly feel better. It really doesn't devastate me anymore. If he didn't want to be with me anymore then I don't want him because I want someone who wants to be in my company and is happy to see me. My ex was always miserable and depressed-looking. His only happiness was his job and our children. So maybe what has happened to us IS for the best in the long run.. We have to make ourselves happy and love ourselves. So yesterday I was feeling a little blue (I was getting over a virus) so I went to Charmin' Charlies and bought myself some costume jewelry to wear to work or to go out to dinner, etc. I felt a little guilty but I am going to do things for myself now. You will get there. First thing is to seek out books, groups, people who have been there too, our DS group, therapist, etc. DO IT ALL! You will definitely feel better that there are so many people just like us.
Take care and keep in touch.
Hugs,
Donna
You're story is so familiar to me - and others here too. The shock, depression, anger...it's all perfectly normal.
And the incredible pain that cuts like a knife and feels like it just won't go away...yep, have had that too! Re the pills.....I think it's normal to consider this crazy option. Your life as you knew it is over which equates to....just finish the job off huh? But you KNOW this is crazy and you won't go this route. You say it yourself at the end of your post, that you'll 'be in a position of strength' one day again. That is RIGHT ON! It really will happen.
You're grieving but funny thing about grief......it lessens with time. Human beings have an incredible life force that keeps propelling us forward, and grief has to pass to allow us to do just that.
Your vindication that you seek, well that'll happen when you start realizing that your new life, your new SINGLE life, that is centred on YOU and YOUR HAPPINESS...well that can be pretty darned fulfilling! There's bumps, you'll makes mistakes, you'll miss companionship at times....but you'll also start to appreciate the incredible freedom that comes from losing the other person that you had to compromise with, fulfill HIS wants and wishes at the expense of your own....etc.
Re his 'flaunting' his new relationship around town: this in NO WAY shames you girl! Don't talk crazy! It's HIS shame if it's anyone's !!! Don't you think lots of folk are looking at him and just shaking their heads?! I bet they are! And anyway, he is prancing around town because he so desperately needs validation that what he has done is "real". I bet LOTS of people are actually avoiding him! If you live in a small town, then I do understand that it's hard to try to avoid where he might be...it would be devastating to see them together! I actually moved away because the whole area for that very reason - best thing I could've done! But that's not always an option or the right move for everyone I do get that.
Honey, give yourself time. The healing after a long marriage and the shock of betrayal is a process that just can't be rushed. Many of us here have been down the same road. We get it. We're here for you. Write and vent whenever you need. It sure helped me! Two years post-divorce and three years 'out' (separated one year) and I'm doing great. I still have twinges of hurt and anger, but for the most part I'm a WAY happier person than when I was with the ex. He was a cynical and unhappy human being who, for the most part, just brought me down. I didn't see it so much when I was in it but divorce brings some great perspectives after you've done the time.
I've rambled enough and it's late. I'll be watching for your posts! hugs of support (())
Donna, I am inspired by you! You should be proud of yourself. I am getting there, too. I have been through a lot of pain and I am beginning to feel better, slowly. But it is hard not to worry that I will always have to deal with the devastation. I am trying to equate the experience of the emotional pain with that of physical pain. Rest and patience seems to help to heal both. I hope in 15 months, I will have as positive an outlook as you do.
Iammine, I do live in a small town. Plan to get out of here. I have a contract with the school district that will be over in June, and then I want to leave. In the meantime, I have time and a place to process and heal, but that also means facing him periodically. I saw him this morning though, and it didn't affect me like times in the past, so I know that I am healing. My main question is. . . where do I go? I want to get away from here. My kids all live at least 300 miles away, and my extended family is in another state, so nothing is holding me here. We live among his family who are all quite supportive of me and they are embarrassed and upset with his actions. He is avoiding them as well.
I like your avatar picture - I went sea kayaking for the first time this Christmas with my kids. The picture is on my profile page. Can you see it, Iammine?
I am thinking about traveling around in my car once my job commitment is over. I love to do that. Maybe taking a year or so. Has anyone done that? Or is that a topic for another post? I debate whether or not I would be to lonely, but after watching the movie "Wild", I thought maybe being out on an adventure could be pretty cool for healing. Any thoughts?
I like to go to a quiet beachside place and stay at the same place for a while, relaxing and walking and occasionally looking around there.
It took me a while to realise what my ex had done, too. I didn't even realise he had an ow till I saw him with her weeks after I moved out! We live in a pretty small town but it must be big enough because I rarely see him or the ow, or even the friends who dropped me. My daughter and her family live here, so I will stay as long as she is here.
Who knows what the future holds? I guess I'll just go with my gut until it tells me to do something else.
love and hugs
kamary