Your doing the right thing. Seeking counsel is a must if you are sure divorce is inevitable. You have to protect yourself. Hope your anxiety tonight lessens and you are able to sleep. Today was a big day. (((Hugs))) to you.

It's your "irresponsible spending" stbx who SHOULD have fear when he sees that you got your " legal team" together....as you should. If he sweats, shakes in his shoes, and cries like a baby, it will be him not sleeping at nights for thoughts of living in a shoebox . Think of having your legal representation as an investment to PROTECT you. ....by all means, is the only good choice. Just take a chill pill, relax, and watch your bulldog fight your fight.

You made the call, and the appt, and that is big step. Believe most of us, it is worth it and try and get in the mindset that you do not have to tell him anything, anymore. My lawyer served my ex with a formal letter of appearance, letting him know I retained him. He told me he was going to do that, he says he always does it when he it retained, and my ex and I had already filed jointly, on our own, months before that. He told me to tell him in a few days, and then his paralegal filed it faster and my ex was blindsided. He was really angry, but in a way, was a good thing, he knew then I was not going to do our divorce, and he hired an attorney right away, one he had a consult with. You can't do this yourself. We did some of it, but believe me, if they do not want to even talk about the settlement, you have to an attorney. It is one of the best investments you will make.

You might want to call your attorney's office and ask what financial papers he may want to see. His office staff usually knows. You will have time to fill out a financial statement, a disclosure. Called different things in different state. You will have time to do this. One step at at time.

And to the emotional, I give people that are out working everyday a lot of credit to deal with this while they hold down a job. I did not work at the time I divorced, and that credit I give to my ex also. It is hard, and I had a few meltdowns at my athletic club and a volunteer venue I worked at one day a week. Take care of yourself and use it as an good distraction, your job. I tell people I work with now, it is hard, but when you walk through the doors at your job, try and forget what is going in the relatioship and divorce. You have plenty of down time when you are not here to think about it! There is not much that you can do at work anyhow about what is going in the divorce! You sound like you have a good attitude, whatever that can be in a divorce, and the most important thing is what I always say.. keep it business to get the most you need and want to live after divorce. Getting a lawyer what that is for, and support or therapy to help with the emotional. Fall apart after the divorce, but stay on track to life your life. If you want to thrive after divorce, you will! A BIG HUG!

Can you tell I worked all day.. typing too fast, and do not have on my glasses! Sorry for the typos!

This might help you. Many on this site have shared it before. Sorry it is so long but the information is valuable.
We all walk beside you Yorkieluvr

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand. - can be applied to any major life change, such as divorce or a death (widowhood) . . . will take some longer than others to get through it. If you're unraveling all the damage / web weaved from emotional/psychological abuse, it will take longer. My doctor warned that it can take two, five, ten years to recover from a divorce.

NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

But the stress from your emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe you're bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. You're unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Your nerves are frayed. You can’t sleep. You can’t eat. Your thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault you without warning. You cry at the drop of a hat.You feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes your energy and your life until you feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

As you feel yourself sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when you will hit it, and if you will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years.

What you’re feeling is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

You need to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

Learning about your myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.

Below you’ll find a little of what you're probably experiencing. You may shift from one reaction to another, or you could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if you return to previous states many times.

Most importantly, remember at all times: You have been traumatized.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. You don’t believe it. This is natural. You trusted him and don’t want to believe he is who he is. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Your senses are dulled. You go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to your day-to-day life.

REALITY: “Oh my God. What really happened?” You feel you're getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on you and you're buried beneath them. You don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that you feel shamed by thier behavior. So, you may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Consider therapy as a means to help yourself through your trauma, but never accuse yourself of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.”

CONFUSION: You're disoriented. You can’t think straight. You become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual you go to a room to retrieve something, but once you get there you can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to you. Be gentle with yourself. Know that you will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that your confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: You may sleep or eat too little – or too much. You may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. You may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. You may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or your digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure you check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Try to eat well and to exercise – but don’t beat yourself up. Try taking long walks. It’s a good way to ease yourself into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever.

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow yourself time for tears. They can help. Let yourself “get it all out.”

SELF-CONTROL: You control their emotions to fulfill your responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to your grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. Allow yourself to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means you're storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if you suddenly lash out . . . at what happened, at him if you haven't gone NC, their new SO (if that is the case), or even yourself. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: You will ask lots of questions. Your curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

INJUSTICE: You feel it’s all so unfair. If your ex immediately replaced you, you may want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. You may harbour a secret desire to do harm to him (or her) and his/her affair partner. You may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your relationship is an agony that has been thrust upon you. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

INADEQUACY: Your self esteem is shattered. You feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, you feel crushed, discarded, and devalued. So, you question your own value.

REPEATING: Over and over again, you review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop yourself. Repeating helps you to absorb and process the painful reality. The more you know – the more you can repeat the complete story – the faster you process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, you may have to start the process all over again. (I think this is learning, identifying the unpredictable behavior of the character disorders)

IDEALIZING: Sometimes you remember only good memories, as if your time with him (or her) was perfect. You long to live in the past, before the train wreck, before you came to reality.

FRUSTRATION: Your past fulfillments are gone. You haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. You feel you're not coping with grief “right” or you feel you should be healing faster. You don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. You wonder if you will ever recover and feel better.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward him (or her) are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if you redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for him or her toward his/her paramour (if a new SO is in the picture). Expect your anger to surface periodically, and give yourself plenty of time to work through it so you can eventually let go of it. Understand that until you’ve worked through and exhausted your anger, you cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but your zest for life has not returned. You are in limbo, you are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. You are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and you are unable to plan activities for yourself.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and your feelings do not always synchronize with reality.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back your pain as intensely as ever. It feels like you’re caught in a loop as you relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make you fear sleeping. Triggers can cause you to question if you will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever is associated with your x. Never cling to anything that bothers you. It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for your entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that you should be “over it”. What you've been through is real and is truly history and cannot be denied or ignored. You will learn to deal with the triggers and heal from the trauma. But you will never erase what happened.

Thanks for posting that 4changes.I haven't read that before and yes it is ringing bells. I am a financial counsellor - am paid by the government to help people in financial stress. Today my first client said to me "I was going to ring you and cancel and then kill myself"..She was serious. She had been married for 30 years and has been separated for 6 months. I'm so glad the next appointment cancelled so we could have 3 1/2 hours together, sorting out if she should keep the house, move somewhere else - you all know the drill. I ran out of time to mention this website though. She was in such a bad way. AND she was still making excuses for him. I'm glad that I am further along that path and it does get easier. But a good reminder of where we sort of started out down this path.

You did the right thing yorkieluvr...one of the first things I did was call my lawyer...on both divorces. The first time it was tough...I still had this sense of loyalty to him and I felt like I was being underhanded and sneaky..I felt guilty. It turned out to be the best call I ever made. I think that if 2 people can agree on the financial part of divorce without lawyers...that would be great but first you have to know what the laws are and what each person is entitled to. It seems the one that is doing the leaving seems to try to avoid being fair on the financial part. With my 2nd divorce...same man...after the initial shock I went into business mode and took care of my end of things. Since I had already been through it 3 years prior...I knew the drill. He was not a happy camper on both divorces but it was fair. Hang in there...better days are coming...Big Hugs...Kathy