I am not there yet. We aren't separated, but I do wonder about this. I know that she believes that my life will be MUCH better off than hers and that her standard of living will decrease (she is/was a teacher but has no job and is going back to school to become a therapist). I don't know if that is really true or not.

I want her to be happy. I am sad that its not with me. But that's not going to stop ME from trying to be happy. As a codependent, we have a bad habit of comparing ourselves to others. We convince ourselves that we are less than everyone else. I am trying hard to break that pattern in my head.

So, as I move forward.. I am going to focus on ME. Not her. I am going to do the kinds of things that I want to do, travel to places I want to go, build strong relationships with my kids and have the kind of life that makes me happy. And if I can do that, I will be able to look at her life and say, "Wow. She is doing great.. I am happy for her. She is a good person and deserves it." but that will not have an impact on me because I am doing what I want to do. Right?

I know.. sounds good on paper. Can I really do it? I sure hope so! Wish me luck.

I think the key is to focus on YOU. What do you want to do with your life. Where do you want to go? What kind of friends do you want to have? What kind of experiences do you want to build within your life?

If you think about these questions and honestly answer them, you'll probably realize that what you want isn't what your ex has or is doing. You want what you want and that's different.

Just my two cents. Take what you like, leave the rest.

it does sound easier said than done. Sometimes i guess i want him to regret or pay back what he has done. It just seems unfair that he leaves and goes on to have a happy go lucky life while i struggle. Just my two cents on this topic too.

I have been around here for a long time, and I can fully understand and appreciate where you are going with this. I have been told many times from others on here that it may appear he is happy and enjoying life, but we will never know. I agree that we must live our lives for us. Since I have been doing that, the obsession about him is lessening. It creeps back in once in awhile, but then I realize that if he could "screw" me like he did, he will screw the OW and the next one and the next one as well. Will he ever have regrets for what he has done or lost? I will never know. People who lead these liives care only about themselves. He obviously can look in the mirror, he has been doing it for a long time now........

I really don't care what he does. I know he is doing well because I know where he is working and who he works for. He will treat the poor new wife the same way he did his first wife and me.

"him again" is a Narcissist and a passive aggressive manipulator. He will smile at you as he stabs you in the back and sets up situations where he can watch as you struggle to figure out why everything is going wrong.

I don't obsess about what he is doing and whether he is happy or not. I'm sure I will hear from him soon because that is why he is "him again". The happier he can try to be the better for all of us.

I am with Trisha. I know he lost his gravy train when I left him and now I think he and Wallpaper Woman will have a hard time making ends meet since neither is really employed.

No. It's not my forte to create fantasy delusions about the ex having fun which opposes the horrid truths of who he actually is. Regarding the ex relationships , I'm wiser to the type of "fun" that comes with a hidden cost [loss].

Obsessing might be based on your view of ex as "ideal " and therefore is highly "desired". ....which needs to be re adjusted. Be very careful in pretending you desire what seems to be unattainable. It's a red flag indicating the unavailability from that person! Big difference! It may be time for you to knock him off the pedestal and change that image. Yes, it is a struggle working with the painful truth. It's doable. The pay back you receive for other people's injustice, is willfully give yourself permission to remove your precious self away from their presence. Injustice is not rewarded by your presence. Learn to be OK with that!

Once you really let go.. you do not think about an ex spouse or worry about their happiness. Work on yours! It doesn't matter if they think about us, or if they have remorse and my guess is they do not.

This takes time, and my wish for all, is to not be years down the road, still thinking about this. Look at it this way, if they do not want to be married to you, and you are divorced and you are letting someone take up real estate in your brain and your time.. he has power over you, and you still have none over him!

There is always a lot of talk on here about abandonment, runaways spouses, betrayal, anger... that kind of thinking makes you a victim. I hope my ex finds the happiness that he did not have with me at the end. I know that I am happy.. let it all go and work on your happiness, and don't worry about his! Take the time and do the work and you will be happy and not be thinking about him... HUGS

Yeah, I agree. I am tired of thinking like a victim. Its time to shift into a new place. A place of opportunity.

I hope that I will be in a place in the future where I am so happy with my life that when she does find someone new and she finishes her Masters Degree, I will be truly happy for her and when I hear about it, I will think, "Good for her. I am glad that she has found happiness in her life. BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I HAVE TOO!"

Sorry.. I am in positive mode today. Bear with me, I'll probably spin around the grief wheel tomorrow back to the disorganization or anger stage tomorrow. :)

It's funny that this topic came up today because I feel like I'm stuck ruminating about how much happier he is and with no responsibilities etc. But then I'm with soccermom - he's not growing and changing - he will do the same thing to her that he did to me eventually and the next one and the next one, unless she puts up with it like I did for the next 30 years LOL.

Why do we do that? Crazy...stuff.