First of all, pat yourself on the back for having such a close and open relationship with your son.

I think you know the risks here or you wouldn't be asking. For one thing, like you mention, if this is what they do in front of you, they are still going to have secret lives. For your son, it's probably drinking more heavily than he admits when he is not around you. That's just how teens are.

I was an A student full-time in college, worked 2 jobs, involved in many extra curricular activities, like your son, when I was 19. I also drank pretty heavily. I had limits about drinking and driving, drinking alone, drinking to avoid problems, etc. They may have saved my life, but they didn't protect me from other issues that arose. Any addiction, even recreational beer drinking (or "partying," as we called it), has its price and I'm sure I don't have to list the risks for you.

I will put strong limits on my teen's drinking in the home just like I do on their video-game playing, etc. now. It's the wrong path and I want him to know I don't approve. There is a better way. I wish my parents had that talk w/ me back then. If he does drink here, it will be no more that 1-2 beers. That's my limit now and there is no reason to get wasted or drink more. It's as stupid as eating a half gallon of ice cream in one sitting. I won't encourage it. Also, I'm not going to let him drink w/ friends here if he's not of age. It's not the example I want to set. In fact, many of my friends drank wine throughout their divorce as an escape. I'm glad I am not doing that and keeping a clear head for all the decisions I am making.

My biggest concern is about YOUR safety. You might be putting yourself in a dangerous situation with grown men getting drunk in your house. What if they get violent or even sexually aggressive? What if they decide to drive and won't listen to you because they are drunk and belligerent? What if someone's parents come after you for encouraging underage drinking in your home? What if your stbx finds out and uses it against you? What if it escalates (as drinking always does) and bring a bad element or dealer into your house?

There is something about your note that reminds me of my X. He would drink at home in his room. He did not care about the effect of his actions on his family. Eventually, he grew into a many who never learned that he should not do things in his house that make others uncomfortable. This led to him getting drunk at home and scaring me throughout our marriage. Once he had this habit with his mother at a young age, he continued it in his marriage. Eventually, it led to violent outbursts and an arrest. At that point, it wasn't just drinking where he overstepped. He just did not have the radar that should have said to him, this is making a woman (his wife) uncomfortable and scared in her own home so I shouldn't do it.

I know your son is a great kid and not like my X. What he is doing seems normal and innocent. But he does need to learn from you that it is YOUR house and he should not EVER do anything that makes you uncomfortable or puts you at risk in that house.

I think you need to set some limits on what is done in your own house for your own safety. It will also set some limits and good role modeling for your son.

I know you are afraid for what he will do if you drive a wedge, but failing to set limits because of fear is never a great idea. He has to learn to make good choices AND respect your boundaries, not worry you with illegal activity that puts you at risk and compromises your values in your own home.

I don't judge you though. You asked for advice and this is mine, but you alone are the judge of your own situation. I find praying and meditating and journaling help me find the best solution. I know you will do the right thing if you follow your heart and conscience.

Best wishes and congrats again for being an awesome mom. At the end of the day, that's the main thing.

I agree, pat yourself on the back for having that relationship with your son. I believe in keeping the lines of communication open. If he knows he can come to you and tell you things, he will. I do also agree that boundaries are important and your concerns are valid. Good luck!

Wow Chrissy this is sure a grey area IMO. I know he is a great kid and this is normal but it does put you in jeopardy if you let underage boys drink at your home. He is being responsible about the driving and friends and understand you must feel he is safer at home but why would you change your morals or parenting if STBX is there or not. I at first thought the same about it is ok but after reading other post really made me think. I know if he was out on his own you would say don't do it. So I think I would also have to say no as it is the law and that doesn't change. Hard but I also think you have to change it back to a black and white issue darling. What if it was just a little pot ? Stick to your Mothering values. Big Hugs/Much Love!

I can't help but think of the old saying ...give em an inch and they will take a mile... I think as parents we have to stand firm in our convictions. they are minors.. if you dissaprove you need to clearly state that...do they drink at your house...is that not illegal.. allowing minors to drink at your property..isn't that you breaking the law allowing that??? just a thought.....

Thank you for strong sound advice. I will put my foot down a little harder and I agree with all of you. "What if it was just a little pot". That hit home because then it would be a totally different story.

I just thought I was having concerns because I dont drink at all - not ever and I thought I was just being a prude.

Thank you.