Yes deener31, even if you want the divorce it is difficult. I am the kind of person who likes to plan things. When I can't plan, I worry. It's odd because even if things don't go as planned I just adjust and carry on...it's just that I need a plan is all. You hit the nail on the head when you said it's the unknown. Hang in there. Most of the time the things we worry about don't ever happen.
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I did read your journal. My daughter is like your friend and cannot take stress and drama. It takes a few days for her to get over it. I'm glad he was honest with you. I know your marriage pretty much ended some time ago and now you are both just making it final. But I really really truly believe it is best not to get into a romantic relationship with someone until you have divorced and worked some stuff out. You seem to have a lot going for you so I don't think it will take you a long time

Thank you Misred. Thank you for not judging me or my recent actions. This other person is a truly good person and I don't think I have ever met anyone quite like him. I do try to understand the distance he put between us and his logic for doing so. I just come around to that fear again for not knowing if he will still be there for me after the divorce and my time to sort it all out. Right now, how I feel, I don't want to let him go. I am giving him time though and I am trying to surround myself with people for support. I have a friend in another state that I met through a support site and she got her divorce 3 year ago. She counsels people for dealing with divorce and she actually does it through her church. She is giving me strength and friendship. I do appreciate you for responding. I feel better this evening than I did this morning and afternoon. I am overwhelmed with the amount of items I have to get out of the house. Trying to rationalize the use versus wanting to hold onto clutter. I want to hold on to most things but know I don't have enough storage space. It is like I am being forced to give up stuff right away instead of gradually through the years. Maybe that is a good thing in a way. Some day I will get a dog. Only when I am more settled within myself. I will just stick to houseplants for now. Today my husband has shown his true colors this morning and tonight. He is a mean person mostly around me and nevr lets it show around others. When someone gave me a link to a site, I realized I am a slight victim of domestic abuse. The STBX has played around with my emotions and psyche. He has subconsciously manipulated what I do at times that is all tied in with his want of control. Wen he has no control over certain situations, that is when his anger comes out the most. I am the one in the cross hairs. Looking back, I know this was happening even in just our courtship. I just never connected it to anything or even saw it.

You are an intelligent woman so I think you probably know about rebound relationships. That is my concern for you right now....and it is possible the man you like could have that concern as well and wants to wait and see if it is for real. He also has something at stake here.

Your wrote about your friend counseling at her church. It may be the Divorce care program. I hear a lot of great things about it so I highly recommend it.

RE: stuff. I hear you. Before I divorced we had a yard sale and got rid of stuff (not knowing we were going to divorce a year later). Then I got rid of lots of stuff when I moved. I joked that I couldn't even fit a toothpick in my last car load it was so full. LOL I have not missed anything I let go of and on occasion I come across something I even forgot I had.

A pet is a great idea. You are wise to wait until you settle (((HUGS)))

Hi Deener. I'm glad you decided to talk here. I haven't read your journal yet. (I'm on a timetable this morning.) Fear of the unknown is huge, and you're already doing the things that help you cope until you are actually in your new home and the divorce is finished. Keep a list of what needs doing and work through all the jobs you want or need to do each day. Your attorney can keep you informed about the financial side of the agreement. I found being alone at first was a huge relief - so good to get away from my primary source of unhappiness. It was later that I actually felt lonely and reading up on the subject helped me come to terms with it. The trick is to like yourself, so spend some time getting to know who you are and what you want your life to be like. If you need company, call someone. Most people don't mind a telephone conversation, and lots of ladies like to meet for lunch or coffee. Start up old hobbies or new ones, read, walk, eat properly, and take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually, and you'll be ok.

With the emotional upheavals, I used to go with the flow. Whatever emotion comes up, let it be. Sit with it and let yourself think all the thoughts that come into your mind. Cry, beat rugs, clean madly, whatever you have to do to let it all out. When you feel calm and kind of empty or numb, you know you've got out as much as you can for now. It'll happen again but each time, it'll get easier and shorter.

I agree with Misred. Starting a new relationship before you've healed from the first isn't a good idea. That fellow is being very considerate of you.

my heart goes out to you because it's hard to do this. My prayers as well.

love and hugs
kamary

Thank you Misred and Kamary for your kind words and thoughtful advice. I am still going up and down on the roller coaster of emotions but I knew it had to happen. It is just hard to endure. I am turning 50 this year and at this point, I have achieved so many things that I wanted and even the ones I didn't even know I wanted. When this other person came into my life, my divorce was already underway. He was just a nice piece of the puzzle of my life. He was the "gravy". He once told me that I seemed to be the most "all together" woman he has ever met. I like to think that my life has evolved to that point but this event of the divorce and him backing away makes me feel helpless. (I hate feeling that way). I do have a lot of projects of needlepoint and also crochet that I have put off for many years that I will start to take up again. I like to read and have many books yet to go through. I want to let you both know that 5 years ago, my life started changing. It just started to happen. I gave up smoking 18 years ago. Five years ago, I gave up meat and alcohol. It was a choice and not a need and oddly quite accidental. I became more versed in homeopathy, reflexology and iridology ( study of the face for health issues). When my younger sister became an EMT, I told her that someday she was going to save my life. She told me not to talk like that. Then explained to her that with my high blood pressure and morbid obesity problem, had I a problem when being in her company, she would know what to do to save my life. I want to say that she actually did save my life but in a completely different way. We always talk about losing weight and she had an EMT instructor that was friends with a doctor of a medically monitored weight loss clinic. I checked it out and became a member. Since last April I have gone from 286 pounds down to 166 pounds. I have lost 120 pounds so far with just 16 more to go. I am very active with exercise and now I run about 3 miles on my lunch break each day at the gym of the college of my employ. At this time, I seem to get into a zone and really get a good run going when my emotions are at their worst. It does feel good and I am able to work it out in that moment. I am looking and hoping to write a book about my journey to good health and longevity in hopes it can inspire others to get healthy as well. I figured it would be a good distraction to take my focus off the emotions of my fear and of my divorce. I started this diet after the divorce was under way. It is not the cause or want for me to leave the STBX. So, thank you for letting me share my story. Thank you for being here for me as I know I face more difficult times ahead. Your kind words really help and I will be coming back to them when I am needing more encouragement. Deener ( by the way, Deenie is my nickname given by family. I am also Deenie the clown and aunt Deenie) (the business that I created and ran for 12 years was Deenie's Delivery)

Wow. What a lot of changes you've made and all for the better. Good on you, Deenie. The weight loss is a huge achievement and to jog in your lunch hour at 50?? My hat is off to you!!

I had a friend who used to cry when she ran. I think the exercise releases and it's a good thing. I tend to do my crying while I'm drving long distance in the country on quiet roads. The tears just flow out and I can still see and drive. I did have to stop a few times in the middle of my divorce process, though, and out in the country there was always a tree or a creek to sit beside. One time, blue wrens came and sat on my side-mirror and all over my car and the fence beside me. What a healing!

You have much to be thankful for, not the least your little sister, and you have much to be proud of. I think your book would be a very interesting read. I love to hear the process stories of people's lives.

love and hugs
kamary

thank you Kamary. You brought to my attention something that I did not even realize. I am 50 and running 3 miles on my lunch break every work day!!!! WOW!!!! I am so proud and happy of myself. Thank you for that gift of realization. I cry in the car as well I did it for many years when alone but that was before the divorce was ever brought to light. I don't think I will be doing as much crying when I am on the other side (at least I hope not). That was a beautiful sign for those wrens to come to you that time. It is almost like a sign or a blessing. I am thankful for most things and I will try to draw on those in my darkest moments. I took two days off this week so today I drove west to Buffalo to the galleria mall as a distraction and a change of scenery. Round trip I put on 147 miles on the car. I did do a two mile walk in the mall as well. I bought small sized tops that are usually for the younger thinner crowd. Then I found a place there that was selling dresses for 20 bucks each. I got short skirted dresses. One is a white sundress with long lacy sleeves with a pretty floral print. Another one was a white dress that is all eyelets. The third short skirted dress is a form fitting black sequen dress that sparkes in the light. I felt so good about myself wearing those. I can't wait to wear them in public.

I feel a lot better this afternoon compared to earlier and at the mall. I know that I have to start making memories of me alone time. I read that here from someone's post. I called up my work's EAP program to see about going to a counselor while I get through this awkward and stressful time.

I don't know what the day will bring me tomorrow as far as emotions go but I am ready to get through the days and get my life out of limbo. I still miss my friend Doug but it is not overpowering my thoughts. I am giving myself a total of two weeks before I even send him a message on face book. That way I can still sort out my emotions and not seem so needy or clingy. He can also start to build his new working career without me being a distraction for him.. I am marking off the days on the calendar with big Xs. One week behind me and one more to go. I pray a lot and I know that the people that I have reached out to have been praying for me. I can feel it. There is truly power in prayer. I am blessed for that and for the people in my life. I hope you r day and weekend goes well for you. Deenie

Welcome - you have found a good place here! (((Hugs)))

thank you KRKing911. This place is my life support right now. I just got another blow from someone that I thought was a true friend and potential mate in the future. I have been discarded now like a piece of garbage that heln no significance. I am totally devastated now. Only thing I can do is take one day at a time. I have to get through those "5 stages of grief" and only hope that this hurt in my heart and soul becomes less painful. I opened my heart and vulnerabilities to another man before my divorce was completely and legally final. He was the one that initiated the intensity of the relationship. I allowed my guard down to feel all the love he professed and now because of his chronic illness and mood swings, anything I say to him is considered "drama" where as in another person's reality is just a disagreement without any aggression. So he has thrown me away and everything that we had for just that short time of three months. He apparently did not love me strongly enough to work through what ever it was that turned night to day meaning that where he was so enamoured he is now associating me with stress and can't work past his own weaknesses. I m still trying to process all this and it will take some time. I am devastated and hurt so bad. I will no have any issue emotionally when I leave my husband leagally and for good. We have an amicable parting and will have a form of good interaction on the other side. I hurt more from this other person that wanted a future with me and said he had all the time in the world and could deal with what ever I gave him. I guess I need someone that is more emotionally stable. I just wish I did not love him so much or let myself get caught up in his love for me. I m just confused and each day throws a curve ball. I hate what i am dealing with right now in my life at this moment. I thought i was over all this at my age of turning 50. I will not be allowing myself to receive love from another man for a long time now. I opened myself up and allowed my vulnerability and allowed to receive love for the first time after struggling for many years in a love less marriage and look where it got me. Nothing but pain hurt and sorrow. A ot of confusion going on right now. I wish I could handle this better and just turn my emotions and feelings off the way this man has done to me.

More rough times tonight. I have been disregarded by someone I trusted and loved and he has now thrown it all out as if I were a piece of garbage. He wants to just stay friends. He had a harshness in his ords over the computer. He was so enamored with me and now he has no feeling. I don't feel of any value. My feelings and my convictions have been thrown away. I feel so helpless and alone. I am done. My life is in God's hands. I hope and pray that God shows mercy on me and leads me to safer days.

So sorry for you -- you're going through a lot of difficult transitions and emotions all at the same time. In my experience, it really does help to focus on one day at a time, because when all you have to do is to get through one day.... you can do it, and the fear of the future fades away. At the worst of times, I promised myself I would just get through the next hour, never mind the whole day. It sounds silly, I know, but it works -- no thoughts of the future or the past, just the here and now, this minute, this hour, this day. Breathe deeply and know that you're not alone, there are many of us out here who can relate to your pain. Sending you hugs and blessings for a good week.

thank you sarahleah2. I hurt very much and I am confused from this other person. He built me up and I put my trust and love into what we had and he chose to just end it. The whole ordeal has been of his control and his want. I had to let him do what he needed to do as he struggles with CFIDS and any stress could do him in and get him fatigued. So I have held back and never tried to confront any issue even though it is a healthy relationship that communicates and resolves things together instead of one person turning and running away from confrontation. I thought his heart was kinder and I thought the love we had between us and all that we had avowed was worth more to him that just giving up at the slightest misunderstanding