I am a big fan of Vikki Stark; have read both of her books and was fortunate enough to do a week-long retreat with her in Sedona, AZ in 2012.

Runaway Husbands should be required reading for anyone who is going through what I call "sudden divorce." The book isn't fluff -- it is based on Vikki's interviews with hundreds of women across the U.S. and Canada.

Except that she states that 90% of runaway husbands have other women - that's why they leave. I am in the 10% because I know he has no one else. He just left because he does not love me anymore (and hasn't for a long time as he told my sister) and felt I took away his self-dignity and self-esteem all those years by my complaining and nagging. He is sooooooooooo angry with me and I find that hard to believe because he seemed moody but I thought it was work-related. He talked about our future and contracted on a new house with me but then cancelled everything and said it was over. I did do the nagging and complaining because I was so frustrated that he would not meet my needs for affection and a close emotional relationship. I never felt completely secure with him as far as his feelings for me and so I drove him crazy trying to get him to reassure me which he did sometimes but it very rarely seemed sincere. I am so guilty still and wish I was in the 90% so I would not have to blame myself anymore. I would much rather feel like most of you do - that your husbands were wrong to cheat, etc.

Whether or not, your ex left for another woman is beside the point. You can bet, 10% of poison is just as toxic. Wanting your spouse to reciprocate affection is everyone's expectation. Welcome to the crazy world of internalizing your ex's BS. He wasn't going to allow himself to be emotionally connected despite pleads.

Seems to me, you've described the same feelings like the most of us. In your case, you're to BLAME for causing his self-dignity and self-esteem to be taken away [really?] If that isn't blame assignment, somebody kick me. I suppose his search is for SOMETHING OR SOMEONE that will give him self-esteem. Let's hope it isn't someone but something. So the question is: Doesn't he know, self-esteem doesn't come in pill or liquid form?

I think that should be called Runaway Spouses. That is exactly how my ex wife did, She never drank and suddenly she drinks all the time, The people she used to hate are now her best friends, she would hate it when I drank and now she drives the OM around will he's drunk. She totally did a flip flop.

Thanks for the link Kim. Sounds just like my stbx.

Carol

I love Vicki and I saw that article too. It was very good! Awesome :) Great share.

Great article! Thanks for sharing. Yes, my ex changed into someone I don't recognize anymore. He now embraces things and behaves in ways that I find totally baffling.

Thanks for the link, Kim. My ex fits here as well. I can remember one conversation we had in the dead of the night when he admitted how he really felt deep down inside. He'd been to a work conference and ran into an old acquaintance from his childhood who knew who he had been as a child. It reminded him how shy and fearful he'd been as a child and briefly I saw that inside person. By morning, that real person was gone and I didn't get to see him again. If anything, his chance meeting had spurred him on to being even more in denial of his real feelings.

Hi Ttime4kim,
I will look that up later . sounds interesting .
The million dollars question........
Recently I had to text my x about something and in here reply
she swore . Not bad .... she just said sometimes life's a bitch.
I had to laugh .... she never talked like that
and I questioned her about that ....she never answered .
Ya..................... people change ..that's for sure ......
That old sweet nice wife of mine that I use to know........... long gone .
This woman .............. is someone else .......... I wonder where that old person went to .... HA -HA .
Take care .......
PS .. I'm glad that I'm the same old person that was/am.

Tobywinn,
Once again you make total sense. I felt much better after reading your post. Then I went to a therapy appt. and she said exactly what you did. He probably won't ever think he was wrong because then he would have to admit that he played a 50% part in the breakup of our marriage. I am learning that a lot of this comes from our childhood experiences. I know that my mother was emotionally unavailable to me and that is why I needed so much reassurance from my husband (I am working hard to change that now for all of my other relationships that I have like with my children). He had the same situation and his parents were extremely critical and disappointed in him because he didn't become a doctor and that has haunted him since I met him. He still has dreams where they are awful to him on a regular basis. So..... instead of realizing that and blaming them, he has chosen me to blame assign as you called it. Actually I am having fun learning all these things at this stage of my life. I am on top of the roller coaster today and waiting for the crash which is inevitable I guess. I hope everyone has a peaceful Christmas. This forum is absolutely the best!!! Donna

Great article, just like my ex.thanks for posting